My only hope for recovery was ruined. My ctb plans are fully into action

[Worthless_nobody]

I have been suicidal most of my life and my one plan for recovery was ruined. For context it's devastating news about my housing situation. It is final now. Nothing can be done. My last hope at recovery is gone. I'm shocked and in disbelief life denied me a chance at recovery. And believe me I have tried everything...this house and my ideas for recovery that came with it was the only hope I had left. Others get so much blessings in life did I really need another set back when I wanted to live for my mom and wanted to wait and ctb later. I'm being forced out of life before I wanted to be. I just can't believe my last dream was crushed like this. It's like life is telling me to ctb I believe life is some sick game and the only way for me to beat the game is to stop playing it.

I am crying my eyes out how can I do this to everyone I love. I know my death will literally kill my mom but I cannot suffer anymore. I don't fault her for having me...she didn't know how shitty my life would be. I have been dealt an unbelievably shitty hand and have the worst luck possible. I'm just biding time and waiting till I'll be alone. Method has been ready and I'm finalizing my notes.

I have taken so many benzos and burned and cut myself to take out my frustrations. I don't know what to do. All I know is want out of life.

This is not an impulse decision. I have been planning suicide for years so this isn't an irrational decision for me. Please read my "about me" section to see the hell my life has been.

I know there is nothing I can do but I want to come up with something special for my loved ones to remember me by.

Anyone have any tips on how to properly leave notes/evidence for police detailing that my abusive ex is the one to pin blame for my suicide? NOT family and my husband. I want police to know it was my abusive ex who coerced me and literally told me I should kill myself I have screenshots of that. I guess police don't really look into suicides though. I just don't want them to make my family's and my husband's life hell when it was my ex who destroyed me. I have lots of evidence I'll leave of my ex's abuse and how he stole from me and literally told me to kill myself...with all the huge and I mean huge amount of evidence I have against my ex certainly that's enough?

Anyway I won't leave without a goodbye. Im just waiting till the time is right and I'm alone.

Edit: great I'm being watched closer now. Ugh I shouldn't have gotten so upset and got loved ones worried.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

i'm sorry you've been denied the chance of recovery. when you decide to go, i hope your journey is peaceful.

if you want something special for your loved ones to remember you by, you could always give them a gift. or if you have a talent/hobby - for example, crafts - you could give them a handmade gift.

 

[Spitfire]

That sounds nice to write a note or two, and be able to express whichever and whatever thoughts you ever desire!

I feel bad about this for you though, your situation how it effects you.. and hope for you peace.

 

[Ren Elsie Jewelria]

Hi, if you crave for revenge just send all the evidence you have to the police, public prosecutor's office, etc. , both online and printed stuff by post.
I don't think it will make you feel better when you're dead, but it's your choice. I do understand the urge for revenge.

 

[Good4Nothing]

I'm sorry life has been so cruel to you.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I'm curious, besides telling you to kill yourself, what did your ex actually do that is the impetus for doing so?

 

[Worthless_nobody]

Hi, if you crave for revenge just send all the evidence you have to the police, public prosecutor's office, etc. , both online and printed stuff by post.
I don't think it will make you feel better when you're dead, but it's your choice. I do understand the urge for revenge.

Not really revenge I just don't want people I love to be questioned in anyway accusatory way because they will be grieving enough and they only gave me love and kindness. I want my abusive ex to be "at fault" if there is going to be any investigation. I'm just too sensitive and I worry about how this will effect my family.

I'm curious, besides telling you to kill yourself, what did your ex actually do that is the impetus for doing so?

@GoodPersonEffed Forgive me I didn't quite understand your question but..I copied this from the "what was your worst relationship" thread but it tells all

He was a sociopath narcissist who physically, mentally and sexually abused me

He was a lying thief who stole thousands from me to buy drugs the night my dog died, then mocked her death. He also tried to steal my prescriptions numerous times.

He was a chronic cheater who lied time and time again. He had me looking for places to live while he was moving another bitch into his house.

He restrained me and raped me when I ran out of birth control. I got pregnant and I didn't have the heart to abort. My would be daughter died before birth and where was he while I was in hospital?.. Out cheating. I tried killing myself that night and he called me a stupid coward.

He constantly degraded me about my looks, body shamed me and forced me to "please him". He said all I was good for was sex.

He constantly put me in dangerous situations where my life was at risk.

Because of him and me helping him I lost my beloved home.

 

[Ren Elsie Jewelria]

Not really revenge I just don't want people I love to be questioned in anyway accusatory way because they will be grieving enough and they only gave me love and kindness. I want my abusive ex to be "at fault" if there is going to be any investigation. I'm just too sensitive and I worry about how this will effect my family.

OK, I get it. Then leave a note that your loved ones are not to blame and that it's your ex's fault. The police would really be interested if someone actually pushed/encouraged/helped you to commit suicide. They don't care about emotional blame, etc.

 

[Deleted member 22624]

Omg your ex is one of those. I wish he didn't make you feel like you have to take this path, it's not fair, I'm so sorry

 

[Worthless_nobody]

Omg your ex is one of those. I wish he didn't make you feel like you have to take this path, it's not fair, I'm so sorry

He is one of the most sick cruel people alive. And what's worse is on the outside he appears charming and Mr charismatic..like he is a good guy. But that's the danger of a sociopath narcissist...they hide who they really are until it's too late. Its too late for me but I hope he never ruins any other woman's life like he ruined mine.

 

[Deathbydemo]

I am so sorry for your situation. Your ex sounds like one of the worlds biggest pos there ever was.

 

[x~Sophia~x]

Raven moon, you now have a husband. How is that relationship? Is he supporting you? Does he know you are wanting to CTB? Why is your ex still ruining your life to this point?

 

[Worthless_nobody]

Raven moon, you now have a husband. How is that relationship? Is he supporting you? Does he know you are wanting to CTB? Why is your ex still ruining your life to this point?

My husband and I met this year right after I left my abuser for good. He married me out of pity to help me get health insurance because in US I could get none. He is a wonderful kind supportive person but the damage from trauma from my ex has been done. I feel scared to let on too much about my ctb plans... family is already worried about me. I lead no quality of life..I drag him down I'm a burden on him. I'm in physical pain, mental pain. Sometimes our pain just becomes too great. And in my note I will thank my husband for everything leave him all my belongings to sell and what little money I have. He is an amazing person and he deserves better than me.

It's complicated to explain why the ex has such a hold on my life except...trauma...I can't get over the trauma of the past. Plus my ex has since stalked me, sent death threats because he is mad I left him...I get no peace. Correct me if I'm wrong but I think people think that just because someone is loved is a reason to stay alive? I have been trying for a long time for my loved onrs and this recovery plan was with my husband. But the trauma is still there, my asperger's, borderline personality, anger issues, depression, anxiety, tinnitus, chronic pain to where I feel like I'm 70...it's all there. I wish love magically washed away trauma but sometimes a person is so broken not much can be done for them to want to live.

 

[x~Sophia~x]

Thank you for explaining your situation more clearly. I'm so sorry your ex has ruined your life to such an extent that you feel the only way to get some peace is to CTB. I hope your ex gets what he deserves... and I wish you the strength to do what you feel is the best for you

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

Aw, Raven Moon, I am so sorry.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

It's just so fucked up that these horrible, abusive pieces of shit get away with so much, but the people that they have hurt are the ones dying because they can't handle the trauma anymore. People like your ex are the ones that should be dead, not the other way around. I really wish you could have recovered from this, but I understand that it's not possible for everyone. I hope you can find peace soon, but it sucks that CTB seems to be the only way.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

It's just so fucked up that these horrible, abusive pieces of shit get away with so much, but the people that they have hurt are the ones dying because they can't handle the trauma anymore. People like your ex are the ones that should be dead, not the other way around. I really wish you could have recovered from this, but I understand that it's not possible for everyone. I hope you can find peace soon, but it sucks that CTB seems to be the only way.

It's always good kind people who seem to suffer the most it seems while the jerks, abusers and narcissistic people just keep on getting away with it and leading a good life. Life is just a fuvked up rigged system. My main regret was not turning my ex in to police. But at the time I wasn't on speaking terms with family, had no friends to help take me in and I would have been homeless if I had left him. I had been homeless before and it was a scary nightmare. I can't work to support myself sadly so I was stuck.

Thank you for your kind words.❤