Venting My OCD is actually making me insane.

[UnnervedCompany]

I'm too scared to go outside lest I hurt someone or act on my thoughts. I am losing my identity I am at a point were I don't even know who I am. I am avoiding certain songs, certain games certain books and ALL my friends. I am avoiding anything at all that can trigger it even the slightest amount. I am spending hours on hours everyday reading articles and watching videos related to the topic I feel like I am losing my head and I can't even function. HOLY SHIT this is miserable. Like I was doing fine for a couple days and this train literally hit me out of nowhere. I feel like shit cause I am afraid I lied to everyone regarding who I am and that the identity the OCD is giving me is the real one. Everyone is telling me the best way to handle OCD is just to function as you normally would. But how can you even do that when you are too afraid to go outside because your intrusive thoughts are telling you, you will rape someone. My arm became what I like to joke "Playing Sekiro but removing the deflecting feature" aka absolutely destroyed because of SH. This is so fucking brutal for no reason. It feels like my parents were so selfish giving birth to 4 children with those genes cause even my brother has OCD and he did the exact same behavior and thoughts as me. And this nagging thought is the worst that what if it isn't OCD. What if you actually are a monster you want to hurt someone. I want to CTB but when I mentioned it to my friend she almost started crying and panicking and she does not deserve me going with it at all. While I was typing that sentence I got an intrusive thought that I want to rape her for some reason. It does not rest at all this thing in my head does not take breaks and it feels like I am losing.

 

[Liammm]

I have OCD too. I have for a while. I would repeatedly sanitize any part of my body that was touched by a male. It was unclean in my mind. I also share the imposter syndrome. So many people tell me I am nice, even though I get those same thoughts about harming those I love and strangers. And also, I'd repeatedly check locks etc etc. but when I had a full meltdown, gender dysphoria really bad mixed with ocd being really bad that day I wasn't planning on it, but I was the closest I've ever been to CTB.

The absolute fucking hell that OCD can be. I simultaneously wanted to bleach my skin, tear it, and also obsessed over the thought that I didn't actually want to be a girl I was just a weird pervert who wanted to rape them. That on top of EVERYTHING being unclean... The floor, my home, even Including my skin and my insides.

I say that to say, it will get better. It will get worse. There will be days where we want to fucking peel our skin, and other days we doubt we have OCD. I don't have it genetically, so I am lucky to only have a taste compared to the fucking terror you must go through. I don't know if it will help, but what helped me is a slight coaxing of my thoughts. For example, I'd see my mom and an intrusive thought that I didn't like would pop up. Instead of punishing myself, I would just say "ew, no" in my brain and let it go. It never works on the first try. I always get stuck in a cycle, but it eventually pushes the thought away.

I'm not too sure if it will help, but I pray it does. OCD is hell. I'm sorry you have it too.

 

[NoPoint2Life]

I have horrible contamination OCD although I will say I have made a lot of progress in the past year due to erp therapy.
It is hell. I washed my hands constantly - still do that seems to be one thing I cannot get past at all- I used to follow my parents around with a sanitizing wipes and wipe everything that they touched. I had sores on my hands for almost a year from the sanitizing and had to eventually get treated at a wound center in the hospital.

When I started therapy, even I thought that OCD mostly consisted of contamination like me and tapping or counting things or keeping things organized. My therapist would give me examples of other clients-no names, of course- and I was horrified hearing at the different type of intrusive thoughts that can be somebody's OCD and completely ruin their life. There were several instances she told me about where people were afraid they would do something specific to harm other people. She pointed out that these people were the least likely to harm anyone unless it was some sort of freak coincidence accident, and that she would be comfortable leaving her children with any of them

I sympathize heavily with both of you @Liammm and @UnnervedCompany. I don't know how old you are, but my OCD only started developing in my 30s. That makes me even more frustrated because I think back to before then when I was completely normal and none of the stuff that bothers me now never bothered me before I never gave a second thought to any of it

I truly wish you the best of luck.

 

[MeowTheFlemishCat]

I have horrible contamination OCD although I will say I have made a lot of progress in the past year due to erp therapy.
It is hell. I washed my hands constantly - still do that seems to be one thing I cannot get past at all- I used to follow my parents around with a sanitizing wipes and wipe everything that they touched. I had sores on my hands for almost a year from the sanitizing and had to eventually get treated at a wound center in the hospital.

When I started therapy, even I thought that OCD mostly consisted of contamination like me and tapping or counting things or keeping things organized. My therapist would give me examples of other clients-no names, of course- and I was horrified hearing at the different type of intrusive thoughts that can be somebody's OCD and completely ruin their life. There were several instances she told me about where people were afraid they would do something specific to harm other people. She pointed out that these people were the least likely to harm anyone unless it was some sort of freak coincidence accident, and that she would be comfortable leaving her children with any of them

I sympathize heavily with both of you @Liammm and @UnnervedCompany. I don't know how old you are, but my OCD only started developing in my 30s. That makes me even more frustrated because I think back to before then when I was completely normal and none of the stuff that bothers me now never bothered me before I never gave a second thought to any of it

I truly wish you the best of luck.

I'm getting euthanized and a big reason is the OCD. I'm 26 and it went chronic 30/10/2014.