NSFW My mom found the masturbation closet. I legitimately want to stop living.

[asocial]

So...I'm 22 and live at home. I use my closet to jerk off in and have since I was a kid. I legitimately stand in there and finish in the corner of the carpet then slide my dresser back over the corner. There's literally almost a decade of cum built up there. When you get close the smell is absolutely foul but sometimes I'll spray frebreeze on it to hide the smell.

Yesterday my mother surprised me with a new dresser instead of the old value village one that's been there since I was born. We put the new one together and she said she'll help me move the old one. Panic set in and I told here it's okay I'll swap then out myself but she walked over and slid it back before I could stop her. I hadn't sprayed febreze in it in too long so it's definitely rank.

She screamed "Oh my god what is this!?" Then she realized what it is and yelled at me. Told me I'm a disgusting pervert and a animal and I need to clean it up immediately. My dad overheard her shouting so he came to see what was going on. He didn't say a word he just put his face in his hand and dry heaved when he saw the closet and left the room.

I got the carpet shampooer she owns and ran it but the cum is so ingrained into the carpet and actually soaked through over the years that there's just a huge obvious stain there now. My parents didn't talk to me for the rest of the day and they left for dinner at my grandmothers without me. Eventually they came back and my mom wants me to see a counselor now. My dad still can't look at me and hasn't talked to me.

This was the worst week ever.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

That sucks. I'm not going to lie, I did chuckle a bit at the part about your dad just putting his head in hand, dry heaving, and then leaving the room.

 

[winamp]

this is almost as funny as the story with the coconut filled with maggots

 

[Shetly]

We have a saying

Ist der Ruf erst ruiniert, lebt es sich ganz ungeniert (German)

It translates roughly as:
Once your reputation is ruined, you can live a carefree life


I'm still laughing, I'm sorry

 

[CasTheFriendlyGhost]

hey man that's rough. not much to be done about it now though.
you shouldn't have done that in the first place ofc, but hey, i'm definitely not in the position to criticize or ridicule anyone's bad habits. i know how hard it is to abandon them once they're there.

let me guess your parents didn't give you any sex ed, right?

don't ctb because of this please

 

[H25pital Order]

I am literally crying with laughter but only about how honest and funny you are! Seriously, you have got nothing to worry about other than becoming a 10/10 comedian! But do tell: what did you think would happen to it, evaporate?

 

[the old man]

Funniest thing I've read in ages, sorry to hear of your dilemma but thanks for cheering me up

 

[Reasonably_Rational]

Ok then...not to make fun of your obvious embarrassment, but that was the best laugh I've had in a while. Thank you for posting that!!

You could always flip the script on mommy and tell her that your behavior is all her fault and she's the one that needs the counseling. Really have fun with it and see how badly you can torque her up. Make it a new hobby.

AND...by the way, if this is the worst thing to happen to you...you're doing pretty good...just sayin'.

I am literally crying with laughter but only about how honest and funny you are! Seriously, you have got nothing to worry about other than becoming a 10/10 comedian! But do tell: what did you think would happen to it, evaporate?

Good point...every great comedian has a good masturbation / self deprivation story...youtube "Dave Chappelle Masturbates When His Wife Is Gone For Hours" . It's funny because it's true!

 

[rozeske]

Oh my I can't remember the last time I laughed this hard! Thank you for this!

Your story reminded me....
Once we had a huge china cabinet that was taking up space in the living room so my parents wanted to sell it since it was also kind of old fashioned so we put in my younger brothers bedroom until buyers came. We couldn't press it directly against the wall and there was an a gap in between. When we found a buyer for it it was time to take it out of the bedroom and boy the amount of balled up tissue papers that was behind it ....it was almost the hight of the cabinet, it took forever to sweep it out of the bedroom. Imagine...our parents were there, me and my sister, the buyers plus relatives and neighbours were there that came to help with lifting... it just was the AWKWARDEST moment. Lucky for him no one said anything except give him a look.

Anyways there is a saying in my language that roughly translates to "one who is soaked isn't afraid of the rain".....so cheerup

 

[tiger b]

Okay, yes i laughed. But not in mockery.

All you did was leave years of a snail trail, a private cumcano that could pour out of lifts, Shining-esque...

Sorry. Ehem. Matter in hand. I don't want to rub you up the wrong way and you deserve some relief.

But...your story doesn't quite make sense, does it. As soon as the new dresser arrived, you would have known the issue and done everything you could to have covered up your actions, even if it was in vain. You would have know what was coming...

And then - the idea of counselling is silly. It's the mess that is the issue, not the actions. Counsellors don't fit new carpets, which is really the problem.

Considering this is pretty much a word for word copy of something that was posted on Reddit two weeks ago (people can do their own detective work), I can see a send-up for what it is. Perhaps you will come clean but I know it's kinda hard. Maybe one day you'll create your own material, but this is a good place for a send-up, as people will be too scared to push you over the edge, in case your life reaches its ultimate climax.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

Okay, yes i laughed. But not in mockery.

All you did was leave years of a snail trail, a private cumcano that could pour out of lifts, Shining-esque...

Sorry. Ehem. Matter in hand. I don't want to rub you up the wrong way and you deserve some relief.

But...your story doesn't quite make sense, does it. As soon as the new dresser arrived, you would have known the issue and done everything you could to have covered up your actions, even if it was in vain. You would have know what was coming...

And then - the idea of counselling is silly. It's the mess that is the issue, not the actions. Counsellors don't fit new carpets, which is really the problem.

Considering this is pretty much a word for word copy of something that was posted on Reddit two weeks ago (people can do their own detective work), I can see a send-up for what it is. Perhaps you will come clean but I know it's kinda hard. Maybe one day you'll create your own material, but this is a good place for a send-up, as people will be too scared to push you over the edge, in case your life reaches its ultimate climax.

Cumcano

 

[Forever Sleep]

Probably not what you want to hear but I can't believe that neither of your parents have masturbated before. I'd imagine most people do it- at least once! Yes- you probably should have done it somewhere else but really? I'd say your parents are the ones who need councelling. Did they not think one day you'd become a sexually active adult? Yes, it's hugely embarassing. I expect it feels mortifying for you but, it's one of the facts of life. Are they very religious?

 

[boblong]

Find her dildo and tell her she's a pervert .

 

[silent.desperation]

Sorry for your situation and I don't want to detract from your situation (and obvious shame) but that made me roar with laughter. They'll get over it btw...Thanks for sharing!

 

[CatLover2000]

this is copypasta material, ngl

 

[Redacted24]

@tiger b: so are all the puns in your post intentional? You're genius!

I "rub" your way with words. I'd "come" to listen to your routine anytime and would probably bust something at the "climax!"

 

[Tokugawa_Yoshinobu]

That is unfortunate.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

The good news is now you've removed the taboo from it, so you can just start doing it out in the open. Like pants down while your mom's cooking dinner and right there in the kitchen or whatever. In so doing you've also acknowledged the problem (a single, giant pile of cum) and have diversified by spreading your seed across the house.

 

[Silo2938]

Hahaha, man, dont ctb because of that, agreed when your reputation tarnished you live carefree, and found her dildo and show it to her, ask her innocently, what's that?

 

[noname223]

So...I'm 22 and live at home. I use my closet to jerk off in and have since I was a kid. I legitimately stand in there and finish in the corner of the carpet then slide my dresser back over the corner. There's literally almost a decade of cum built up there. When you get close the smell is absolutely foul but sometimes I'll spray frebreeze on it to hide the smell.

Yesterday my mother surprised me with a new dresser instead of the old value village one that's been there since I was born. We put the new one together and she said she'll help me move the old one. Panic set in and I told here it's okay I'll swap then out myself but she walked over and slid it back before I could stop her. I hadn't sprayed febreze in it in too long so it's definitely rank.

She screamed "Oh my god what is this!?" Then she realized what it is and yelled at me. Told me I'm a disgusting pervert and a animal and I need to clean it up immediately. My dad overheard her shouting so he came to see what was going on. He didn't say a word he just put his face in his hand and dry heaved when he saw the closet and left the room.

I got the carpet shampooer she owns and ran it but the cum is so ingrained into the carpet and actually soaked through over the years that there's just a huge obvious stain there now. My parents didn't talk to me for the rest of the day and they left for dinner at my grandmothers without me. Eventually they came back and my mom wants me to see a counselor now. My dad still can't look at me and hasn't talked to me.

This was the worst week ever.

I feel very sorry for you. And also many comments were insensitive and sort of offensive. I apologize that one of your first experiences in this forum was this unpleasant. Please don't feel too bad about that. In the end we are only anonymous online strangers. Barely anyone will remember it in some days. I think it is important we don't judge each other too harshly. I have the feeling many comments were caused by being immature rather than evil intentions.

This topic is very stigmatized and you were honest and open about it and got this as replies. This must hurt. Similar things also happened to me but rather in real life. In the end though don't worry what others think of you. Especially not online.

I don't think your family acted properly. It must have been hell for you. I hope for you that you and your family can move on. Sexuality is part of human nature and we should not feel ashamed about it.

Sending hugs and love to you! If this whole thread feels too bad for you and the reactions it caused you can still ask the mods to delete it. Or to delete certain replies.

Of course it could also be fake. But whatever better than someone potentially commits suicide over something harmless as this.

 

[puella]

I'm assuming you didn't know any better as a kid. It is surprising the habit became so strong that you couldn't break it later, but it is still nothing to berate—or laugh at—you for.

This way is cleaner, and would work even if you are uncomfortable outside of your closet.
1. Ejaculate into toilet paper, then flush the toilet paper. (Don't ejaculate into the toilet directly, as it can stick and stain the porcelain.)
2. Use paper towels to clean up any missed ejaculate, including excess on your hands and body. (Paper towels are better for this step, as toilet paper quickly dissolves into a mess when wet. But do not flush paper towels.) Once your hands and body parts are dry, throw away the paper towels in a garbage can you plan to toss often.
3. Wash your hands with soap and water (only once dry, to prevent cloggage). Use a wet wipe (like Pampers sensitive baby care) to clean off any body parts dried with paper towels to prevent smell or stickiness.
4. If you want to, a shower can't hurt.

This is all just proper hygiene, yet people just aren't usually taught it. Masturbation being so taboo is unhealthy for society. I never got sex education; my parents were conservative. It isn't fair. The reason I know ejaculate can stain porcelain is because when I was a kid, I thought masturbation was just a way to get rid of waste from the body—like urination or deification. No one taught me I wasn't supposed to ejaculate in the same place I urinated. How was I supposed to know? They come from the same place.

Sorry this topic is so hard to talk about. Even I feel uncomfortable around it. I hope this was helpful, at least.

 

[tiger b]

I feel very sorry for you. And also many comments were insensitive and sort of offensive. I apologize that one of your first experiences in this forum was this unpleasant. Please don't feel too bad about that. In the end we are only anonymous online strangers. Barely anyone will remember it in some days. I think it is important we don't judge each other too harshly. I have the feeling many comments were caused by being immature rather than evil intentions.

This topic is very stigmatized and you were honest and open about it and got this as replies. This must hurt. Similar things also happened to me but rather in real life. In the end though don't worry what others think of you. Especially not online.

I don't think your family acted properly. It must have been hell for you. I hope for you that you and your family can move on. Sexuality is part of human nature and we should not feel ashamed about it.

Sending hugs and love to you! If this whole thread feels too bad for you and the reactions it caused you can still ask the mods to delete it. Or to delete certain replies.

Of course it could also be fake. But whatever better than someone potentially commits suicide over something harmless as this.

It could? Dude, it's a wind up. It's a copy and paste taken from Reddit weeks ago. It's not hard joining the dots. There are no evil intentions on anybody's part.

If you choose to be taken in from it that's your business. But the reactions are part of the joke. Emperor's new clothes.

 

[Rhizomorph1]

Okay, yes i laughed. But not in mockery.

All you did was leave years of a snail trail, a private cumcano that could pour out of lifts, Shining-esque...

Sorry. Ehem. Matter in hand. I don't want to rub you up the wrong way and you deserve some relief.

But...your story doesn't quite make sense, does it. As soon as the new dresser arrived, you would have known the issue and done everything you could to have covered up your actions, even if it was in vain. You would have know what was coming...

And then - the idea of counselling is silly. It's the mess that is the issue, not the actions. Counsellors don't fit new carpets, which is really the problem.

Considering this is pretty much a word for word copy of something that was posted on Reddit two weeks ago (people can do their own detective work), I can see a send-up for what it is. Perhaps you will come clean but I know it's kinda hard. Maybe one day you'll create your own material, but this is a good place for a send-up, as people will be too scared to push you over the edge, in case your life reaches its ultimate climax.

Your way of writing comedic gold never ceases to amaze me. Thanks T :)

 

[CasTheFriendlyGhost]

Considering this is pretty much a word for word copy of something that was posted on Reddit two weeks ago (people can do their own detective work), I can see a send-up for what it is. Perhaps you will come clean but I know it's kinda hard. Maybe one day you'll create your own material, but this is a good place for a send-up, as people will be too scared to push you over the edge, in case your life reaches its ultimate climax.

can you post a link to the reddit post?

 

[tiger b]

can you post a link to the reddit post?

Yes. Will I? No! Highlight a paragraph and drop it into a search engine if you really want to check.

Excuse me, I've got to harvest spaghetti from my spaghetti tree, as my friend Lord Lucan is hungry.

Jeez.

 

[CasTheFriendlyGhost]

tried with duckduckgo didnt find it

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I'm sorry you went through this embarrassing experience, but I don't really think it's the end of the world. I don't know what to suggest that might help, but at least you cleaned the carpet as well as you could.

Also, this is why when I was growing up, I just used an old coffee mug lmao.

Considering this is pretty much a word for word copy of something that was posted on Reddit two weeks ago (people can do their own detective work), I can see a send-up for what it is. Perhaps you will come clean but I know it's kinda hard. Maybe one day you'll create your own material, but this is a good place for a send-up, as people will be too scared to push you over the edge, in case your life reaches its ultimate climax.

It's possible the same person posted the story to both places though. Sometimes when you need to vent about something, if people aren't helpful in one community, they can be helpful in another one.

 

[tiger b]

I'm sorry you went through this embarrassing experience, but I don't really think it's the end of the world. I don't know what to suggest that might help, but at least you cleaned the carpet as well as you could.

Also, this is why when I was growing up, I just used an old coffee mug lmao.

It's possible the same person posted the story to both places though. Sometimes when you need to vent about something, if people aren't helpful in one community, they can be helpful in another one.

Yes, of course it is - but not in this case. Simple comprehension of both posts dictates it. I think people will maybe to err on the side of belief because of their own embarrassing experiences and the pain of not being believed. And I really relate to that pain. But that's why the send up is in such a good place.

The writer has posted three times and this verbose post contrasts an awful lot with the ones before. (However, an anime character briefly mentioned could have contributed to a situation happening. 100% approval of said potential waifu.)

I'm sure I'm not the only person chuckling right now. Very sure. And good on them, everyone needs a laugh.

ps I'm never letting you make me a coffee!

 

[winamp]

this is copypasta material, ngl

I am glad someone finally commented this I didn't want to be the one to ruin the fun but I felt as if I were going to go crazy if no one said anything

 

[tiger b]

Masturbation being so taboo is unhealthy for society. I never got sex education; my parents were conservative. It isn't fair. The reason I know ejaculate can stain porcelain is because when I was a kid, I thought masturbation was just a way to get rid of waste from the body—like urination or deification. No one taught me I wasn't supposed to ejaculate in the same place I urinated. How was I supposed to know? They come from the same place.

Sorry this topic is so hard to talk about. Even I feel uncomfortable around it. I hope this was helpful, at least.

Now this, this is worth talking about