Venting My problems are undefinable. Who feels the same?

[cait_sith]

There is nothing I can point to, no specific trauma or event that made me the way I am now. How am I supposed to even start solving my problems if I can't put into words what is wrong with me. If I try I never do the feelings justice as it sound like something else I am experiencing. Back when I was still in therapy I was only able to even verbalize what I am feeling, after the sessions I would just be frustrated as I spend a full hour basically saying nothing, the therapists would just take fragments of what I said and fitted them to the accompanying depression-diagnosis. In the end therapy would never lead anywhere because I can't communicate how I am feeling.

I will try now : i feel like there is a cloak around everything, that I never feel fully there as I am existing, my thinking is jwrong in the sense that that I am scatterbrained all over the place, that I associate certain events feelings with places that I frequently has to pass by to go from a to b, my mind is constancy going in loops with past events of minor embarrassment suddenly reeling in that I have to do a small sound like scream to get out of the loop, i am always thinking in loops and associations, a minor thing from a movie can remind of something that makes me loop, i am ashamed to say that I am very sensitive and cry a lot because of minor inconveniences that make me loop despite being an almost mid-30s. i am aware of how inadequate my abnormal thinking and thought patterns make me which makes hate myself. This way of thinking also make me excessive maladaptive daydreamer where I pace around hours a day lost in scenarios and thought that get triggered by music and thoughts. I have read that maladaptive daydreaming can come from trauma but as I said I have nothing to point to. My mother died when I was 11 but I thought this way since I began thinking. I was born wrong, there is a genetic component as o have an aunt, the only relative left alive that lives in a disabled and loudly says her thought loops out loud, I can see myself in her, and she didn't get any other diagnosis than autism wich indent think fit me as end all be all. I have written a lot now but was ultimately unable to verbalise what I feel. I feel like psychologist just look for building blocks of the things I say they can fit into diagnoses and are not interested in really anslizing what is wrong with me. I will stop now as I could go on forever, it's just fragment of what I feel.

Does anybody feel like they will be never able to express what is wrong with them. That there is no point to talk to anyone about anything as your problems are "just" depression or what ever but an indefinable malfunction of thinking and thoughts that make you otherworldly and inadequate and unlovable.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I can completely understand your frustration. I think you did a good job of verbalising your frustration with how your mind works here. I think my mind does do this but, maybe to a lesser degree and, maybe not so much of a debilitating degree.

I assume it is largely debilitating? Does it interrupt moments when you need to concentrate on things? Do you have to work or study and, does it impact that?

I can definitely relate to maladative daydreaming. I've been through several bouts of what I now recognise to be limerence. Which contained an awful lot of maladaptive daydreaming. With that, it was tricky because the fantasy life was nice. Much nicer than this one! So, it was hard to let go of. A bit like a coping mechanism in a way. Still, I could recognize that the longer- term effects were terrible so, I consciously forced myself to stop.

I suppose that's an issue in itself. Are these patterns of thinking so distructive to you as a whole that you're willing to try to banish the more pleasant side of maladaptive daydreaming? If it is pleasant that is? I have a feeling any form of thinking like this only reinforces it.

As to where it came from. I suppose it's a bit like my (suspected) limerence. My childhood was extremely rocky in places but, overall I felt loved. I believe limerence commonly develops from a lack of love. Sometimes it's hard to pinpoint these things I think.

As you suggested though, maybe it is a genetic trait for you. Either way though- it's obviously causing you distress. So- that ought to be enough I think for a therapist to do their job and help you with it!

I'm not that knowledgable really on it if I'm honest. Still, I wonder if some sort of behavioural therapy would be more beneficial. Rather than tieing yourself up in knots trying to work out where it originated/ was triggered, wouldn't it be better to learn methods of managing your more unhelpful thought processes? Surely therapists must know techniques to snap us out of certain ways of thinking.

It does kind of sound compulsive/ addictive so- I wonder if a therapist who focussed on that would be more helpful. I hope things improve for you.

 

[radiohead]

i feel the same. after years with the same therapist she understands how that works and most of what we communicate is indirect. promise i'm not being gaslit into thinking it helps like my parents keep asking me :P i feel like the 'brain fog' kinda stuff has gotten worse, most of the words i say feel like estimations of how i think i should be feeling. it's not that i don't, it's sort of like looking through clouded glass, a sort of brain dyslexia, or uuuuuuhhhhhhm :D idk, i'm looping songs in my head trying to type this. partly why my post count is so low.

i'm hesitant to say depersonalisaion or derealization but i definitely experience both of those things to varying degrees. no trauma i can directly point to but there are absolutely things that an outside perspective would. so, idk. people dying when i was young, minor physical abuse, school bullying... retrospectively i can say that i "picked up" dissociation to get through those years and i haven't ever rebuilt a solid sense of my own identity. feels a bit too late now. idk. i want an ice bath in my brain. or someone to Pummel me to snap me out of it?

tried typing this out three times now, speaks to the issue i guess. just want to say Yeah Same. and i hope you find a way for things to get better for you aaaaaa

 

[platypus77]

This is how I would explain my "ADHD" to other people.

To be honest I feel ADHD is just a name my psychiatrist gave to my issues.

My feeling is that psychiatrists and therapists don't really know shit, and they're stuck with antiquated tools and obsolete knowledge.

Think about it, what tools do they have for diagnosis other than a few forms and your word for it (which can be interpreted differently depending on who you're telling to)?

Doesn't even feel like real science.

I swear if go to a new psychiatrist and explain it all over again I can get at least a new name to add to or replace it.

But I feel you, even though I have name for it.
It's hard to explain and not every body gets it, for some people it's not even a real condition.

 

[Mirrory Me]

I will try now : i feel like there is a cloak around everything, that I never feel fully there as I am existing, my thinking is jwrong in the sense that that I am scatterbrained all over the place, that I associate certain events feelings with places that I frequently has to pass by to go from a to b, my mind is constancy going in loops with past events of minor embarrassment suddenly reeling in that I have to do a small sound like scream to get out of the loop, i am always thinking in loops and associations, a minor thing from a movie can remind of something that makes me loop, i am ashamed to say that I am very sensitive and cry a lot because of minor inconveniences that make me loop despite being an almost mid-30s. i am aware of how inadequate my abnormal thinking and thought patterns make me which makes hate myself. This way of thinking also make me excessive maladaptive daydreamer where I pace around hours a day lost in scenarios and thought that get triggered by music and thoughts.

Usually when that happens for me, I have to put that stuck energy somewhere- pick up drum sticks or just start jamming with fingers, etc...

 

[cait_sith]

I can completely understand your frustration. I think you did a good job of verbalising your frustration with how your mind works here. I think my mind does do this but, maybe to a lesser degree and, maybe not so much of a debilitating degree.

I assume it is largely debilitating? Does it interrupt moments when you need to concentrate on things? Do you have to work or study and, does it impact that?

I can definitely relate to maladative daydreaming. I've been through several bouts of what I now recognise to be limerence. Which contained an awful lot of maladaptive daydreaming. With that, it was tricky because the fantasy life was nice. Much nicer than this one! So, it was hard to let go of. A bit like a coping mechanism in a way. Still, I could recognize that the longer- term effects were terrible so, I consciously forced myself to stop.

I suppose that's an issue in itself. Are these patterns of thinking so distructive to you as a whole that you're willing to try to banish the more pleasant side of maladaptive daydreaming? If it is pleasant that is? I have a feeling any form of thinking like this only reinforces it.

As to where it came from. I suppose it's a bit like my (suspected) limerence. My childhood was extremely rocky in places but, overall I felt loved. I believe limerence commonly develops from a lack of love. Sometimes it's hard to pinpoint these things I think.

As you suggested though, maybe it is a genetic trait for you. Either way though- it's obviously causing you distress. So- that ought to be enough I think for a therapist to do their job and help you with it!

I'm not that knowledgable really on it if I'm honest. Still, I wonder if some sort of behavioural therapy would be more beneficial. Rather than tieing yourself up in knots trying to work out where it originated/ was triggered, wouldn't it be better to learn methods of managing your more unhelpful thought processes? Surely therapists must know techniques to snap us out of certain ways of thinking.

It does kind of sound compulsive/ addictive so- I wonder if a therapist who focussed on that would be more helpful. I hope things improve for you.

Thank you for your long answer. Yes I think the way I think has been very debilitating for every aspect of my life. I have incredible difficulties making descions as I loop about making mistakes, making exaggerated scenarios in my head what happens when I do something wrong so I basically do nothing and am extreme procrastinating for small things, living of savings. The thing is if I make a wrong descion it actually feels as bad as I imagined it when my thoughts start looping on it so my constant inactivity and inability to do anything is actually a result of experience, I am not able to comprehend failure as a inevitable aspect of life as failings from decades still loop out of nowhere, i know rediculous but my mind still does it. I think the maladaptive daydreaming are a way to push away the thought loops which in turn eat my time and keeping stuck. I feel these thoughts have been engrained so much in my way of thinking that no amount of behavioural therapy can fix, I did spend a fair amount of time in mental institutions and with therapists after a ctb attempt, of course I haven't tried everything as this is impossible but i see no way to fix these thoughtss because they are basically the only thing in my head, what would they be replaced with if I got rid of them? I also feel like I am too old to relearn thinking, this is all I know. But please don't think I am not thankful for your advice, but I hope it's a response you expect from this type of forum. I see the only way to escape my thought loops is to die. Getting a therapist is also really hard with waiting lists of a year. I wish I could feel the hope for therapy. Ita hard to say if Limerance plays a part in my case, I also felt loved as a kid, until my mother died when I was 11 who was the more loving part, I could maybe pinpoint something there, the thing is I had maladaptive daydreams before her death but they were just about making cartoons in my head, they got replaced by torturous things when I got into mid- to late-teenage years. But the wrong thought structure in itself was always there, I think it got messed up when it was time for me to become an adult and now I have stuck in the loops for almost 20 years, its horrible and shameful.

i feel the same. after years with the same therapist she understands how that works and most of what we communicate is indirect. promise i'm not being gaslit into thinking it helps like my parents keep asking me :P i feel like the 'brain fog' kinda stuff has gotten worse, most of the words i say feel like estimations of how i think i should be feeling. it's not that i don't, it's sort of like looking through clouded glass, a sort of brain dyslexia, or uuuuuuhhhhhhm :D idk, i'm looping songs in my head trying to type this. partly why my post count is so low.

i'm hesitant to say depersonalisaion or derealization but i definitely experience both of those things to varying degrees. no trauma i can directly point to but there are absolutely things that an outside perspective would. so, idk. people dying when i was young, minor physical abuse, school bullying... retrospectively i can say that i "picked up" dissociation to get through those years and i haven't ever rebuilt a solid sense of my own identity. feels a bit too late now. idk. i want an ice bath in my brain. or someone to Pummel me to snap me out of it?

tried typing this out three times now, speaks to the issue i guess. just want to say Yeah Same. and i hope you find a way for things to get better for you aaaaaa

the trauma thing is difficult, as something not feeling traumatic could be a trauma in disguise, I had things happened to me similar to you that could be classified as trauma, early death or a parent, light bullying (never was the main victim), also minor beating by father, but there always something wrong with my thinking before these things happened, maybe they worsened it, who knows, all I can say is I don't have a main trauma that makes being stuck like this for decades explainable, but maybe these things where enough. My post count is also low in relation to all the threads I click and the answers I start typing and end up not posting lol. I also type out things and they end up saying things I actually didn't want them to say. I also don't feel like I have a solid sense of self or identity or whatever, I can't see myself in relation to other people, I also suffer from horrible brain fog, can't believe I didn't write that. I'm sorry you can relate to my post and I also wish you the best, thank you for answer.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Thank you for the answers, I will answer one at a time and not all at once.

Thank you for your long answer. Yes I think the way I think has been very debilitating for every aspect of my life. I have incredible difficulties making descions as I loop about making mistakes, making exaggerated scenarios in my head what happens when I do something wrong so I basically do nothing and am extreme procrastinating for small things, living of savings. The thing is if I make a wrong descion it actually feels as bad as I imagined it when my thoughts start looping on it so my constant inactivity and inability to do anything is actually a result of experience, I am not able to comprehend failure as a inevitable aspect of life as failings from decades still loop out of nowhere, i know rediculous but my mind still does it. I think the maladaptive daydreaming are a way to push away the thought loops which in turn eat my time and keeping stuck. I feel these thoughts have been engrained so much in my way of thinking that no amount of behavioural therapy can fix, I did spend a fair amount of time in mental institutions and with therapists after a ctb attempt, of course I haven't tried everything as this is impossible but i see no way to fix these thoughtss because they are basically the only thing in my head, what would they be replaced with if I got rid of them? I also feel like I am too old to relearn thinking, this is all I know. But please don't think I am not thankful for your advice, but I hope it's a response you expect from this type of forum. I see the only way to escape my thought loops is to die. Getting a therapist is also really hard with waiting lists of a year. I wish I could feel the hope for therapy. Ita hard to say if Limerance plays a part in my case, I also felt loved as a kid, until my mother died when I was 11 who was the more loving part, I could maybe pinpoint something there, the thing is I had maladaptive daydreams before her death but they were just about making cartoons in my head, they got replaced by torturous things when I got into mid- to late-teenage years. But the wrong thought structure in itself was always there, I think it got messed up when it was time for me to become an adult and now I have stuck in the loops for almost 20 years, its horrible and shameful.

I think you articulate your thought process very well. I'm so sorry that therapists haven't been able to help.

I also beat myself up over past mistakes. I'm especially bad when it comes to my (creative) work. I have a very precise memory for remembering criticism and failure! And- similar to you- it regularly 'loops' back in to upset me. I imagine that having that constantly must be a nightmare.

All I can do is suggest a couple more 'tricks' I use on myself but, I totally understand if you don't think they will work on you...

Firstly- I have to do this thing (whatever it is.) Followed by the bombardment of self doubt/ criticism: 'Remember when you screwed it up before? You're not very good at this- it's a weakness for you. You remember what that person said to you the last time you tried? You're going to fail and let everyone down.'

But then- I consider what will happen if I don't try at all. Will that make things any better? So- you already recognise that it's not helping you to do nothing. You're feeling a failure over that as well. Will there come a time when the time spent procrastinating will feel more of a failure than the times you tried and failed? Not trying to be cruel but, it's what I use to frighten myself into action!

I suppose I knew I would procrastinate given the actual choice. So- I forced myself into situations- a degree course or employment where I was contractually obliged to produce stuff. When there's the prospect of failing outright because I didn't do anything, it forced me to just do it. Even if sometimes, I failed.

As for what thoughts fill your head instead of the negative loops. It's naive to think they'll either disappear or, that you won't make a mistake again. So- if you do manage to make yourself attempt something and, you do make a mistake- then you have to concentrate on how to fix it. Do you need to start again? Not great but- better than not doing anything all day again. Do you need more practice at a certain thing? Once you have real problems to solve, you can try to concentrate on practically solving them.

Plus, I guess you need to be realistic about it. Mistakes are important in life. They are how we learn. Even if we end up making the same mistake a few times. Hopefully in the end, they teach us. So- they're not actually something to be ashamed of. Making mistakes actually means we're pushing ourselves.

I do get it though, that it's hard to shake off the shame. The worst is- I think we're taught from an early age to fear making mistakes. I don't think that's healthy at all.

Maybe it would help to start admiring the work of people who try and fail multiple times! It took Edison 1000 attempts before he invented the light bulb. Imagine having that much self belief!

Maybe unrealistic that many of us will reach that level of genius but, imagine your life if you didn't have this holding you back. Maybe that would be enough to fight it. Tell your negative thoughts to f*ck off and leave you alone! Guessing you've read the obvious self help book: 'Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway' ? I think one thing that would maybe apply to you is the idea that you need to act- even if it goes wrong. Tell yourself it's just a test at the moment. Doesn't matter if it isn't perfect. I guess, just coax or fool yourself into trying.

Sorry for another lengthy reply. I kind of doubt I've helped at all and I can completely relate to the feeling that this is all too ingrained to fight. So, I'm not expecting any response back if it all seems too much. Honestly, there are hurdles in my life that seem to high to clear. I wish you the best though. I'm sorry you have all this working against you.

 

[SomethingOriginal]

There is nothing I can point to, no specific trauma or event that made me the way I am now. How am I supposed to even start solving my problems if I can't put into words what is wrong with me. If I try I never do the feelings justice as it sound like something else I am experiencing. Back when I was still in therapy I was only able to even verbalize what I am feeling, after the sessions I would just be frustrated as I spend a full hour basically saying nothing, the therapists would just take fragments of what I said and fitted them to the accompanying depression-diagnosis. In the end therapy would never lead anywhere because I can't communicate how I am feeling.

I will try now : i feel like there is a cloak around everything, that I never feel fully there as I am existing, my thinking is jwrong in the sense that that I am scatterbrained all over the place, that I associate certain events feelings with places that I frequently has to pass by to go from a to b, my mind is constancy going in loops with past events of minor embarrassment suddenly reeling in that I have to do a small sound like scream to get out of the loop, i am always thinking in loops and associations, a minor thing from a movie can remind of something that makes me loop, i am ashamed to say that I am very sensitive and cry a lot because of minor inconveniences that make me loop despite being an almost mid-30s. i am aware of how inadequate my abnormal thinking and thought patterns make me which makes hate myself. This way of thinking also make me excessive maladaptive daydreamer where I pace around hours a day lost in scenarios and thought that get triggered by music and thoughts. I have read that maladaptive daydreaming can come from trauma but as I said I have nothing to point to. My mother died when I was 11 but I thought this way since I began thinking. I was born wrong, there is a genetic component as o have an aunt, the only relative left alive that lives in a disabled and loudly says her thought loops out loud, I can see myself in her, and she didn't get any other diagnosis than autism wich indent think fit me as end all be all. I have written a lot now but was ultimately unable to verbalise what I feel. I feel like psychologist just look for building blocks of the things I say they can fit into diagnoses and are not interested in really anslizing what is wrong with me. I will stop now as I could go on forever, it's just fragment of what I feel.

Does anybody feel like they will be never able to express what is wrong with them. That there is no point to talk to anyone about anything as your problems are "just" depression or what ever but an indefinable malfunction of thinking and thoughts that make you otherworldly and inadequate and unlovable.

Maybe your aunt had autism and ADHD. They used to think you could only have one, but it is only very recently that they have discovered that you can have both. It might be worth a diagnosis, because there are medications that can quiet the mind if it is ADHD. I'm not a medical expert, but I have AuDHD (autism and ADHD). I have the inattentive subtype of ADHD which is often not diagnosed because you are a daydreamer and not hyperactive. I was late diagnosed

Edit: Just a side note, depression, OCD, anxiety etc are also very common in neurodivergent people. What you are describing sounds a little bit like rumination, an aspect of OCD, but take what I say with a pinch of salt, I am not an expert. I think I read traumatic events can cause PTSD which is supposedly similar in some ways ( I could be wrong with this, so as I say, a heavy pinch of salt). A diagnosis might help you with medications, support etc if it is autism and/or ADHD.