NSFW My past relationship and missing it (TW: somewhat nsfw)

[sadidiot0328]

When I was 16, I was in a sexual relationship with someone who was 19 years old online. They knew I was hypersexual and encouraged me to be sexual with them during our "relationship". I put quotation marks because it was mainly just us being sexual with each other. My therapist said it was grooming when I opened up to her, and so did my friends saying it was wrong for an adult to go after a minor, even if I was legal in their country. I don't know why, but I miss it.

I miss having someone older care for me and my needs, and letting me be comfortable. I miss them telling me how attractive I was and how much they loved me. Most of all, I miss having someone let me be vulnerable without feeling nervous about it. Part of me doesn't care it was wrong, and craves that kind of love again. I don't care if it wasn't love, I felt cared for and that someone wanted me to be happy. I want something like that again, even if it's bad. I want someone to love me again like they did. Hell, I don't even know if it was grooming since I enjoyed it. Sometimes I wish it lasted longer or it happened again. I feel like a freak but I miss it all. I miss every moment I spent with them. When we broke up I contemplated ending my life many times, losing them destroyed me for a while. I feel so stupid for telling my friends or my therapist, I could've gotten them arrested and I'd feel terrible for ruining their life. Fuck. I'm sorry if this is breaking the rules, I'll take it down if need be. Call me an attention seeker, loser, whatever. I needed to get this out.

 

[AllFoxedOut]

it sounds like you crave affection. i do too. made mistakes with guys on grindr that I regret and feel dirty about to this day.

noone here will call you an attention seeker or a loser here. this is a safe place and what pains you is understandable

 

[Aisley]

From 18 to about 22 i did mostly guys in their 40's. And no one ever loved me so gratefully. Fuckin cooked and cleaned for me, and everything. More coke than I could shake a stick at, and life was a hedonistic feast. I regret none of it and look back fondly. Everyone will look at your life and think what the after-school specials taught them to think, but if you're not hurting anyone, then enjoy what you can. There's three whole years between 16 and 19; I wouldn't sweat it too much. A little groomy, yes, but just a little.