My poor mother, need some advice please

[MariV]

O am your typical only child who grew up with his mother. We have a very close relationship, discuss everything and are 100% open with each other. We got together into this ctb thing because she has parkinson and wanted to have a way out in case things got very bad.
Thing is she has remained stable but on the other hand ive developed a myriad of hellish health problems. I suffer excruciatingly everyday. Chronoc pain, Crohns, tinnitus, skin cancer...you name it, I have it. She tells me she would rather have me ctb than see me suffering, that its my choice, but her eyes get wet when she says it. I know it will be terrible for her and in some way i wish her parkinson would finally get worse so we could ctb together as we once said we would.

What can i say? What can I do? pls i need some advice with my situation.

 

[Ghost2211]

This is a hard one. If when my kids are adults they want to die due to life being unbearable I would support that, but would break my heart at the same time that I couldn't help them. If she is going to ctb later anyway why not wait and go together so neither of you suffers the loss of the other?

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Your mom sounds great. She understands if your suffering is too much that you need to be free of it, and she's not putting her feelings, needs and wants ahead of your own. Of course she would be sad, but she gets it. She could survive it. To me she's an example of having excellent boundaries and being a great parent, not controlling at all.

 

[grungeCat]

Oh my god, I can't describe how much I feel your pain... your wonderful relationship with your parent reminds me of my mother who used to be also such an amazing person. Please, take care of your mum and support her as much as you can! You must be a very kind and caring person but I ... I just know how it feels to lose the mum. I can't describe how it tears apart the whole life. You can't lose her, it's such a terrible pain to lose someone who is so close to your heart. Sorry if I get too dramatic but it really hits me when someone's beloved parent suffers... I wish all the best to you and your mum! I hope everything will be good

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

It sounds like she wants you to make your own choice and that she'll support you. The pain my mother will feel at my passing is mostly what's keeping me alive. If my mother felt as yours did, I would talk openly with her and perhaps value an opportunity to go together. It would be easier on us both.

If your mother really values life and wants to keep going even after you've gone, then that is her decision. It seems like some more openly honest communication between the two of you would be beneficial to sort things out.

 

[MariV]

Oh my god, I can't describe how much I feel your pain... your wonderful relationship with your parent reminds me of my mother who used to be also such an amazing person. Please, take care of your mum and support her as much as you can! You must be a very kind and caring person but I ... I just know how it feels to lose the mum. I can't describe how it tears apart the whole life. You can't lose her, it's such a terrible pain to lose someone who is so close to your heart. Sorry if I get too dramatic but it really hits me when someone's beloved parent suffers... I wish all the best to you and your mum! I hope everything will be good

I think you got the story wrong. its she who is losing me.

Well she says that if she was becoming paralysed because of her disease she would ctb even if that makes her father sad...and that the same should go for me. she tells me to do it if i suffer so much. but shes going to suffer so much, undoubtedly.

i wish we could ctb together as originally planned :(

im so sorry...shes such a happy and social person.makes me feel so guilty.

 

[MariV]

Any other suggestion? I really dont know how to handle this situation

 

[grungeCat]

I think you got the story wrong. its she who is losing me.

Well she says that if she was becoming paralysed because of her disease she would ctb even if that makes her father sad...and that the same should go for me. she tells me to do it if i suffer so much. but shes going to suffer so much, undoubtedly.

i wish we could ctb together as originally planned :(

im so sorry...shes such a happy and social person.makes me feel so guilty.

I know my dear, I'm sorry I expressed it in such a weird way... But emotions has taken control over me. I have no idea how I can help you. I'm so sorry I said things that made you feel awkward. I can't stop thinking about my mother and I ... shouldn't probably speak out here as I can involuntary hurt you. Sh*t, I whine and I try to justify myself all the time... I should change. I make myself a victim and I don't see anyone suffering. Anyway I just want you to know that I really wish best for you and your mother. Sending love! I'm sorry again.
edit : Just drunken bull***t. I won't bother you anymore.

 

[MariV]

I know my dear, I'm sorry I expressed it in such a weird way... But emotions has taken control over me. I have no idea how I can help you. I'm so sorry I said things that made you feel awkward. I can't stop thinking about my mother and I ... shouldn't probably speak out here as I can involuntary hurt you. Sh*t, I whine and I try to justify myself all the time... I should change. I make myself a victim and I don't see anyone suffering. Anyway I just want you to know that I really wish best for you and your mother. Sending love! I'm sorry again.
edit : Just drunken bull***t. I won't bother you anymore.

thank you and dont worry, you are clearly good-willed. soon i will be in peace

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I'm honestly not sure what to advice. It's great you have such a supportive mother and a relationship where you're able to share how you feel without condemnation. My step dad had parkinsons for over 20 years. It was very hard watching him progress. Even though he was weak- fell a lot, couldn't pull his own pants down to pee due to a mangled hand from a fall and the shakes, that man loved shopping at thrift stores. The only conversation he ever had with me about giving up was he did not want to burden anyone how his mother had, she died of cancer. Since you and your mom are able to be honest and open maybe tell her you are feeling you are reaching the point you've had enough. Could she offer advice as someone looking in from the outside what could possibly help you find some value to stay? She will appreciate you asking her. when she can't find value for you to stay than you could go knowing she sees it's your last option.

 

[MariV]

she is coming now to the hospital to stay with me in my room. im going to tell her that i want to ctb...not somewhen in the future but now. im so sorry but what can i do? im so tormented phisycally and mentally

 

[MariV]

hey everybody...remember my story? well...my mother was very supportive with ctb and i was planning to do it on this week. but now that the thing started and i began with the antiemetics she changed drastically. keeps om crying and throwing tantrums even whe she says the last thing she wants is seeing me suffer, which i do immensely, and she is well aware.

pls give me some advice on how to deal with this. im so sad about she suffering but my life is unbearable. cant even read or play games due to extreme mental fog

 

[Sinkinshyp]

again, I honestly don't know what to advise. Only you know what is needed for you. Have you been to therapy? could you be willing to give therapy and meds another try for your mom?

 

[MariV]

yes...sorry for being annoying. well my problems are physical...and many. whatever...theres nothing you can say or do, i understand. thank you for ur support and i hope some day your pain will be over aswell. hugs

 

[voyager]

Try and give her a little more time if you can to become accustomed to the idea. That's all I can think of. Your mum seemingly wants to go on living. So, despite your pact, it doesn't seem feasible and not fair on either of you since you are in different stages of your life/illness. You can't expect her to quit her life because of your ctb and she can't expect you to continue on in pain for her sake. But since you have a good relationship and have been honest with each other so far I think you should try and talk about this again in all honesty and sort it out. Hope you can find middle ground.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

yes...sorry for being annoying. well my problems are physical...and many. whatever...theres nothing you can say or do, i understand. thank you for ur support and i hope some day your pain will be over aswell. hugs

thank you hun. Just think over all the situations and decide what YOU think is best for YOU. I'm sorry you have many physical problems. As a mother, I think it will hurt her to some extent no matter when you choose- if it be today or next month. Take the time while you are going through the prep to express how much you love and value her, how you dont want her sad. Your post has had to make me think... if my child were in some degenerative physical illness and wanted to go what would I do? I guess I would get child out of hospital and we would go together if there wasn't a chance for recovery for my childs illness's. It would be an evil mom murder suicide of course by the news but I know I wouldn't be able to watch my child ill, suffering to die slowly. If they were expressing CTB we would discuss it and in the end I would give my child the relief and follow immediately.

I post it on facebook- theres a picture someone dead in a hospital bed surrounded by people crying and they're a ghost being met with past loved ones. I always say - when my time comes don't cry for me I will be with my son and happy. Thats the only way for me to find happiness.

Wishing you peace MariV... love and hugs

 

[MariV]

Try and give her a little more time if you can to become accustomed to the idea. That's all I can think of. Your mum seemingly wants to go on living. So, despite your pact, it doesn't seem feasible and not fair on either of you since you are in different stages of your life/illness. You can't expect her to quit her life because of your ctb and she can't expect you to continue on in pain for her sake. But since you have a good relationship and have been honest with each other so far I think you should try and talk about this again in all honesty and sort it out. Hope you can find middle ground.

wise words indeed. ill try to slowly put in her the idea that its simply not worth it, not even for her. my god im so sorry but god knows i cant keep on like this. thank you and good luck with what whatever brought you here

 

[Secrets1]

yes...sorry for being annoying. well my problems are physical...and many. whatever...theres nothing you can say or do, i understand. thank you for ur support and i hope some day your pain will be over aswell. hugs

You aren't even a little annoying. Your relationship is precious. The care and strength on both sides makes me emotional. This is a quandary I've not seen on SS yet.

Your mother is courageous, realistic and will clearly suffer some. She is willing to take that on <3. I guess the question I'd ask is what is more painful to you? Thinking about your mom alone or keep dealing with illness? I imagine your answer might flip flop over time. Obviously you've been trying to parse this out as time goes on but if you can sit with it, settle on which causes more pain I think it will guide you properly.

 

[MariV]

thank you hun. Just think over all the situations and decide what YOU think is best for YOU. I'm sorry you have many physical problems. As a mother, I think it will hurt her to some extent no matter when you choose- if it be today or next month. Take the time while you are going through the prep to express how much you love and value her, how you dont want her sad. Your post has had to make me think... if my child were in some degenerative physical illness and wanted to go what would I do? I guess I would get child out of hospital and we would go together if there wasn't a chance for recovery for my childs illness's. It would be an evil mom murder suicide of course by the news but I know I wouldn't be able to watch my child ill, suffering to die slowly. If they were expressing CTB we would discuss it and in the end I would give my child the relief and follow immediately.

I post it on facebook- theres a picture someone dead in a hospital bed surrounded by people crying and they're a ghost being met with past loved ones. I always say - when my time comes don't cry for me I will be with my son and happy. Thats the only way for me to find happiness.

Wishing you peace MariV... love and hugs

when your time comes ill open some champgane from wherever i am as you will be reunited with your beloved son and pletoric :) big hug

You aren't even a little annoying. Your relationship is precious. The care and strength on both sides makes me emotional. This is a quandary I've not seen on SS yet.

Your mother is courageous, realistic and will clearly suffer some. She is willing to take that on <3. I guess the question I'd ask is what is more painful to you? Thinking about your mom alone or keep dealing with illness? I imagine your answer might flip flop over time. Obviously you've been trying to parse this out as time goes on but if you can sit with it, settle on which causes more pain I think it will guide you properly.

exactly...flip flop...at one moment i think i should, the next moment i picture her suffering and try to keep on. hellish situation indeed. ty for your support. ctbing at the same time was ideal but things happened this way. big hugs and good luck for ur situation aswell

 

[Secrets1]

when your time comes ill open some champgane from wherever i am as you will be reunited with your beloved son and pletoric :) big hug

exactly...flip flop...at one moment i think i should, the next moment i picture her suffering and try to keep on. hellish situation indeed. ty for your support. ctbing at the same time was ideal but things happened this way. big hugs and good luck for ur situation aswell

Thank you. I'm not in your position but can empathize with similar issues. I'm sorry for your suffering and love your attitude. Despite the storm I swear I can feel your good energy through the net.., Good luck. Big hugs. <3

 

[tidalwxves]

O am your typical only child who grew up with his mother. We have a very close relationship, discuss everything and are 100% open with each other. We got together into this ctb thing because she has parkinson and wanted to have a way out in case things got very bad.
Thing is she has remained stable but on the other hand ive developed a myriad of hellish health problems. I suffer excruciatingly everyday. Chronoc pain, Crohns, tinnitus, skin cancer...you name it, I have it. She tells me she would rather have me ctb than see me suffering, that its my choice, but her eyes get wet when she says it. I know it will be terrible for her and in some way i wish her parkinson would finally get worse so we could ctb together as we once said we would.

What can i say? What can I do? pls i need some advice with my situation.

Well your mother has given you your autonomy, so it is really up to you. A lot of mothers would not allow this sort of talk, the fact that she is that empathetic to your suffering opens the door for conversations. I think you really need to talk to her about what her support systems would be, who would care for her if things no longer remain stable for her. I think its about educating yourself as much as possible to the potential consequences of your actions and you are lucky because you can have those conversations straight up without having to pretend you are talking about something else. Good luck, this is a big decision, take your time

 

[foxdie]

Reading this made me tear up. This is an unimaginably difficult situation and sending you love in this horrible predicament. Like @voyager said I think only time could help her come to terms with it. But holy hell this is tough place to be. You both are very strong for even being able to be open with each other. Just keeping that honesty is best imo. But I don't even know what else to say

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

@MariV, you and your mom seem to communicate really well, and she doesn't seem controlling at all. I think maybe she needs some time to process and prepare herself, because it's not longer theoretical, shit just got real. I don't know your limitations based on your condition, but what if you were to postpone for, say, six weeks, and tell her that. Let her go through her stuff, spend time together, and start getting closure for your relationship. Let her question you if she wants, but you can remain calm and firm about the subject (and of course have your own emotions). This is assuming she really is that accepting and won't do anything rash like try to get you sectioned or out you and your plans to someone who would.