Venting My mom's death

[sadsamantha]

My mom killed herself when I was 4 years old. She was a drug addict in recovery like I am at the time of her death. She had just been released from jail and was living with my grandma. We had all been at a soccer game and my grandma caught mom stealing pills from a stranger's purse. This upset my grandma a lot. She decided that she was going to kick my mom out of her house, but she wanted to wait until she had "cooled off" first. So, after the soccer game, she took my mom back to her house and then went and spent the night with a friend. When she came home the next morning, she found my mom hanging in her basement. I have tried hanging multiple times. I figure if she could go through with it when she had a child who needed her, then I can go through with it when I don't have anybody that needs me. But I back out every single time, even though I don't want to be here. I will never understand.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Sorry about your mom and your situation that has brought you to this point. Honestly, to me, it sounds like you still want to live, still have hope of something getting better for yourself. I think that's usually why people back out, even though they feel with every ounce of their being that they truly want to go. You still have hope anchoring you here. That's not a bad thing. Obviously, times must be bad in your life if you're wanting to off yourself. Somewhere though, maybe somewhere in the back of your subconscious, you still have that sliver of hope that maybe things can get better. You probably just need to live for the time being, as best you can, and see if things can get better. If they don't, that hope thing keeping you here will die off a little more as time goes on. You can revisit the idea of ctb anytime you want. It will always be there for you when the last light of hope leaves.

 

[FuneralCry]

After all hanging is a difficult method actually to go through with, at least it seems that way to me. I've never attempted personally as I would fear the attempt somehow going wrong and just leading to more suffering inevitably being experienced. It really does make hanging sound so much easier than it actually is when you hear of all these people succeeding with it. But I'm sorry that you are struggling, it really is such a cruel existence.

 

[LookAway]

This is terrible. It hurts to read this. Sorry you had to go through that.