Venting My most traumatic experience is impossible for anyone to take seriously

[RosebyAnyName]

When I was a kid, another boy asked me if he could touch my breasts. We were both maybe 6-7 years old / the same age. I was too afraid to say no, so I said yes. Afterwards I felt so disgusted with myself that I cried the rest of the night. It still paralyzes me to this day.

Everyone I've told, including family, friends, and medical professionals / therapists, reacted stupidly or minimized it. "He just liked you," "it's just playing doctor," "what he did was normal and your reaction was abnormal," "why would he wanted to touch your breasts? You were a kid, you didn't have breasts that young." I even saw a similar story online, and everyone sided with the boy and said the girl was delusional / crazy for being upset and that "she's overreacting" and "she just had a lot of healing to do."

I feel like I was sexually assaulted, I hate my body, I don't trust anyone, I don't even trust my own judgement anymore, I have entire hours, days, sometimes weeks where I'm just paralyzed thinking about it, and nobody gives a shit. I'm not even allowed to hate him for putting me in that situation because he was also a child and I said yes, and the consensus I've heard for that type of situation is that he's absolved of all responsibility. It literally was 100% my fault so I have nobody to blame but myself. I hate myself for this, and it feels like I'm the only one stupid enough to have made a decision like that.

Nobody irl has ever taken me seriously. I don't get to have people tell me "it's not my fault" like in cases of actual sexual assault because it really is my fault, or that "my feelings matter" because they actually don't, or that "I did the best I could in that situation" because I didn't. All of my suffering is my own fault and I just can't take the shame and guilt anymore. I know if I ever told anyone else, they'd just side with the boy and think I'm stupid. I don't even side with myself anymore, I'm just a stupid female and I deserve to be hurt by men because I'm dumb.

 

[Arahant]

I read this.
I imagined being in your situation.
I felt the revolt, anger and confusion afterward.

Your suffering matters to me.
I went through similar things.
You never deserved that, and I feel genuinely sorry that it happened to you.

If you feel it would be good for you, I want to give you space to vent further.
I don't know if it would be right for you or not, but some feel that it does.
I am very tired and might not reply for a while, but I will be listening and you wont be alone with this anymore.

May there come a day soon for you, where it feels like none of this ever happened.
add: I have rambled about the Flash technique for PTSD before, and will do again if you want to know how effective trauma healing can work.

 

[RosebyAnyName]

If you feel it would be good for you, I want to give you space to vent further.

I think I just wish there was an easier answer than "it's my fault." I want to believe he just did something bad to me, but everyone insists that he just didn't know. I want to believe it was the fault of the adults in my life for not protecting me, but they weren't around at the time. I want to believe that society is at fault for not doing a better job at helping me stand up for myself, but that's kind of a ridiculous thing to expect, and other kids didn't seem to have the same issues with autonomy compared to me.

I guess the most frustrating part is sometimes it feels like, for every time I was taught about stranger danger and "just say no" and all that, I was taught a hundred other times from my parents and teachers, and from the media's depictions of girls, to always accommodate others. I remember being young and feeling like maintaining boundaries was too difficult and not worth the arguments it caused.

add: I have rambled about the Flash technique for PTSD before, and will do again if you want to know how effective trauma healing can work.

I'm interested.

Right now I'm also considering EMDR because talk therapy and CBT has been ineffective.

 

[divinemistress36]

Look into emdr for sure its suppose to be very effective for trauma

 

[CatLvr]

I think I just wish there was an easier answer than "it's my fault." I want to believe he just did something bad to me, but everyone insists that he just didn't know. I want to believe it was the fault of the adults in my life for not protecting me, but they weren't around at the time. I want to believe that society is at fault for not doing a better job at helping me stand up for myself, but that's kind of a ridiculous thing to expect, and other kids didn't seem to have the same issues with autonomy compared to me.

I guess the most frustrating part is sometimes it feels like, for every time I was taught about stranger danger and "just say no" and all that, I was taught a hundred other times from my parents and teachers, and from the media's depictions of girls, to always accommodate others. I remember being young and feeling like maintaining boundaries was too difficult and not worth the arguments it caused.


I'm interested.

Right now I'm also considering EMDR because talk therapy and CBT has been ineffective.

You are not alone. I hope the EMDR works for you.

 

[notprettyenough]

It's not your fault, he might have been a kid, but he should have never asked that, it's still wrong & creepy and he cleary had a bad home life to be acting like that at 6.

You are not dumb and it's not your fault, you were a child who didn't understand and you are a victim, doesn't matter if the perpetrator was aware if it was wrong or not. You were in a pressuring situation, and you were wayyy wayy to young to consent.

You're not a dumb female, you're a woman who had a bad SA at a very young age, you don't deserve to be treated badly by men. It was wrong of that kid to do that, he might also be a victim and not know better, but he was wrong for it.

I can feel the pain and anger when I hear this story, trust me you're not over reacting, there's lots of therapists who are comforting and understanding of trauma, and they dont dismiss it.

 

[etherealgoddess]

When I was a kid, another boy asked me if he could touch my breasts. We were both maybe 6-7 years old / the same age. I was too afraid to say no, so I said yes. Afterwards I felt so disgusted with myself that I cried the rest of the night. It still paralyzes me to this day.

Everyone I've told, including family, friends, and medical professionals / therapists, reacted stupidly or minimized it. "He just liked you," "it's just playing doctor," "what he did was normal and your reaction was abnormal," "why would he wanted to touch your breasts? You were a kid, you didn't have breasts that young." I even saw a similar story online, and everyone sided with the boy and said the girl was delusional / crazy for being upset and that "she's overreacting" and "she just had a lot of healing to do."

I feel like I was sexually assaulted, I hate my body, I don't trust anyone, I don't even trust my own judgement anymore, I have entire hours, days, sometimes weeks where I'm just paralyzed thinking about it, and nobody gives a shit. I'm not even allowed to hate him for putting me in that situation because he was also a child and I said yes, and the consensus I've heard for that type of situation is that he's absolved of all responsibility. It literally was 100% my fault so I have nobody to blame but myself. I hate myself for this, and it feels like I'm the only one stupid enough to have made a decision like that.

Nobody irl has ever taken me seriously. I don't get to have people tell me "it's not my fault" like in cases of actual sexual assault because it really is my fault, or that "my feelings matter" because they actually don't, or that "I did the best I could in that situation" because I didn't. All of my suffering is my own fault and I just can't take the shame and guilt anymore. I know if I ever told anyone else, they'd just side with the boy and think I'm stupid. I don't even side with myself anymore, I'm just a stupid female and I deserve to be hurt by men because I'm dumb.

I want to say that you are not alone. I also had a situation that seems small on the outside but traumatized for years giving paralyzing panic attacks. I literally would feel like I was going to die every time I had a panic attack. You're not alone. And your feelings are valid and important. You do not need to read stories and find people who understand how you feel to know your feelings are worthy and valid. They already are. <3 I take it seriously. I get it.

I had that thing too where I thought that my life should have been more traumatizing for me to be feeling this way, but that's not how trauma works. Trauma has two sides: your physical body/mind/brain and the experience itself. We might just happen to have a physical body/mind/brain that is more susceptible to trauma. That still makes our trauma very valid. Someone isn't stronger for just happening to be born with a better physical body/mind/brain that doesn't get traumatized as easily. It doesn't mean that there is something wrong with US. If others had our body/mind/experiences, they would react the exact same. Our reactions are normal and valid. The first thing we need to do is give ourselves some self love. We have these wacko brains and bodies. The last thing we need to do is shame ourselves. <3

 

[Arahant]

I think I just wish there was an easier answer than "it's my fault." I want to believe he just did something bad to me, but everyone insists that he just didn't know. I want to believe it was the fault of the adults in my life for not protecting me, but they weren't around at the time. I want to believe that society is at fault for not doing a better job at helping me stand up for myself, but that's kind of a ridiculous thing to expect, and other kids didn't seem to have the same issues with autonomy compared to me.

I guess the most frustrating part is sometimes it feels like, for every time I was taught about stranger danger and "just say no" and all that, I was taught a hundred other times from my parents and teachers, and from the media's depictions of girls, to always accommodate others. I remember being young and feeling like maintaining boundaries was too difficult and not worth the arguments it caused.


I'm interested.

Right now I'm also considering EMDR because talk therapy and CBT has been ineffective.

Of all the accounts I have heard of traumas, what you describe feeling and believing is so consistent.
Feeling like it's my fault, shifting the blame, seeking help from people who are ill equipped to really "reach" the pain and undo it...

In my own experience, the weirdest thing is, all those beliefs and thoughts can shift around on their own when the underlying pain is gone.
It's a conundrum like the chicken or egg; is it the beliefs causing the feelings, or the feelings causing the beliefs?

Have done a few hundred hours of EMDR. I can vouch that it does work.
Major caveat being, it works as well as you are able to feel safe and/or trust a skilled provider to guide you.
This can be circumvented somewhat with the Flash technique (which was invented by an EMDR master).

Flash is incredibly safe, easy and pleasant compared to standard protocol EMDR (which can cause serious retraumatization if done poorly without guidance).
Flash is what EMTs learn some places in the world, to treat emergent psychological shock traumas.

You can try it online and experience that it does move your perception of distress around the trauma from say 9/10 to 6/10 in 10 minutes. Knowing that, you have proof you can heal. Knowing it's not permanent can do wonders for mental health.

 

[spiritualvirgin]

When I was a kid, another boy asked me if he could touch my breasts. We were both maybe 6-7 years old / the same age. I was too afraid to say no, so I said yes. Afterwards I felt so disgusted with myself that I cried the rest of the night. It still paralyzes me to this day.

Everyone I've told, including family, friends, and medical professionals / therapists, reacted stupidly or minimized it. "He just liked you," "it's just playing doctor," "what he did was normal and your reaction was abnormal," "why would he wanted to touch your breasts? You were a kid, you didn't have breasts that young." I even saw a similar story online, and everyone sided with the boy and said the girl was delusional / crazy for being upset and that "she's overreacting" and "she just had a lot of healing to do."

I feel like I was sexually assaulted, I hate my body, I don't trust anyone, I don't even trust my own judgement anymore, I have entire hours, days, sometimes weeks where I'm just paralyzed thinking about it, and nobody gives a shit. I'm not even allowed to hate him for putting me in that situation because he was also a child and I said yes, and the consensus I've heard for that type of situation is that he's absolved of all responsibility. It literally was 100% my fault so I have nobody to blame but myself. I hate myself for this, and it feels like I'm the only one stupid enough to have made a decision like that.

Nobody irl has ever taken me seriously. I don't get to have people tell me "it's not my fault" like in cases of actual sexual assault because it really is my fault, or that "my feelings matter" because they actually don't, or that "I did the best I could in that situation" because I didn't. All of my suffering is my own fault and I just can't take the shame and guilt anymore. I know if I ever told anyone else, they'd just side with the boy and think I'm stupid. I don't even side with myself anymore, I'm just a stupid female and I deserve to be hurt by men because I'm dumb.

first of all i'm so sorry that this happened to you. i am a survivor of sexual assault and rape myself and i'm so sorry to hear how insensitive people around you have treated you. to me what you're describing is a case of sexual assault, even if it's not the childs fault because children don't have that kind of awareness yet, the child grew up in a deeply patriarchal society, where sexual assault is way to normalized and children sometimes reproduce this kind of behavior. i understand that you feel like you can't be mad at a child who didn't know what they were doing, but you definitely can be mad at the circumstances under which children reproduce assaultive behavior. when i experienced sexual assault i was 11 years old and one of the scariest things, in the years after it happened was, that i was sexualized when i didn't even know what sexuality really meant yet. it felt like my body was "put in its place" as an (worthless) sexobject and that before i could develop a healthy relationship to my body myself, i suffered from that alot and i'm so sorry to see that people talked down on you when you talked about your experience with being sexualized as a child. nobody should be sexualized as a child, no matter if the person doing it is doing it consciously or not. besides that, you were also a child, of course you didn't know what to do.
i hope you will recover from it, even if it's hard and can take a long time. thank you for sharing your story and it's not your fault <3