Hi, so I've been obsessed with someone, who I never met, since I've heard abt him/saw him on the news. He died 12/14/2012 bc of smth horrible he did, iykyk, but I've always loved him for the person he was before he did what he did. Since the 14th is Thursday, a couple days ago I decided I was gonna ctb Thursday at 9:40 AM, the time he died, and I decided on partial, but I'm nervous because I have to do it in the school bathroom (unless I do it at 9:40 PM but I rlly don't wanna have to go to therapy that day) which hopefully no one is in at the time but Im scared I wont die fast enough. Another thing, Im still deciding on it because I keep thinking of my dog and my grandparents (they adopted me) and how sad i think theyd be. Especially my dog because I hate seeing him sad and I wish my mind wasn't like this. I was thinking about going to a long term facility but then I wouldnt be able to listen to music or see my dog, which hes the only reason Im still here. Im so all over the place abt this idk what to do. Its like i dont wanna die but I also wanna die bc I hate having to deal with my mind. Im stuck. Idk what to do. Im only posting this because I literally have no one I can tell this to so any feedback would be appreciated. Ik I dont rlly deserve to die but Ive made a lot of mistakes and lied to a lot ppl abt big things and I hate feeling guilty for myself. I hate my intrusive thoughts, my body, how I think, literally everything abt myself, even tho ik theres good in me. I decided today that I wasnt gonna do any school work since my grades arent gonna matter when im gone, but because of my dog Im starting to rethink everything.
Soc
Member
- Dec 9, 2023
- 71
You still have so much of a future to live for since you're still in school. I've been thru all that and had good and bad times. I'm a lot older and respect your choice but think from what you are saying that you are having second thoughts. Maybe hold onto those thoughts but carefully consider such a thing as there is no urgency from what you have said.
kittyswift
getting tired even for a phoenix..
- Sep 29, 2023
- 216
if you arent fully sure about wanting to ctb, id say don't rush into doing it. there is no need to rush into it impulsively, and you can always do it later if you want to. i often say to myself that i have forever to be dead, so that i don't act impulsively. if you want to try and get some help, try and do that before deciding. hang on to your reasons to stay until there arent any anymore. best wishes <3
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