Venting My parents can never know

[gnomeboy17]

I told my parents last night that I feel like I disappointment and that I've ruined their lives. And my mum just started crying and kind of got mad at me for saying that.

They always tell me to talk about my feelings, this is the first time I've got close to telling them I tried to ctb a few months ago, and that I still kind of want to. But I'll never be able to tell them,

I'm suicidal --> my mum gets upset --> I feel guilty --> further fueling my SI

 

[theguineapigking]

They found my goodbye note when they went home to get me clothes, due to being at the hospital for emergency lung surgery. My mom already knew I was though. But the note was found my my dad in 2016. Why am I still alive? Sadly, because of my love for my family.


I've never had an attempt yet. It must be so very hard to have done so, yet not be able to tell your parents. Is there any way that you can tell your mom? Is there a specific time that is better, such as when she's talking with you at a specific time of day, maybe after she's relaxed more?

 

[gnomeboy17]

They found my goodbye note when they went home to get me clothes, due to being at the hospital for emergency lung surgery. My mom already knew I was though. But the note was found my my dad in 2016. Why am I still alive? Sadly, because of my love for my family.


I've never had an attempt yet. It must be so very hard to have done so, yet not be able to tell your parents. Is there any way that you can tell your mom? Is there a specific time that is better, such as when she's talking with you at a specific time of day, maybe after she's relaxed more?

Aw sorry to hear that, I keep my notes on my phone because no one could ever see that. I'm glad you love your family, sounds like they love you too!

I appreciate the sentiment but I think there's no time that's good for a parent to hear this. I might tell them when we're out of lockdown but I'd hate spending every moment with them if they really knew me.

 

[WhatIsMyLife]

My parents don't even know I have severe depression, let alone that I'm suicidal. It'll just make things worse. Don't want that to happen.

 

[Bct]

Won't tell them while I'm still alive. After reading this thread, I'll try to make a suicide note to them so at least they know I killed myself and they don't have to search my body.

 

[theguineapigking]

Aw sorry to hear that, I keep my notes on my phone because no one could ever see that. I'm glad you love your family, sounds like they love you too!

I appreciate the sentiment but I think there's no time that's good for a parent to hear this. I might tell them when we're out of lockdown but I'd hate spending every moment with them if they really knew me.

I completely understand. You're right, there's never a 'good' time for a parent to hear of something so sad. However, perhaps there is a 'better' time to tell them. It definitely would be awkward to do so while in lockdown. If you feel that you think you should tell them the truth, i think you should. Perhaps after the lockdown is lifted?



FYI, I forgot to say that I don't think you're a disappointment. You were born into a life, in a body with a certain mindset, of which you had no control. What I mean is that you are born how you're born. You are who you are. If you struggle in life due to depression, feel like a failure due to not completing enough goals(for example), that's not your fault. Depression is like a horrible illness. It's debilitating and renders you with a lack of motivation. Life is hard enough for even the happiest of people: everyone gets sick, everyone goes through emotional bullshit, we all get physical/emotional injuries, etc..but depression just makes a tough existence even harder! However, struggling in life and not succeeding in every goal does NOT at all mean that you're a disappointment...that's my take on it!(Regardless of why you feel like a failure) I've told people on here before, so I'll tell you too: it's very, VERY easy to be hard on yourself. I mean for goodness sakes, even considering my own logic, I'm still hard on myself. I hate myself. That's my point though, it's just too easy to bring yourself down. Maybe you can find a way to go easier on yourself!



Best wishes :)

 

[Green Destiny]

I have told my mom that i've thought about suicide but she basically brushed me off and said I shouldn't think that way. If she doesn't give a damn then she's not going to know.

 

[I screwed up]

No parent wants to know their child is suicidal and it would hurt them .. I don't see any point telling them that unless u want to live or be saved ... If u sure of desire to ctb its better u not tell them.

 

[gnomeboy17]

FYI, I forgot to say that I don't think you're a disappointment. You were born into a life, in a body with a certain mindset, of which you had no control. What I mean is that you are born how you're born. You are who you are. If you struggle in life due to depression, feel like a failure due to not completing enough goals(for example), that's not your fault. Depression is like a horrible illness. It's debilitating and renders you with a lack of motivation. Life is hard enough for even the happiest of people: everyone gets sick, everyone goes through emotional bullshit, we all get physical/emotional injuries, etc..but depression just makes a tough existence even harder! However, struggling in life and not succeeding in every goal does NOT at all mean that you're a disappointment...that's my take on it!(Regardless of why you feel like a failure) I've told people on here before, so I'll tell you too: it's very, VERY easy to be hard on yourself. I mean for goodness sakes, even considering my own logic, I'm still hard on myself. I hate myself. That's my point though, it's just too easy to bring yourself down. Maybe you can find a way to go easier on yourself!



Best wishes :)

Fuck man, that made me cry but like,, the good kind. Thanks for that, I needed to hear it :)

 

[Swoods]

My parents are dead and have been for many years,so no I have not told them

 

[serah]

My parents found out about me self harming back when I was little. As of now, they think things are better and aren't aware of my suicidal tendencies.

 

[gnomeboy17]

My parents found out about me self harming back when I was little. As of now, they think things are better and aren't aware of my suicidal tendencies.

Yeah that's pretty similar to me

 

[Weightoftheworld]

Never. They did find out I take antidepressants when I was hospitalized for another reason though, so they do know I have that going on.

 

[Libracusp_1022]

And my mum just started crying and kind of got mad at me for saying that.

I think your mom was upset that you feel you are a disappointment to them, and crying because she's sad that you feel that way. That's different than blaming you for feeling that way, or saying you feel that way. It's too bad that she seemed angry. Maybe she's angry at herself that you feel they're disappointed in you. Hopefully she'll calm down and you can continue talking with them.

 

[gnomeboy17]

And my mum just started crying and kind of got mad at me for saying that.

I think your mom was upset that you feel you are a disappointment to them, and crying because she's sad that you feel that way. That's different than blaming you for feeling that way, or saying you feel that way. It's too bad that she seemed angry. Maybe she's angry at herself that you feel they're disappointed in you. Hopefully she'll calm down and you can continue talking with them.

Yeah, she definitely didn't mean it to make me feel bad, but ultimately that's how it made me feel. I genuinely feel guilty for existing and this didn't help.

 

[theguineapigking]

Yeah, she definitely didn't mean it to make me feel bad, but ultimately that's how it made me feel. I genuinely feel guilty for existing and this didn't help.

Hey. You shouldn't feel guilty for existing. Guess what? - First off: you didn't ask to be born. So, why should you feel guilty, for that which you couldn't control? Also, why should you feel guilty for existing, just like everyone else? Nobody asked to be born(setting aside spiritual possibilities). Your life is harder than many other lives. Just because you may see yourself as a burden of sorts doesn't mean you're lesser. Even if other people were to blame you for bringing them down, just for existing and struggling in pain, well, too bad for them. Like I said in the last comment, 'you are who you are'! Your parents brought you into this world. You were born with a more likely potential to suffer depression. You've got it rougher than many people. I know it is hard for your parents to see you suffer. I know that you feel like a burden of sorts(I think that's what you mean when you say that you feel guilty), but you're really not. I don't think your parents see you as one either. I imagine they just care for you, which is why your mom was emotionally affected when you talked to her about stuff. I've made my mom and Dad (first time I saw him cry I think) cry when they saw how depressed and suicidal I was. It's a good thing that your mom cares though! Many people don't have that 'someone' whom they can speak to at all.


Also, I feel bad about myself too. I don't know why I defy my own logic, lol. I think that's why it helps when other people besides oneself tell you that you shouldn't feel bad. It's super easy to be hard on yourself. So listen to me, someone else, tell you that you mean something, and that you shouldn't feel guilty or bad about your struggles. Depression is a bitch.



Sorry for the long post man. I'm not great at wording things. Hopefully this gets across what I intend to convey to you!


Best wishes.

 

[Giraffey]

That would be my mother's reaction as well. I used to suffer terrible episodes of pain in which I would curl up into a hyperventilating ball and she found it nigh on impossible to cope with such a difficult sight. She would break down in tears, call her sister (my auntie) and say to me "where did I go wrong?".

This is why I have two main methods I have planned and prepared. The first is completely quick and painless and relatively uncomplicated but makes it abundantly obvious that it was a deliberate act of suicide. The second is more complicated but to ensure that it is reliable and painless, some training is required, which I have been secretly conducting over the last month. This option has plausible deniability so the death would be viewed as an accident or misadventure, I even have an option '2B' which involves construing the second option as a minor act of 'heroism' - "he loved animals, he died trying to save the life of an animal".

The first option gives me the opportunity to rationalise my suicide to my parents, to leave a note and ensure that any unanswered questions are dealt with and guilt is excused before I go. The second and 'third' options deny me that ability but avoid the stigma and guilt that usually come with suicide.

I think my real dilemma is in my case the act of death itself by any means would trigger a kind of fatal chain reaction in the lives of my family and loved ones, that is what really worries me

 

[Walilamdzi]

That would be my mother's reaction as well. I used to suffer terrible episodes of pain in which I would curl up into a hyperventilating ball and she found it nigh on impossible to cope with such a difficult sight. She would break down in tears, call her sister (my auntie) and say to me "where did I go wrong?".

This is why I have two main methods I have planned and prepared. The first is completely quick and painless and relatively uncomplicated but makes it abundantly obvious that it was a deliberate act of suicide. The second is more complicated but to ensure that it is reliable and painless, some training is required, which I have been secretly conducting over the last month. This option has plausible deniability so the death would be viewed as an accident or misadventure, I even have an option '2B' which involves construing the second option as a minor act of 'heroism' - "he loved animals, he died trying to save the life of an animal".

The first option gives me the opportunity to rationalise my suicide to my parents, to leave a note and ensure that any unanswered questions are dealt with and guilt is excused before I go. The second and 'third' options deny me that ability but avoid the stigma and guilt that usually come with suicide.

I think my real dilemma is in my case the act of death itself by any means would trigger a kind of fatal chain reaction in the lives of my family and loved ones, that is what really worries me

What are the methods?

 

[Giraffey]

What are the methods?

1. Inert gas asphyxiation, through work contacts I have access to sufficient quantities of helium, argon or neon of suitably high purity, so I have a choice but my preference is the tried and tested helium. I've done a couple of dry runs and I'm confident that I have the method sussed and reliable if/when the time arrives.

2. Drowning, but by using breathing techniques to induce a hypoxic blackout underwater (so drowning unconsciously). I still have more training to do as I don't have it completely reliable yet. I went for a test run with a friend under the guise of training in freediving and achieved the necessary underwater blackout on cue, he then lifted me from the water so that I could breathe again and I came to with some minor dizziness. Not perfect, but with enough preparation and testing I should suit my purpose.

 

[Libracusp_1022]

Yeah, she definitely didn't mean it to make me feel bad, but ultimately that's how it made me feel. I genuinely feel guilty for existing and this didn't help.

I understand. That sucks.

 

[Jumper Geo]

I was having a drink with my brother and he looked at my screen as we were drunk and I was writing away and he said Sanctioned Suicide and then was reading my messages he said why I said I want to kill myself and I was drunk last week and told my mum I did tell them prior to this but they didn't believe me, so I just carry on until my day arrives.

 

[HappyMstake]

Never. I would never tell them that I'm suicidal. Mainly because when I was 13 my mom saw the cuts on my wrist and rolled her eyes, all she said was "Really Ashley, now this?" Referring to my bulimia as well as the cutting. I'm 25 now and I still remember those words like it was yesterday. My family is the type to make fun of mental illness and depression. They just believe I do it for attention.

 

[gnomeboy17]

Hey. You shouldn't feel guilty for existing. Guess what? - First off: you didn't ask to be born. So, why should you feel guilty, for that which you couldn't control? Also, why should you feel guilty for existing, just like everyone else? Nobody asked to be born(setting aside spiritual possibilities). Your life is harder than many other lives. Just because you may see yourself as a burden of sorts doesn't mean you're lesser. Even if other people were to blame you for bringing them down, just for existing and struggling in pain, well, too bad for them. Like I said in the last comment, 'you are who you are'! Your parents brought you into this world. You were born with a more likely potential to suffer depression. You've got it rougher than many people. I know it is hard for your parents to see you suffer. I know that you feel like a burden of sorts(I think that's what you mean when you say that you feel guilty), but you're really not. I don't think your parents see you as one either. I imagine they just care for you, which is why your mom was emotionally affected when you talked to her about stuff. I've made my mom and Dad (first time I saw him cry I think) cry when they saw how depressed and suicidal I was. It's a good thing that your mom cares though! Many people don't have that 'someone' whom they can speak to at all.


Also, I feel bad about myself too. I don't know why I defy my own logic, lol. I think that's why it helps when other people besides oneself tell you that you shouldn't feel bad. It's super easy to be hard on yourself. So listen to me, someone else, tell you that you mean something, and that you shouldn't feel guilty or bad about your struggles. Depression is a bitch.



Sorry for the long post man. I'm not great at wording things. Hopefully this gets across what I intend to convey to you!


Best wishes.

Sorry I've only just seen this! Thank you and I hope you can keep some of your logic and positivity for yourself! :)

 

[mathieu]

Even if I'd never told them they'd still know because of past attempts that resulted in hospitalisation.

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

Yes and Never.

Yes, I had told my father and I'd never tell my mother. My father is more understanding in that regard.

 

[Deleted member 14386]

Yes, many times, its become a joke between me and my brother (the only one who understands and respects my views, he doesn't want me to ctb but he understands). He's like 'so what would help?' I laugh and he goes 'no...not that thing' and laughs, then cries and makes another joke. I feel bad for leaving him.

My parents have heard me say it so many times they've grown tired of it, I get an air of 'well why not just do it already?' but they never say it, they just say I'm emotionally threatening them and if I continue they'll call the cops/ambulance/emergency services. So I don't tell them anymore, except my bro, he was the one who found and read my entire suicide note, told me and said if he says anything my freedom will be reduced to that of a prison inmate (it's close enough already), he kept it a secret. So I love my bro, and my parents. But my bro comes first because he's the only one trying to actually help. He's fully acknowledged that theres nothing he can do and it's my choice. Which fuels my SI far more than my mum getting all annoyed at my mental state. I literally hung up on her the other day for saying 'well you'll never make any friends like that', I said thanks! and hung up.

Dealing with family is a mission, are you an only child or do you have any siblings to talk to? That's the only ideas I have.
Anyway like others have said you are not worthless, your posts have helped me if that's anything. You didn't choose life, and as my family members have told me multiple times (re my failures), now you can choose, to do anything that pleases you. I doubt they are actively trying to hurt you, but I get that they are all the same. Happens to me too and if I call anyone out I'm the piece of s**t causing trouble and being unreasonable. It's hard man very hard.
edit sorry for the page of text lol

 

[gnomeboy17]

Yes, many times, its become a joke between me and my brother (the only one who understands and respects my views, he doesn't want me to ctb but he understands). He's like 'so what would help?' I laugh and he goes 'no...not that thing' and laughs, then cries and makes another joke. I feel bad for leaving him.

My parents have heard me say it so many times they've grown tired of it, I get an air of 'well why not just do it already?' but they never say it, they just say I'm emotionally threatening them and if I continue they'll call the cops/ambulance/emergency services. So I don't tell them anymore, except my bro, he was the one who found and read my entire suicide note, told me and said if he says anything my freedom will be reduced to that of a prison inmate (it's close enough already), he kept it a secret. So I love my bro, and my parents. But my bro comes first because he's the only one trying to actually help. He's fully acknowledged that theres nothing he can do and it's my choice. Which fuels my SI far more than my mum getting all annoyed at my mental state. I literally hung up on her the other day for saying 'well you'll never make any friends like that', I said thanks! and hung up.

Dealing with family is a mission, are you an only child or do you have any siblings to talk to? That's the only ideas I have.
Anyway like others have said you are not worthless, your posts have helped me if that's anything. You didn't choose life, and as my family members have told me multiple times (re my failures), now you can choose, to do anything that pleases you. I doubt they are actively trying to hurt you, but I get that they are all the same. Happens to me too and if I call anyone out I'm the piece of s**t causing trouble and being unreasonable. It's hard man very hard.
edit sorry for the page of text lol

Awh I'm glad you have a good relationship with your brother! My brother and I used to be really close but since he moved out and got a girlfriend (they're now engaged) he doesn't have time for me and my sadness, which is understandable. And thanks for saying that, I really like being part of the SS community :)

 

[SpottedPanda]

I'm mostly open with the mental health team about my suicidal thoughts, and the planning I've done. They've relayed this to my mother, in less detail, so she knows I have 'suicidal thoughts' and feel suicidal, but other than telling her if I have or haven't recently been feeling that way, there's not much else I can say.

I don't want to get sectioned again, and I don't want to see my mother upset, even though I know my death will cause some temporary emotional pain, which I can only hope is relatively short lived, before she grieves and gets over it.

I haven't told my father. I didn't know him until age twenty five, and haven't seen him in years now. We care little for each other.

It's hard to say that I'm sure, and it's a conscious choice I'm making, to relatives, because that's so far removed from what they consider the human norm, they simply wouldn't accept it as an acceptable thing to be feeling, and either try and get me 'help', or simply dismiss it, as compassionately and tactfully as they could.