My plan thus far.

[highlyvolatile]

I had been thinking about it and I was planning to ctb this month. I was considering giving a first real attempt after the 4th. Because I have a counseling appt the 4th and idk what im expecting to get out of it. But my current plan is to go with the stat dose method. I have everything besides the anti emetic. I dont vomit often though, so im not necesarrily worried about it. And a rapid heartbeat happens to me often with asthma and my other health issues.

In my mind it seems fool proof following the SN method in stans guide like if i'll need to fast a bit before I start SN I usually dont eat much anyway so i'll be fine. I'm currently 123 lbs or at least i was. I may have been losing even more weight at this point im unsure. But im confident the SN will work, and I dont need a lot of it even though I have 2L of it... I was thinking I'd take the SN around 8 or 10 pm, I should be fine. If it takes from around 40 mins to 4 hours for a confirmed death and to not be recovered I'll be fine. My family wakes up early, but the earliest they wake up ive seen has been about 7 am but that was for a trip. They usually only check on me for breakfast, dinner, and when they want me to go to doctor appointments with them. I figure if everything goes we'll they'll notice my body by morning. I am not completely sure what day I am doing this but I will be doing it relatively soon. To be honest the conditions here are almost too perfect it feels scary. Like too good to be true.

I also guess im just a bit sad. I have gotten to enjoy the company of you guys. I love my family to death and since leaving my social media my friends hadnt reached out as often... not many people do now... I will say i feel a but guilty as we just had a funeral the 29th and if i ctb it will be the first known suicide death in our family. This guilt is the *only* thing that has continued to push my ctb dates further and further back. I dont care much about my life nor myself. I love my family soooo much and I've really gotten to care deeply about you all too. However, I know that I want to die. I was hoping life would have ended me by now or that maybe i couldve even gone in my sleep. But seeing as how neither has happened yet here I am.

This isnt a goodbye thread yet, but when I do decide on a day this week, or in the future, (if i postpone) i'll continue this thread here. My only wish is that I dont go alone. My good friend @sickInsominic42 said she'd also be there with me and im grateful. I'll just try not to go while she doesnt have as much access to wifi atm. But if she isnt able to be around, could one of you take her place?

Thanks y'all. Sorry for the lengthy post at 4:30+ am. I just needed to get this out of my head and somewhere more concrete. So it seems more real, more definite, more absolute.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I understand the feeling of guilt that you have, due to being the only known ctb in the family, especially after you've been to a previous funeral for another family member. I think this was one of the things that kept me from going through with the plan I had last year, even though it wasn't the only one. I hope the process goes well for you without the anti-emetic. SN sounds like some amazing stuff, but I would be afraid to try it without having something to prevent throwing it back up.

Whatever date you pick for this, we'll all try to be here for you as much as we can. Also, don't feel too bad for making a long post so early in the morning, I've been sleeping terrible today, so it gives me something to read and think about for the time being.

 

[Despondent]

If @sickInsominic42 isn't able to be there, then I will be there if you'd like :) I'm sorry that life has pushed you to this point.. I really do enjoy chatting with you and you're such a sweet person ❤ You're very down-to-earth, caring, and you think a lot about the feelings of others which are all good traits. I will support you with whichever choice you make

 

[highlyvolatile]

I understand the feeling of guilt that you have, due to being the only known ctb in the family, especially after you've been to a previous funeral for another family member. I think this was one of the things that kept me from going through with the plan I had last year, even though it wasn't the only one. I hope the process goes well for you without the anti-emetic. SN sounds like some amazing stuff, but I would be afraid to try it without having something to prevent throwing it back up.

Whatever date you pick for this, we'll all try to be here for you as much as we can. Also, don't feel too bad for making a long post so early in the morning, I've been sleeping terrible today, so it gives me something to read and think about for the time being.

Thank you. I am a tad worried about not having the anti-emetic. And i dont mind pushing it back or postponing it even but the days are long and nights are longer. I dont vomit often so i hope i'll be okay? but its just a lot im thinking that im overthinking.

amd thanks again ♡ i find myself typing a lot all the time like this now haha. I also have terrible sleep so i understand.

 

[faust]

Thank you for everything you decided to tell us
A loss is always hard and this affects everybody to some extent.
I would postpone CTB date myself too.
You are not obliged to do that as soon as possible, so you have a decent time span to decide if you really want to CTB.
I am not willing to influence your decision, but how about trying something new before you go?
Maybe you have some desires or things you still have to do?
Having a method nearby is sometimes comforting and you don't feel that pressure which future may "gift".
Hope you will get enough sleep and... always feel free to vent, we are here for people like you :)

 

[highlyvolatile]

If @sickInsominic42 isn't able to be there, then I will be there if you'd like :) I'm sorry that life has pushed you to this point.. I really do enjoy chatting with you and you're such a sweet person ❤ You're very down-to-earth, caring, and you think a lot about the feelings of others which are all good traits. I will support you with whichever choice you make

Thank you so much for the kind words and id love for you to be there if she cant. ♡♡♡ Im not trying to rush things but I am tired. I try telling myself that I can make it through the whole month but ive been losing hope for a while very fast.

Thank you for everything you decided to tell us
A loss is always hard and this affects everybody to some extent.
I would postpone CTB date myself too.
You are not obliged to do that as soon as possible, so you have a decent time span to decide if you really want to CTB.
I am not willing to influence your decision, but how about trying something new before you go?
Maybe you have some desires or things you still have to do?
Having a method nearby is sometimes comforting and you don't feel that pressure which future may "gift".
Hope you will get enough sleep and... always feel free to vent, we are here for people like you :)

I hadnt really thought about like new things I'd try honestly. Maybe ill try to learn to swim sometime this week or something. The only thing i think i realllly want is a hot fresh donut from Krispy Kreme. Theyre the absolute best to me. And I have fond memories of eating them with my mom. I know I dont have to go now, but the window of oppotunity has never been this open for me. I'll let you guys know what I end up doing. But right now I'm set on after the 4th.

 

[Iloveyouall]

since leaving my social media my friends hadnt reached out as often... not many people do now...

Same here. I left Facebook like 5 or 6 years ago and 3/4 of the people I knew just disappeared from my life. They were all people I knew IRL, they had my phone number but nothing from them. Nothing from me either actually...

I don't know you much but I'll be sad when you're gone as you seem a gentle and caring person to me and also because your Moomin pic is very cute and I like seeing it on the threads :3
Whenever you're ready, whatever you choose, we'll be here.

 

[Anon2662]

This makes me so sad but like I've said before I totally support you in whatever decision you make. And you know I'm always there for a chat on PM.. you're not alone!

 

[sickInsominic42]

I'm sorry beyond words for not being here for you. I'm stuck in the middle of farmland with no service in the snow. I hope you are still here and doing okay. I feel so guilty for not being there for you during this

 

[highlyvolatile]

I'm sorry beyond words for not being here for you. I'm stuck in the middle of farmland with no service in the snow. I hope you are still here and doing okay. I feel so guilty for not being there for you during this

Noooo you're fine. I've told you before i understand your situation, and you've been here for me before. ♡♡ I just want you to enjoy your visit. Im ok. Ill try to sleep again soon. but please try not to feel too bad. Ive appreciated you from the start. So it's ok if you can't be here right this moment. I understand. ♡♡♡♡

 

[sickInsominic42]

Your so awesome. Im sorry that everything feels like it's just getting worse. But I'm glad to know that there are so many supportive people here to help make any decisions made more comforting.

 

[CuddleHug]

Sending you lots of hugs and all support I can

 

[Jean4]

I understand how you feel and it makes me happy seeing your cute avatar pop up.

We love you and consider you part of our family. I'm here if you want to talk.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I hope you'll do a separate goodbye thread. It won't be obvious to many that this ongoing thread will change purposes.

 

[highlyvolatile]

I have to say after reading you all's posts i will do a seperate goodbye thread and im also crying a bit now. My sister called and all i could do was tell her i loved her. Ive been editing and re-editing my suicide note. When i do my goodbye post ill leave my note up for you all if you'd also like to read it. Making it through this week will be tough as hell. But ... thanks again everyone..

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I have to say after reading you all's posts i will do a seperate goodbye thread and im also crying a bit now. My sister called and all i could do was tell her i loved her. Ive been editing and re-editing my suicide note. When i do my goodbye post ill leave my note up for you all if you'd also like to read it. Making it through this week will be tough as hell. But ... thanks again everyone..

It really sucks that you have to go through this, but at least you won't be completely alone during this week because of us being here. Posts like these are just another reminder of why I hate the world we live in so much. No one should ever have to suffer so much that suicide is a solution worth considering, but unfortunately a lot of people do.