Venting My mom is making assumptions and trying to guilt trip me

[Rue89]

I finally had to tell my mom about how my anxiety has gotten way worse. There was no way around it. Now she's making assumptions. She's assuming I must be depressed again too. Its true but not to the extent she's thinking. I told her so but I have a feeling she doesn't really believe me. She asked if I'm cutting again. I said no which is technically true. I did a few times a few months ago but stopped. I don't think she needs to know about that. Again I don't think she really believes me. Then she asked if I'm thinking about suicide. I said no, which is a big fat lie. She definitely doesn't believe me. She said there's a difference between just thinking that I want to die and actually planning to do it, and it's ok if I'm only thinking it. She won't send me to the psych ward. That's bullshit. She must not be too overly worried because I'm still left alone for 8+ hours a day Mon-Fri while she's at work. But she won't leave me home alone for a whole weekend. She had wanted to visit her parents and I said I wasn't going, using the excuse that there was a pokemon go event that I didn't want to miss out on. She refused to go without me. This wasn't the main reason I didn't want to go. Last time I visited my grandparents I had a bad anxiety attack, and I'm sure it will happen again. I know this because of many prior experiences. If it happened once in a certain situation it will happen again in another same/similar situation. Since then this has been a worry of mine. But now that's not the only reason I don't want to go. A weekend alone would be the perfect time to CTB (of course exactly what my mom is afraid of, but whatever). If she did go without me I still likely wouldn't be totally alone the whole time. My brother probably wouldn't go with mom, but between his work and friends I don't see him much on the weekends, so it should be fine. I know my mom has no clue about my plans. She would definitely say so if she did. I'm a good liar when it comes to this stuff. But I've lied to her too many times in the past and trusted the wrong people who broke my confidence so she knows. So now she doesn't trust me because of that.

But it's not only that my mom doesn't trust me. She's also trying to guilt trip me. She has told me multiple times that if I kill myself she will too. Wtf, way to make me feel like a shitty person. Well I've (mostly) gotten over any guilt. I've decided it's time to think about myself and put me first. I don't think CTB is selfish. I think expecting someone who is in so much pain to stick around just for you is selfish. It's not that I don't care. I just think it's time to think about what's best for me. Or am I wrong? Does that make me a bad person?

 

[smile418]

You are definitely not a bad person. It's nice think about your mother but at the end of the day everybody is responsible for their own actions.
I am sorry to tell you this but the fact that she is guilt tripping you means that she cares more about herself than you.

It sounds to me though that you are in a very early stage of your life where a lot can change. If you can wait it out a little more I would but If you are really certain in your decision I will support you as well.

[PS: Why did you have to tell your mother about your anxiety getting worse especially if you do not trust her? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to of course.]

 

[S1mpleme]

What if she really wants to kill herself cause of you? I think nobody knows better than you what to do in your situation, you know yourself and know your mom.

 

[k75]

You aren't a bad person. But I think your mom loves you very much. I know it feels like an awful thing from your perspective, but she's being a responsible parent, looking out for you and trying to keep you safe. She probably feels really scared for you, but doesn't know what to do. She has no real control over your actions and doesn't want to suffocate you at the same time. You have to give her credit for that.

I do think she shouldn't have said she'd kill herself too. But she's only human. She is afraid of losing you. I know that feeling well. She was probably feeling desperate for a way to get through to you. I'm guilty of something similar. It was just a gut reaction. When my son was threatening to kill himself, I told him I didn't think I could live without him. I didn't even think about it, the words just came out. So maybe it was the same for her. Maybe all it meant was she loves you and really doesn't want to lose you, and she didn't maliciously trying to guilt trip you.

Maybe I'm completely wrong. But that's the impression I got.

 

[teddybear1403]

I know the feeling of telling the wrong person you trust important things and it ends up where your mom knows about it, it really broke me and gave me a hard time to try and trust people. My mom said she'd lock me up even if it takes drugging me, and then shutting me away from the rest of the world, so I just decided that I should be responsible for what happens to my life. Right now I'm keeping to myself and really letting myself be vulnerable to you guys, (but it seems to me that you're all wonderful people who just got mistreated) I hope we all find happiness soon and go to a place where the pain is no more. Hugs to everyone

 

[Rue89]

You are definitely not a bad person. It's nice think about your mother but at the end of the day everybody is responsible for their own actions.
I am sorry to tell you this but the fact that she is guilt tripping you means that she cares more about herself than you.

It sounds to me though that you are in a very early stage of your life where a lot can change. If you can wait it out a little more I would but If you are really certain in your decision I will support you as well.

[PS: Why did you have to tell your mother about your anxiety getting worse especially if you do not trust her? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to of course.]

Thank you. Your support means a lot. I didn't really have any choice but to tell my mom. One night I was stupid and took a double dose of benadryl and I woke up feeling awful. I ended up leaving the house when I heard my mom get up so she wouldn't see me. By the time she got home from work I was feeling better but not 100%. My anxiety started to spike. Then my mom reminded me that our hairdresser was coming soon to give us haircuts. I pretty much lost it. I don't remember what I said but then I ran to my room and stayed there the rest of the night. So the next day of course my mom asked what happened. I knew if I refused to talk she would definitely assume the worst. I was also afraid she'd analyze my behavior from the night before and suspect I took something. I figured admitting to my anxiety was the lesser of evils. At least this way I still have most of my freedom.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

I finally had to tell my mom about how my anxiety has gotten way worse. There was no way around it. Now she's making assumptions. She's assuming I must be depressed again too. Its true but not to the extent she's thinking. I told her so but I have a feeling she doesn't really believe me. She asked if I'm cutting again. I said no which is technically true. I did a few times a few months ago but stopped. I don't think she needs to know about that. Again I don't think she really believes me. Then she asked if I'm thinking about suicide. I said no, which is a big fat lie. She definitely doesn't believe me. She said there's a difference between just thinking that I want to die and actually planning to do it, and it's ok if I'm only thinking it. She won't send me to the psych ward. That's bullshit. She must not be too overly worried because I'm still left alone for 8+ hours a day Mon-Fri while she's at work. But she won't leave me home alone for a whole weekend. She had wanted to visit her parents and I said I wasn't going, using the excuse that there was a pokemon go event that I didn't want to miss out on. She refused to go without me. This wasn't the main reason I didn't want to go. Last time I visited my grandparents I had a bad anxiety attack, and I'm sure it will happen again. I know this because of many prior experiences. If it happened once in a certain situation it will happen again in another same/similar situation. Since then this has been a worry of mine. But now that's not the only reason I don't want to go. A weekend alone would be the perfect time to CTB (of course exactly what my mom is afraid of, but whatever). If she did go without me I still likely wouldn't be totally alone the whole time. My brother probably wouldn't go with mom, but between his work and friends I don't see him much on the weekends, so it should be fine. I know my mom has no clue about my plans. She would definitely say so if she did. I'm a good liar when it comes to this stuff. But I've lied to her too many times in the past and trusted the wrong people who broke my confidence so she knows. So now she doesn't trust me because of that.

But it's not only that my mom doesn't trust me. She's also trying to guilt trip me. She has told me multiple times that if I kill myself she will too. Wtf, way to make me feel like a shitty person. Well I've (mostly) gotten over any guilt. I've decided it's time to think about myself and put me first. I don't think CTB is selfish. I think expecting someone who is in so much pain to stick around just for you is selfish. It's not that I don't care. I just think it's time to think about what's best for me. Or am I wrong? Does that make me a bad person?

A rule I adhere to when I start to make moral judgements about people is "if I was you I would so as you do". Your mom doesn't know any better; otherwise she wouldn't say such things, like "if you kill yourself I will kill myself too". Try not to be too hard on her but do what you have to do to protect yourself. I'm sorry you have such incompetent people around you; just know that, if they knew your pain and if they had experienced it themselves they wouldn't act like that.

Btw you said she won't send you to the psych ward - is that something you would like to do? get professional help I mean? then you should really disregard your mom and get yourself voluntarily hospitalized/ an appointment with someone. Should be very easy.

Good luck friend

 

[smile418]

Thank you. Your support means a lot. I didn't really have any choice but to tell my mom. One night I was stupid and took a double dose of benadryl and I woke up feeling awful. I ended up leaving the house when I heard my mom get up so she wouldn't see me. By the time she got home from work I was feeling better but not 100%. My anxiety started to spike. Then my mom reminded me that our hairdresser was coming soon to give us haircuts. I pretty much lost it. I don't remember what I said but then I ran to my room and stayed there the rest of the night. So the next day of course my mom asked what happened. I knew if I refused to talk she would definitely assume the worst. I was also afraid she'd analyze my behavior from the night before and suspect I took something. I figured admitting to my anxiety was the lesser of evils. At least this way I still have most of my freedom.

I understand now. Thanks for telling me. I hope I see you around in the future .