i have failed-out of college after four years wasted(three if we considered that the first one was freezed because i came too late for the first semester), i was always a failure (in the eyes of my family) and pathetic outcast (in the eyes of EVERYONE), i always loathed myself sense i was in elementary, my parents always used to compare me to my siblings saying things like "couldn't you be more like your siblings", i have never made them proud, i wasn't an absolute failure in elementary, middle school and high school, i was yet "underachiever" in the eyes of my parents, i got grades like 93% or less while my siblings got 99%, 98% or even sometimes 100%,i studied in a public school while my sister and brother both studied in private schools, supposedly my school curriculum was the weakest so i was supposed to get even better grades than my siblings but i didn't, i used to right failure next to every mistake that teachers pointed out in my homework so i remember that i shouldn't repeat it again, i didn't like to have tutors i just don't like to, i am arrogant idiot but i am more timid when directly dealing with strangers, i am shut-in i don't interact that much with people outside of my home i go around but at night so there isn't that much of people around, i am honestly pathetic parasite i don't contribute anything useful to society i am literally a worthless stone that's dragging everyone in my life down, my mom once told me "i hope if you have hanged yourself back then", i have tried to suicide multiple times only once that i was really near doing it i got into a short coma woke up to find myself with bruises because i kept resisting when i was unconscious and that made the knob get loss lowering the pressure on my vains, i have being in nihilistic state for the couple of past years just not caring if i lived or died at any moment just wondering aimlessly in life, no friends irl, my family resent me, no future, no will to either kill myself or to continue living, just existing with nothing in mind at all but guilt and self loathing, running around to distract myself with anything at hand until i can't anymore.
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