BabyBirch
Member
- Jul 21, 2020
- 9
On June 7th, the police woke me and my boyfriend up and told me that that my mom was "found near the train station". They made it sound like she jumped in front of the train- but really, what they meant was that she jumped from the tenth story of an unsecured parking deck adjacent to the train station.
My boyfriend was just visiting. I was living with my mother due to chronic illness. I am now 200 miles away- in less than two months I have had to donate, discard or crowdfund for emergency storage costs and moving expenses. She left no discernible directions- but she did leave a lot of fucking horrifying presents for me to find while I packed up her apartment.
When I came back from the police station with her personal items, an Amazon package arrived for her.
A packet of caster beans and two black & decker electric carving knives.
I started frantically searching her e-mail (which she insisted on always keeping logged in on Safari on my laptop, since she was afraid she'd get locked out) and realized she reset her pw for here the same day as the purchase date for the beans. She mentioned all of these methodologies here.
But the might horrifying one was the chainsaw.
I thought it was insane ideation, but it made no sense- she had enough Propanalol stockpiled to kill four grown adults. I had to dispose of it with medication dissolving bags from the pharmacy.
And then I tried to sort Mommy's shoes to donate, and I kept bumping into this box- and found a fucking EarthWise electric chainsaw postmarked two days before she jumped.
I don't understand. She went from looking up painless, undetectable methods to shit so crazy SS members were concerned. Less than two years before she CTB'd, my brother tried to kill her and I saved her life. My biggest trauma was almost seeing my mother killed before my very eyes. She did it exactly a week before the two year anniversary.
I loved her more than anyone in this world. I fought so hard through any ideation no matter how sick I was- at times I had severe neurological impairment. Motor impairment. She took care of me. I have a disease where the biggest cause of death is suicide due to an unlivably poor quality of life. And now the person who told me she would never, leave me sick and alone, did exactly that- and left me in the blast zone.
Nobody else came to the apartment after she died except my friends to help pick up donations, pack, and move. I had to crowdfund because she was in poor financial shape (what drove her to suicide).
But now I'm sick and alone and I don't have a mommy. Why did she leave all of those scary things for me to find? I've thought about killing myself a million times but never in the gruesome manner- that also frankly didn't make any fuckinf sense- that she did. And I would have found her. I honestly want to thank the people who talked her out of the chainsaw- I would have probably killed myself right there and then if I found her like that. Especially with the pandemic I was extra protectful of her, and kept telling her I loved her and needed her. She told me if anything ever happened to me it would be the end of her. So how the fuck am I supposed to feel? She did not take care of ANY of her affairs- putting a huge burden on me in the deepest grief. I am living with strangers in the first place that could take me, but I have no car and no health insurance. I was the only person to be immediately displaced by her death. Every night I think about the chainsaw. How she said as long as she loved me I never needed to worry about her going anywhere. Did she not love me anymore? It feels like she did everything she could to leave caltrops of trauma for me for me to unearth.
The rock she described being on her chest had rolled over onto me. I'm trying to fight it because I have wonderful friends who moved heaven and earth for me to do this move during COVID- but I resent her for putting me in so many horrific positions in the wake of her death.
A fucking chainsaw, man.
My boyfriend was just visiting. I was living with my mother due to chronic illness. I am now 200 miles away- in less than two months I have had to donate, discard or crowdfund for emergency storage costs and moving expenses. She left no discernible directions- but she did leave a lot of fucking horrifying presents for me to find while I packed up her apartment.
When I came back from the police station with her personal items, an Amazon package arrived for her.
A packet of caster beans and two black & decker electric carving knives.
I started frantically searching her e-mail (which she insisted on always keeping logged in on Safari on my laptop, since she was afraid she'd get locked out) and realized she reset her pw for here the same day as the purchase date for the beans. She mentioned all of these methodologies here.
But the might horrifying one was the chainsaw.
I thought it was insane ideation, but it made no sense- she had enough Propanalol stockpiled to kill four grown adults. I had to dispose of it with medication dissolving bags from the pharmacy.
And then I tried to sort Mommy's shoes to donate, and I kept bumping into this box- and found a fucking EarthWise electric chainsaw postmarked two days before she jumped.
I don't understand. She went from looking up painless, undetectable methods to shit so crazy SS members were concerned. Less than two years before she CTB'd, my brother tried to kill her and I saved her life. My biggest trauma was almost seeing my mother killed before my very eyes. She did it exactly a week before the two year anniversary.
I loved her more than anyone in this world. I fought so hard through any ideation no matter how sick I was- at times I had severe neurological impairment. Motor impairment. She took care of me. I have a disease where the biggest cause of death is suicide due to an unlivably poor quality of life. And now the person who told me she would never, leave me sick and alone, did exactly that- and left me in the blast zone.
Nobody else came to the apartment after she died except my friends to help pick up donations, pack, and move. I had to crowdfund because she was in poor financial shape (what drove her to suicide).
But now I'm sick and alone and I don't have a mommy. Why did she leave all of those scary things for me to find? I've thought about killing myself a million times but never in the gruesome manner- that also frankly didn't make any fuckinf sense- that she did. And I would have found her. I honestly want to thank the people who talked her out of the chainsaw- I would have probably killed myself right there and then if I found her like that. Especially with the pandemic I was extra protectful of her, and kept telling her I loved her and needed her. She told me if anything ever happened to me it would be the end of her. So how the fuck am I supposed to feel? She did not take care of ANY of her affairs- putting a huge burden on me in the deepest grief. I am living with strangers in the first place that could take me, but I have no car and no health insurance. I was the only person to be immediately displaced by her death. Every night I think about the chainsaw. How she said as long as she loved me I never needed to worry about her going anywhere. Did she not love me anymore? It feels like she did everything she could to leave caltrops of trauma for me for me to unearth.
The rock she described being on her chest had rolled over onto me. I'm trying to fight it because I have wonderful friends who moved heaven and earth for me to do this move during COVID- but I resent her for putting me in so many horrific positions in the wake of her death.
A fucking chainsaw, man.
