My problems are not solvable

[noname223]

I am very desperate. I am really quite manic. I am taking so much medication against mania but it is not working. My psychiatrist has no solution. We have this temporary solution to take sometimes Z-medcation and benzos on a low dosage. But I need to take it more and more often.

I am making me a fool everywhere ago. Because I am neurotic idiot who has the obsession to present himself as very smart. The lecturers can see through that and find my behavior quite ridiculous. My only response is I am really severely mentally ill. I am ashamed that I have to use this as an excuse but my behavior is really quite pathological. I don't want to think about the girl who I thought had a crush on me. Damn this is so cringe it is so awkward when she is around me.

I am studying way less than the average student. But despite that fact it is way too much for me. I am so extremely vulnerable concerning performance pressure. I fantasize everyday how I could kill myself. I can't make it through the day without thinking about this escape of my living hell.

I have so many responsiblities. (compared to an average person it is nothing) I can't go on like that. The only solutions are: becoming manic again or becoming a medication addict, quitting college, killing myself. I have tried myriads of times how I could get a stable income. I am too vulnerable to work.

I think almost noone would spend that much of his energy in these desperate recovery attempts. It is so obvious that it won't work. It is so ridiculous my therapist was very optimistic about my future. Lmao. I did not burst his bubble. But it was obvious that it won't work.

I just think about all the possible scenarios which could save me. And the hope is so fucking tiny.

My problems are almost impossible to solve. Like a winning in the lottery could solve some of my problems. But damn the hope winning in a lottery won't let me endure another major depressive episode.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are in this situation, it sounds unbearable what you are going through. It really can be so awful and devastating when everything is hopeless. I hope you find relief from your suffering in whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best.

 

[whatevs]

Everyone in the forum can tell that you are actually smart, so that's false, the idea that you're actually an idiot. Sadly, I can also tell your mental problems are really overwhelming, it transpires from your writings as well. And stupid normies will easily outperform someone that is suicidal due to anxiety and compulsions/intrusive thoughts. Not because they're better than you but because their lives are orders of magnitude simpler and easier.

Also, most problems are solvable, the question is, do we want to embark on a long and painful journey to look for solutions, when there's no guarantee of improvement? For me it comes down to being afraid of death, so I stick around and do the best I can.

 

[Hotsackage]

Ya i got severe ocd. Life is ruined. Cant socialise or concentate worth my ass. On disability benefits. So i feel ya

 

[Dizzylady80]

I am studying way less than the average student. But despite that fact it is way too much for me. I am so extremely vulnerable concerning performance pressure. I fantasize everyday how I could kill myself. I can't make it through the day without thinking about this escape of my living hell.

I have so many responsiblities. (compared to an average person it is nothing) I can't go on like that. The only solutions are: becoming manic again or becoming a medication addict, quitting college, killing myself. I have tried myriads of times how I could get a stable income. I am too vulnerable to work.

I relate to this part of what you said a lot, knowing you have less responsibilities than an average person and still struggling is a very painfully humbling feeling. Having tried as hard as you have to find and explore solutions sounds like was very hard, you are a very strong person. I'm sorry you're going through this ❤

 

[noname223]

Everyone in the forum can tell that you are actually smart, so that's false, the idea that you're actually an idiot. Sadly, I can also tell your mental problems are really overwhelming, it transpires from your writings as well. And stupid normies will easily outperform someone that is suicidal due to anxiety and compulsions/intrusive thoughts. Not because they're better than you but because their lives are orders of magnitude simpler and easier.

Also, most problems are solvable, the question is, do we want to embark on a long and painful journey to look for solutions, when there's no guarantee of improvement? For me it comes down to being afraid of death, so I stick around and do the best I can.

Another very comforting reply of you @whatevs Thanks! Especially the first part.

Also thanks to @FuneralCry and the rest.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Sounds like you are in a really rough phase. I'm so sorry. You mentioned you feel ashamed to use mental illness as an excuse for struggling with your studies but you shouldn't feel ashamed or embarrassed about it- we don't choose the brains we are given. It's not your fault.

Do your tutors know may I ask? I know it's not the same but when I was studying, many of my classmates had dyslexia and they were given extra support. Is anything available where you are? No shame in reaching out to people there and saying you need a bit of extra support. Better than letting the pressure build up and up. I wish you all the best.

 

[noname223]

Sounds like you are in a really rough phase. I'm so sorry. You mentioned you feel ashamed to use mental illness as an excuse for struggling with your studies but you shouldn't feel ashamed or embarrassed about it- we don't choose the brains we are given. It's not your fault.

Do your tutors know may I ask? I know it's not the same but when I was studying, many of my classmates had dyslexia and they were given extra support. Is anything available where you are? No shame in reaching out to people there and saying you need a bit of extra support. Better than letting the pressure build up and up. I wish you all the best.

Tomorrow I gonna talk to a lecturer. I am very desperate but I don't want to show him openly how I feel. I probably ask him to quit the course. I cannot do this anymore. He is not my therapist. He is not the person with whom I should cry about my desperation. This is still mainly this forum and some friends. Even with my therapist I am not fully open anymore. He called me too negative despite the fact that he is delusional because he thinks my life would have an happy end.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's clear that you are feeling in a desperate and frightening place. It's hard to advise because I don't want things to be any worse for you but I wonder if you should be as honest as you can be- with your tutor and even more so- with your therapist. From what you've just said, it seems like your therapist in particular has a false sense of where you are at. I don't see how it's going to help you if he just thinks everything will work out OK. Think you do need to be open with him so he takes you seriously.

Not sure if you are trying to shield people from the worst of it because you feel embarrassed? Or maybe that it's just exhausting to keep going through the motions? Sounds like you have been trying different things to help for a while? Or that they might take more drastic action to protect you if they know the extent of it?

I'm afraid I don't know much about their procedures, so I can understand your hesitation and despair. I did see a uni counsellor once but the main thing they seem to want to do is to keep you on the course... They want their tuition fees coming in.

Do you REALLY want to leave the course or is it just that you are finding it overwhelming right now? I'm glad you are speaking to your tutor tomorrow. I think they do need to know the situation- people won't offer and simply can't provide support if they don't realise you're struggling in the first place. Good luck.

 

[noname223]

It's clear that you are feeling in a desperate and frightening place. It's hard to advise because I don't want things to be any worse for you but I wonder if you should be as honest as you can be- with your tutor and even more so- with your therapist. From what you've just said, it seems like your therapist in particular has a false sense of where you are at. I don't see how it's going to help you if he just thinks everything will work out OK. Think you do need to be open with him so he takes you seriously.

Not sure if you are trying to shield people from the worst of it because you feel embarrassed? Or maybe that it's just exhausting to keep going through the motions? Sounds like you have been trying different things to help for a while? Or that they might take more drastic action to protect you if they know the extent of it?

I'm afraid I don't know much about their procedures, so I can understand your hesitation and despair. I did see a uni counsellor once but the main thing they seem to want to do is to keep you on the course... They want their tuition fees coming in.

Do you REALLY want to leave the course or is it just that you are finding it overwhelming right now? I'm glad you are speaking to your tutor tomorrow. I think they do need to know the situation- people won't offer and simply can't provide support if they don't realise you're struggling in the first place. Good luck.

I don't want to leave the course. If I could (mentally) I would do all courses like the other students. But life does not grant you wishes. I had to learn that very early in my life.

The day in college gave me a thrill. There is without a doubt something very attractive to that feeling. But these are simply manic symptoms. If I get a new manic episode I have to kill myself soon. Of course manic symptoms can feel amazing. But the price would be that I soon have to kill myself.

The story with my therapist is complicated. If there was a real benefit by opening up about my negative view on my future I would do it. But I know his thoughts, I know which plans/paths we tried. It would not emerge another path which we had not thought about when I opened up about it to him.

We just had arguments that I was too negative in ther past. He almost considered to stop therapy because of my negative perception of things. We had way less arguments since I shut up about it. I would not recommend it to anyone else. But in my case I don't see any benefit to be fully honest. I was fully honest and that caused problems. At least I have someone with whom I can vent and talk about my horrible life. Though I don't share my deepest suicidal thoughts with him. I told parts of it to him. But only in little dosage and I don't repeat myself on that. Otherwise I would probably not talk about anything else all the time.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I don't want to leave the course. If I could (mentally) I would do all courses like the other students. But life does not grant you wishes. I had to learn that very early in my life.

The day in college gave me a thrill. There is without a doubt something very attractive to that feeling. But these are simply manic symptoms. If I get a new manic episode I have to kill myself soon. Of course manic symptoms can feel amazing. But the price would be that I soon have to kill myself.

The story with my therapist is complicated. If there was a real benefit by opening up about my negative view on my future I would do it. But I know his thoughts, I know which plans/paths we tried. It would not emerge another path which we had not thought about when I opened up about it to him.

We just had arguments that I was too negative in ther past. He almost considered to stop therapy because of my negative perception of things. We had way less arguments since I shut up about it. I would not reecommend it to anyone else. But in my case I don't see any benefit to be fully honest. I wasfully honest and that caused problems. At least I have someone with whom I can vent and talk about my horrible life. Though I don't share my deepest suicidal thoughts with him. I told parts of it to him. But only in little dosage and I don't repeat myself on that. Otherwise I would probably not talk about anything else all the time.

Would think a therapist complaining that a patient is 'too negative' is in the wrong job!... Unless it's part of the 'therapy' to try and make you focus on the positive? Don't know. Just sounds like what regular folk tell us to do... Can you see another therapist?!!

I really hope you can find the support you need. It sounds to me like you're not set on quiting but you definitely need some support. I hope you find it.

 

[noname223]

Would think a therapist complaining that a patient is 'too negative' is in the wrong job!... Unless it's part of the 'therapy' to try and make you focus on the positive? Don't know. Just sounds like what regular folk tell us to do... Can you see another therapist?!!

I really hope you can find the support you need. It sounds to me like you're not set on quiting but you definitely need some support. I hope you find it.

I really appreciate your support and you seem to be a very friendly and loving person. But 2 therapist of mine consider me as a lost case. Both think I gonna kill myself due to poverty. Both know I am struggling extremely with work and that nothing worked. My current therapist is the third one.

I am still trying now 2,5 years after they gave up on me. But it all seems to be pretty hopeless. At least I can say that when I kill myself that I have tried everything I could.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Most problems (barring physical debilitating ones) are solvable. However, it is (should be) up to the individual if the long journey and likelihood (or unlikelihood) of results is outweighs the relief that death brings.

Cannot make that decision for you, unfortunately.

 

[noname223]

Most problems (barring physical debilitating ones) are solvable. However, it is (should be) up to the individual if the long journey and likelihood (or unlikelihood) of results is outweighs the relief that death brings.

Cannot make that decision for you, unfortunately.

I doubt that for me personally. During my last 6 years I had roundabout 6 hospitalizations, had 3 times very long psychotherapies (with 3 different people) 2 gave me up as hopeless case. The third is currently working with me.

I took like 20-30 different medication.

I have more life quality that is true. But bipolar processes in cycles. And the extreme psychosomatic pain after my last 2 manias were unbearable.

There is also the fact that I won't endur poverty. I can't live with that low amount of money.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I really appreciate your support and you seem to be a very friendly and loving person. But 2 therapist of mine consider me as a lost case. Both think I gonna kill myself due to poverty. Both know I am struggling extremely with work and that nothing worked. My current therapist is the third one.

I am still trying now 2,5 years after they gave up on me. But it all seems to be pretty hopeless. At least I can say that when I kill myself that I have tried everything I could.

I'm so sorry. That really sounds so sad. I can see why things feel so difficult. I really hope that the talk with your tutor tomorrow helps a little. It's so sad seeing people struggle so much and not knowing what will help.

 

[rationaltake]

I understand. I have bipolar. Plus other mental conditions.

One thing that helped me with mania was just depriving myself of too much sensory input until I came down a bit. What I mean is laying in the quiet and dark. Avoiding too much contact with people. Though it does take willpower to do this and not be gadding about.

However this may not be relevant to you. We're all different.

I know how hopeless things can be.

 

[Foresight]

You have a lot of life in you which is what makes me haunted by your presence here. I've been thinking about you and really hoping you're safe. The beginning of my studies were a very difficult time but life is so different later. Even with my severe social problems life is much more comfortable beyond college. College is such a tough time for people who tend to ruminate on social situations. I just imagine once you get through these studies and these student social environments life can be so different. You have so much thought, compassion, and will to explore human existence. We can only try to grasp what others are dealing with and I know you're in a very tough position mentally. I don't have solutions, I just wish you comfort. Keep your body well as much as you can with plenty of water, restful sleep if you can and keep communicating with your teachers, therapists and friends. I know all that helps with mania/psychosis and slipping into a scary place.