Venting My parents just don't understand

[CrushedHopes]

Anyone that has seen me post enough times knows that I used to be an aspiring voice actor/director/writer that was very hopeful and working his way towards breaking into the industry. I've recently been blacklisted, and the details of which are on my story thread in my sig. My original plan was to get a simple bachelor's degree so that I would have a day job to make a living to help make my dreams come true.

My parents are fully aware of the fact that I have lost all will and motivation to keep going on; during my first phone call with them right after I realized that I had been outed, I tried to discuss suicide options with them. Obviously, being the pro-lifers they are, they wouldn't discuss the topic. I whined a lot in that phone call (it lasted for hours). Every other phone call following that consists of whining about my predicament. I had a very "woe is me" attitude and a self-deprecating tone.

They don't understand that losing all my hopes and dreams mean that I have no more reason to keep on going. I've really had it. This is why I'm glad that I found SS - a pro-choice environment that would provide comfort and compassion regardless of my reasons. My parents are *still* trying to "plan" ahead and have me enroll into a different university in their state. Either they don't care that my aspirations are all gone, or they don't understand how much this debacle has damaged me thoroughly. Well, it's fine. They'll understand when they see my corpse. I never outright stated that I'm really serious about suicide; only that I wanted to waste away my life. /sigh

I think it kinda helps that I had whined about wanting to die over what they deem to be trivial matters before. There was even this one time that I overdosed with sleeping pills because I was failing a school semester. So..... yeah. I highly doubt that they'll see it coming, because I apparently "always get back up". >_>

Meh. Won't be getting back up this time around. I'm staying down and bringing all my broken hopes and dreams to the grave.

 

[trynacbt]

My parents were always the same, doing everything they could to keep me here. And I was always very grateful for that, despite my despair; so there was a lot of guilt. Then my mother ctb'd... everything changed and now the rules seem different to me...

I'm sorry your parents do not understand. It is also very likely a mode of defense for themselves, because they love you and because they see you as a part of them. I think even if pro choice were a thing society wise, it would continue to be incredibly difficult for a parent to accept it if it happened to their own kid.

I wish you well and I wish all this were easier.

 

[CrushedHopes]

Thank you for your compassion. Of course they wouldn't be okay with the idea of wanting to off myself - they've spent a lot of resources on me, and they're determined to keep spending more and more until I "succeed". How the fuck do they expect me to succeed in life when I no longer have any aspirations? I'm sorry, dad and mom, but I'll never succeed because I fucked it all up. Don't expect me to keep on going, and especially don't expect me to get married and have kids. I would have loved to, but alas, it's not meant to be.

 

[trynacbt]

I would hope that they don't only want you to succeed; that they also hope for your happiness. But I can't comment on that as I don't know the situation...

"It just wasn't meant to be." That's a phrase I've been saying to myself a lot today. It helps, whenever I find myself yearning for what I know is impossible.

 

[CrushedHopes]

I would hope that they don't only want you to succeed; that they also hope for your happiness. But I can't comment on that as I don't know the situation...

I had already told them that I would never be happy for the rest of my life. A boring and uncolorful life devoid of my VA pals is anything but happy. They don't understand that I could only find true salvation through death at this stage. It also doesn't help that I keep yearning to turn back time and have a do over so that I wouldn't end up like this.

I can't cope with my regrets and broken aspirations. Maybe if there was a way to erase the memories of the joys I had as an aspiring VA, then I'd still be inclined to live. Or a do over (there I go again). That would work in my favor too. Otherwise, I choose death. The industry isn't easy to break into, but there's always a chance as long as you're not blacklisted. Not anymore, though. I'm done.

I should also mention that I recently got banned from editing on Wikipedia as well. That makes my predicament twice as worse as it was before - now, whenever I try to watch anime, play games or even go on Wikipedia, I get.... a bit triggered and uncomfortable. Just look at me - I'm such a pathetic waste of life. I can't wait to fucking die this weekend (it's looking to be that soon). I'm not gonna wait until I inevitably meet my own demise in other ways.