Story My most recent suicide attempt.

[feast or famine]

So I've tried to bite the dust a total of 4 times. 2 overdose attempts which lead to me just vomiting and hallucinating and 2 bridge jumps. The first bridge jump was only 25 ft into water. MY SI kicked in and I got to the shore. This brings me to the most recent bridge jump which was nearly 2 months ago.

I drove to the interstate and pulled up to the side. I had a backpack full of heavy items which I was using to help me drown. I went back and forth a few times before I took the plunge. The height this time was 100 ft. It was stormy in the early evening, so I figured I'd go unnoticed. As I was falling, I went unconscious. I don't remember hitting the water. When I awoke, I was floating. I believe the backpack I was wearing acted as a life jacket of sorts. Unbeknownst to me, there were cameras all around the bridge. This alerted the rescue team to what had happened. So they headed my way not too long after I woke up in the water.

I was then lifted into the boat and taken to a trauma one hospital. I barely remember any of this. I do remember the team saying they have to get moving as I was struggling to breathe, I thought that I wasn't going to make it. My blood pressure when I arrived to the ER was 80/30. I could barely move so I honestly thought I had paralyzed myself. I ended up fracturing several ribs and bones in my back that luckily didn't affect my spinal cord. I had a bruised/collapsed lung which is why I was struggling to breathe. I also had fluid around my heart and lungs as well as insane bruising everywhere.

I spent a week in the hospital, then I was transferred to psych for 3 weeks. I got home 3 weeks ago and I have mixed feelings. Many people such as the doctors and nurses have told me it's a "miracle" nothing worse happened to me such as death or becoming paralyzed. I'm grateful I was able to recover fully, but I also feel selfish because I'm already planning my next attempt (SN) and this time it has to work or I will likely be committed for a very long time. Sometimes I wonder if there was something greater looking out for me or if it was just a matter of certain circumstances. I also wonder if this is another chance or if the joke really is on me because damn, I didn't think suicide would be so hard to accomplish which leads me to think am I not supposed to go that way, or do I just need to be better informed and more methodical in my planning.

In any case, searching for methods led me here and I've been lurking around and reading a lot. I guess a part of me wanted to share this because there's really no other safe place to share such personal details without being judged. To anyone that read to this point, thank you for listening to me ramble.

 

[falloutcarter13]

Thank you so much for sharing this story...its so similar to mine in many ways. I've had the thought that I'm "not allowed to die" many times before, I've survived way too many things including sincere ctb attempts. So while I'm extremely sorry you've gone through all of this, I felt connected to you while I was reading it. I wish you luck with wherever your path takes you next, and I hope you find the peace you're looking for.

 

[esse_est_percipi]

Thanks for sharing.
I don't think you need to feel selfish about planning ctb. Most things people do every day are 'selfish'. If anything, suicide is a less selfish act than most other things, because with suicide you are destroying the self, so it cannot be 'selfish' in the normal sense.

I think the methods you used previously were a bit unreliable, which is why you didn't ctb.

 

[socrates]

You have guts, jumping off a bridge twice, that's hard core! It sounds like you have more thinking to do. I need to do that too. And your not selfish for choosing what happens to your own body. The whole suicide is selfish stuff is stupid, and counterproductive if you want to talk them out of suicide.

 

[feast or famine]

You have guts, jumping off a bridge twice, that's hard core! It sounds like you have more thinking to do. I need to do that too. And your not selfish for choosing what happens to your own body. The whole suicide is selfish stuff is stupid, and counterproductive if you want to talk them out of suicide.

Thanks for your reply. The bridge jumping was a method I was against as I terrified of drowning, but I was in such despair both times, I wasn't thinking about the pain.

I agree with you. I, myself, have never thought of suicide as a selfish act, it's actually quite brave, in my opinion. The people who say that are likely lucky enough to have never dealt with such severe depression and suicidal thoughts.

 

[falloutcarter13]

Thanks for your reply. The bridge jumping was a method I was against as I terrified of drowning, but I was in such despair both times, I wasn't thinking about the pain.

I agree with you. I, myself, have never thought of suicide as a selfish act, it's actually quite brave, in my opinion. The people who say that are likely lucky enough to have never dealt with such severe depression and suicidal thoughts.

Said it before here, but people who say that suicide is weak, cowardly, or selfish...well, whoever says that clearly does not understand depression or experience despair or hopelessness to the same degree we do.

I settled on SN as my next (and last, please...last) method. Matter of fact, my bottle just arrived today. I keep taking it out of my desk and holding it for comfort, and to re-read the label to make sure I've got the right stuff lol. Musta done this 20 times already today. That bit made me feel even more connected with you.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear about the ordeals that you have been through. I hope you will be able to find peace in the future and yes, this community has been great to me as well, listening without judgment and respecting one's choice whether it is to continue fighting in this hellish existence or finding peace through death.

 

[TheSkyIsBlue]

That must've been awful. I failed "only" once, but I can understand. I wish you luck.

 

[feast or famine]

Said it before here, but people who say that suicide is weak, cowardly, or selfish...well, whoever says that clearly does not understand depression or experience despair or hopelessness to the same degree we do.

I settled on SN as my next (and last, please...last) method. Matter of fact, my bottle just arrived today. I keep taking it out of my desk and holding it for comfort, and to re-read the label to make sure I've got the right stuff lol. Musta done this 20 times already today. That bit made me feel even more connected with you.

Yes, exactly. Those people definitely don't get it. They're ignorant. It's good that having the SN brings you comfort. Sometimes we need that peace of mind. I hope everything works out with you, whenever you decide. Based on how you described your SN in one of your posts, I think we may have the same kind. I'm currently in the process of getting meto.

 

[falloutcarter13]

Yes, exactly. Those people definitely don't get it. They're ignorant. It's good that having the SN brings you comfort. Sometimes we need that peace of mind. I hope everything works out with you, whenever you decide. Based on how you described your SN in one of your posts, I think we may have the same kind. I'm currently in the process of getting meto.

How are you going about getting the meto, are you in the US as well? Not looking for any actual sourcing info here, just curious as to what method you're using to get it (online pharmacy, dr visit, etc) I don't even know how one would obtain it, and I probably wouldn't be able to get any even if I did...but it'd still be good to know =)

 

[Meditation guide]

2 overdose attempts

May I ask on what?

 

[feast or famine]

May I ask on what?

A bunch of different sleeping/anxiety meds that I was prescribed at the time. I don't really remember what they were because those attempts were a decade ago.

How are you going about getting the meto, are you in the US as well? Not looking for any actual sourcing info here, just curious as to what method you're using to get it (online pharmacy, dr visit, etc) I don't even know how one would obtain it, and I probably wouldn't be able to get any even if I did...but it'd still be good to know =)

Yep, I'm in the US. I found a few online pharmacies that ship to the US. As for the quality of the pills, who knows, that remains to be seen. But it's the only other option aside from seeing a doctor and I'm currently trying to keep a low profile with medical professionals. Anything even remotely suspicious draws attention to me based on my history.