my mom's going to start harassing me about enrolling in college if i don't go back this month

[monetpompo]

i don't care about getting a degree and i would probably just be doing online school again because my dad is working and my sister and me still can't drive. i still can't do in person and i can't get along with most of the people there. a kid younger than me by 2 years has his last semester this january. it makes me feel like i'm burning up inside. he has a nice family that believes in him, hobbies, friends, and i didn't even like talking to him that much, but i got sad when he told me he was leaving because it meant that he'd be off doing better things while i was still here. even though he's supposed to be younger than me. it's really pathetic for me to be jealous of him just having a happier life than me.

i have a closer friend that's older than me that started attending his university far away and landed an apartment with his parents' help. he met his boyfriend in his second semester. whenever i talk to him i have the unbearable urge to start crying because i want to be more like him and less like me. i know he's worried about me killing myself because i talk about how sad my life makes me and how pointless it all feels in comparison to his. i have him blocked right now because i'm making more steps towards killing myself and i'll probably be doing it very soon.

i don't like my family, my house, myself, or anything about me to see any point in living anymore. i don't think i can keep living life as myself if other people are always doing better than me while i get stressed and anxious over everything, even situations i make up in my head when i have nothing to be stressed about. i'm sick of my mom breathing down my neck and how my sister doesn't realize how shitty and empty my life is while she has it better than me. even if she still has things to be depressed about, she's still going to university and she's still someone people make an effort to hang out with and be around while i'm alone most days because most of my friends don't know me well or don't have driver's licenses.

i'm really sick of being told to be optimistic when the people that are supposed to be supporting me are just constantly disappointed in me or asking me questions about the progress i should be making. when i tried to look for a piano teacher and when i tried to learn how to drive my mom just kept on asking me over and over multiple times a day if i had found someone to teach me piano and if i had learned how to drive yet after doing multiple lessons. even my sister told me that it only took her boyfriend 3 lessons to learn how to drive, when it's obvious that neither of us have learned how to drive and it's still dangerous for us to be on the road by ourselves. in november i told a piano teacher i was worried that me taking piano lessons would never amount to anything and my parents would be disappointed in me. i was planning on killing myself in december around that time.

my parents really don't care about me at all. they just don't want to pay for my hospital bill again if i get a wellness check or get caught trying to kill myself, so i'm going to do my best to succeed with fsh so that they aren't burdened. they don't care about when i'm actively suicidal because they'll just find it annoying or tell me i'll go to hell if i do it. i don't care if they think i'll go to hell. if thinking that makes them happy or aligns with their religion, then i'll let them think that i'm burning in hell for eternity and then make a post on facebook about how their stupid daughter will never be allowed in heaven. that's all i'll ever amount to in their eyes. my sister told me herself that she thinks they wouldn't care because they wouldn't hold themsleves accountable.