My partner wants to kill himself

[eatingmyselfaway]

Ugh I don't even know how to begin this story of mine. It began when I was diagnosed with bipolar and met a guy on a chat group about that disease and we kinda fell in love and I am in a rush moved in with him leaving my "life" (a misery that I've been) behind. We knew this will never be easy, its fucking hard when 1 person in a relationship have a depression or other mental illnesses but take two and you got yourself a fucking bomb. But we managed, I am a very kind and gentle person trying everyday to peel off his onion layered skin and make him comfortable being himself and he is making me feel loved and fuffiling that need in family and close bond in me. So it went kinda allright we had our ups and downs ofc, but for the past year it's been only downs. His depression developed, his medication is not working, he developed agoraphobia almost a year in our relationship and we've been together for more than a 4 years now, so he nver leaves our house and it makes him more desperate. I blame myself for enabling it, for creating an envioroment where he can live like that, never leaving his doorstep, when I can do it for him, shutting him down, dragging him into that family and long relationship thing being supportive and eventually allowing him to rot inside. Past year been fuckin worst, since my condition worsened, so I can't do shit about the fact that we live in a filthy flat, we have no clean clothes and we eat instant shit because I can't do stuff man. I wantet to go myself so badly but when it was so close I understood for myself that I love this stupid life that I am scared of dying, but he can't see that. He had this idea of dying at 27 like romanticizing death for the long time and then I came and dragged him with me till his 30, he will be 30 soon and he is so bad rn, he is misarable he doesn;t see the "light" he doesn't see the reason to live he is off his meds and he want's me to allow it (offing himself) or fuckig leave him so he could just off himself while I am not present. I am scared, I love him so fucking much, I've already lost people in my life and I son't know what to do, I can't leave so he will off himself I will live with that for my wholelife, I can't take that on me, but he doesn't want me here and I feel like I am not helping and I can't fix him. I want him to get better. I want to call the doctor to help wim but when we first stardet dating he opened up about how his parents used to just lock him in psych ward instead of talking to him and understanding, they did it forcefully and I made a promise that I won;t do that to him and I will not allow this to happen ever again, I've been keeping him from that place even when thing were as bad as now but I was stronger back then and he wanted me there by his side. I don't want to betray his trust but he is very unwell and I am a fuckin chiken because I just can't let him go. he is kinda the only thing I got here. Should I stop being selfish and let him go? Should I betray him and call the doc? I have nobody to talk this shit about.

 

[virginiawoolfe]

Oh sister I get that this is a real dilemma. Boil it down to what's the worst that can happen in either case. You do nothing .. maybe he offs himself .. you call the doctor .. he resents you but lives on .
Maybe just maybe there will be a more effective medication for him . Wishing you strength and courage

 

[eatingmyselfaway]

Oh sister I get that this is a real dilemma. Boil it down to what's the worst that can happen in either case. You do nothing .. maybe he offs himself .. you call the doctor .. he resents you but lives on .
Maybe just maybe there will be a more effective medication for him . Wishing you strength and courage

You know what I am so deprived from support about that thing that this made me cry so badly. I am pro-choise in everything and I believe that a person can decide for himself whether they want to live or not but I've seen him dount himself, I've seen that "light" in him. I know that this is his illness that taking him away. Oh god I wish it was easier. I am in a deep depression myself but thanks to my previous traumas I am having sort of blockage from it for now. Thank you for your kind words this means a lot for me.

 

[cambrai33]

Ugh I don't even know how to begin this story of mine. It began when I was diagnosed with bipolar and met a guy on a chat group about that disease and we kinda fell in love and I am in a rush moved in with him leaving my "life" (a misery that I've been) behind. We knew this will never be easy, its fucking hard when 1 person in a relationship have a depression or other mental illnesses but take two and you got yourself a fucking bomb. But we managed, I am a very kind and gentle person trying everyday to peel off his onion layered skin and make him comfortable being himself and he is making me feel loved and fuffiling that need in family and close bond in me. So it went kinda allright we had our ups and downs ofc, but for the past year it's been only downs. His depression developed, his medication is not working, he developed agoraphobia almost a year in our relationship and we've been together for more than a 4 years now, so he nver leaves our house and it makes him more desperate. I blame myself for enabling it, for creating an envioroment where he can live like that, never leaving his doorstep, when I can do it for him, shutting him down, dragging him into that family and long relationship thing being supportive and eventually allowing him to rot inside. Past year been fuckin worst, since my condition worsened, so I can't do shit about the fact that we live in a filthy flat, we have no clean clothes and we eat instant shit because I can't do stuff man. I wantet to go myself so badly but when it was so close I understood for myself that I love this stupid life that I am scared of dying, but he can't see that. He had this idea of dying at 27 like romanticizing death for the long time and then I came and dragged him with me till his 30, he will be 30 soon and he is so bad rn, he is misarable he doesn;t see the "light" he doesn't see the reason to live he is off his meds and he want's me to allow it (offing himself) or fuckig leave him so he could just off himself while I am not present. I am scared, I love him so fucking much, I've already lost people in my life and I son't know what to do, I can't leave so he will off himself I will live with that for my wholelife, I can't take that on me, but he doesn't want me here and I feel like I am not helping and I can't fix him. I want him to get better. I want to call the doctor to help wim but when we first stardet dating he opened up about how his parents used to just lock him in psych ward instead of talking to him and understanding, they did it forcefully and I made a promise that I won;t do that to him and I will not allow this to happen ever again, I've been keeping him from that place even when thing were as bad as now but I was stronger back then and he wanted me there by his side. I don't want to betray his trust but he is very unwell and I am a fuckin chiken because I just can't let him go. he is kinda the only thing I got here. Should I stop being selfish and let him go? Should I betray him and call the doc? I have nobody to talk this shit about.

Oh this is a hard read

You come across as such a caring soul but left with the worst choices to make, my opinion means shit to most but I will try…

The bit about romanticising ctb just doesn't seem right and I can see it's not for you, you have something inside you that wants life and in my opinion that is a precious thing considering where we all are right now

I personally would betray his trust if you feel in your gut that he is not making a rational decision, you will hate yourself for it and question how you could do it but you are the closest person to him and you know deep down what is right in this situation. I get being pro choice but I also like that choice to be from the best rational place you can be at.

I am genuinely sorry for the situation you are faced with but from what you have written you come across as genuine and with a big heart, please try and be strong and be kind to yourself if you can

 

[eatingmyselfaway]

Oh this is a hard read

You come across as such a caring soul but left with the worst choices to make, my opinion means shit to most but I will try…

The bit about romanticising ctb just doesn't seem right and I can see it's not for you, you have something inside you that wants life and in my opinion that is a precious thing considering where we all are right now

I personally would betray his trust if you feel in your gut that he is not making a rational decision, you will hate yourself for it and question how you could do it but you are the closest person to him and you know deep down what is right in this situation. I get being pro choice but I also like that choice to be from the best rational place you can be at.

I am genuinely sorry for the situation you are faced with but from what you have written you come across as genuine and with a big heart, please try and be strong and be kind to yourself if you can

Thank you. It means a lot to me tbh.

He himself said that he won't do it on a whim even when we are both were thinking about ctb together he always said about being sure. I guess he doesn't want to go either, he just feels out of place, he can't find anything that will make him happy and often talks about finding his thing like the job or a hobby that he will love, but everything so far seems not interesting to him, this might be his illness ofc you will feel apathy if you are depressed duh.. I will try to reason him about seeing a doctor once more, he wasn't so fond of that idea but I think he might understand deeply inside that he needs it. Also when we talk about his ilness he is ofter questioning me and himself whether it's not an illness but he is himself like that, unhappy and unwilling to live, like a part of his character. I think this says a lot about how he is tired of years and years of this shit and can't even tell himself without this pain. But I think I've seen him behind all of that, but sometimes I wonder if I just making that up, it is very hard. Life if hard but I am all for it right now. I still remember times when he was happy with me and ever little bit of that memories makes me happy. I wish I could heal like I love to do in video games lol.

 

[eatingmyselfaway]

If you are reading this please consider. I love you more than anything, it feels empty without you in my future.

 

[Huntfish34]

Damnn.. That's a really rough / awkward position to be in to say the Very Least. Sorry you are having to deal with all of the back and forth, emotions , about leaving him and what he might possibly do after.

I wish you nothing but the best in what you / he decides. Take care of yourself.

 

[eatingmyselfaway]

I've managed to talk him into seeing a doctor before I will leave for good. My heart is so broken rn lol. We have a cat together, the cat is tecnically mine so I will take it with me but where I am going back there are a dog and a small room and I don't knw if I am going to be able to take a good care of a cat in this situation I might just go to psych ward myself and will have to find new owners for my kitty. She is a baby to me, like my child. I am losing everyone here and I can't even guarantee that my loved person wont kill himself once I leave.

 

[Deadweight]

He is lucky to have you. I wish I had somebody like you in my life. He would be an absolute fool if the prospect of losing you doesn't motivate him to help himself more. I sincerely hope for his sake he's able to start making some forward progress now that you've made your intentions clear. Women like you are worth fighting tooth and nail for. All the best