Venting My mom and dad made me feel that I'm incapable of love.

[-FrozenRobot-]

I've been thinking about it a lot of time. "Why do I need people? I can live on my own. Why do people need people?"
The thing is that I was brought up in an environment that didn't talk much about feelings are emotions. I belong to an upper middle class family but I still remember the days I went without food sometimes for 2 entire days. Why do people like my parents decide to have kids if they can't take care of us?
I'm going to be honest,I'm afraid I might become like them. For real. I don't want to be narcissistic, loveless walking corpse. I want to feel things. Beautiful things. Lovely things. But my parents made sure I could never feel those things. It feels like I'm desensitized to people. I don't have any friends. I didn't leave my house in a week. I stayed in and slept all day.
I make up an imaginary world and dwell in it. I create people who love me the way I want to be loved. Who care about me and look out for me. I swear that world is 1000000x better than the world I'm living in.
I just want to CTB as soon as possible. But I'm scared that SN might make me blond for my life. Practically anything can go wrong.
That's for now. I just wanted to get these things out of my chest. I don't a safer space than here.

 

[blueclover_.]

But I'm scared that SN might make me blond for my life. Practically anything can go wrong.
That's for now. I just wanted to get these things out of my chest. I don't a safer space than here.

Don't worry, if you're somehow 'saved' by the doctors, SN won't do any permanent damage to your body. I advise to go somewhere isolated and make sure you won't be found for at least 8 hours. Most people die by SN under 4 hours. If you change your mind, just go to the hospital and say you accidentally poisoned yourself, and if they know about the SN say that it is for curing meat. They will give you methanyl blue which is the antidote of SN and you'll be fine soon. No permanent injury whatsoever. Hope it goes well for you.

 

[Rational man]

The fact that you recognise your perceived shortcomings is the reflection of what you dont want to be. Im afraid we dont choose our family but we can act at 18. We make choices. My parents had sex once, and I was the result !. I was subjected to emotionally abusive behaviour, distancing and cruelty. I do forgive my parents but I didnt forget. I escaped at 20, and carved out a life and did things opposite to my parents. I found love too, something my parents didnt have.. You can choose not to be a victim here !. The WORLD is full of shit people but theres nice people too.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are in this situation. It is horrible how we were forced to exist in the first place. None of us should have to resort to methods that could fail either, we should be able to peacefully exit this world at a time of our own choosing. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[-FrozenRobot-]

Don't worry, if you're somehow 'saved' by the doctors, SN won't do any permanent damage to your body. I advise to go somewhere isolated and make sure you won't be found for at least 8 hours. Most people die by SN under 4 hours. If you change your mind, just go to the hospital and say you accidentally poisoned yourself, and if they know about the SN say that it is for curing meat. They will give you methanyl blue which is the antidote of SN and you'll be fine soon. No permanent injury whatsoever. Hope it goes well for you.

I once had a reply that temporary blindness was observed in 4% of the people who attempted to CTB via SN.
But practically anything can go wrong, right?

 

[blueclover_.]

I once had a reply that temporary blindness was observed in 4% of the people who attempted to CTB via SN.
But practically anything can go wrong, right?

Well, the lack of oxygen may cause some damage to some people. 96% of humans are just gonna die or be completely fine.

 

[-FrozenRobot-]

Well, the lack of oxygen may cause some damage to some people. 96% of humans are just gonna die or be completely fine.

So there is a possibility???? I'm really worried.

 

[blueclover_.]

So there is a possibility???? I'm really worried.

I've never heard of the official reports, but from my 100% subjective opinion, it may be a possibility. SN causes hypoxia, and there are some cases where it causes cardiac arrest which leads to brain damage. Most people will just die or get saved by Methanyl Blue. Some peoples brains are already too damaged before the blood could react with methanyl blue and be supplied back with oxygen. Low chance tho, so just make sure you don't get saved. Compared to the exit bag method, the chance of irreversible brain damage by hypoxia in SN is much lower.

"Hypoxic brain damage, also called hypoxic–ischemic encephalopathy, is a severe consequence of global cerebral ischemia due to cardiac arrest [1] or other causes (e.g. hanging, strangulation, poisoning with carbon monoxide or near-drowning). Cardiac diseases are the main cause of cardiac arrests (82.4%) and subsequent brain damage [2]."

 

[-FrozenRobot-]

I've never heard of the official reports, but from my 100% subjective opinion, it may be a possibility. SN causes hypoxia, and there are some cases where it causes cardiac arrest which leads to brain damage. Most people will just die or get saved by Methanyl Blue. Some peoples brains are already too damaged before the blood could react with methanyl blue and be supplied back with oxygen. Low chance tho, so just make sure you don't get saved.

Thanks :)

 

[eternalmelancholy]

I belong to an upper middle class family but I still remember the days I went without food sometimes for 2 entire days. Why do people like my parents decide to have kids if they can't take care of us?

I remember being going without food. It is a feeling that no child should experience. But it was because my parents were extremely poor. They were negligent too so that didn't help either.

I just want to CTB as soon as possible. But I'm scared that SN might make me blond for my life. Practically anything can go wrong.
That's for now. I just wanted to get these things out of my chest. I don't a safer space than here.

If you decide to go with SN, prepare 2 full doses. Just in case the first dose doesn't finish the job. That seems to be the common advice around here.

 

[-FrozenRobot-]

I remember being going without food. It is a feeling that no child should experience. But it was because my parents were extremely poor. They were negligent too so that didn't help either.




If you decide to go with SN, prepare 2 full doses. Just in case the first dose doesn't finish the job. That seems to be the common advice around here.

Yeah, I have 2 serious failed attempts. So this time I'm choosing SN. I'm glad I wasn't paralyzed or something when my partial hanging went wrong. I'm also scared SN might blind me or something worse. I'm being paranoid about it. But yeah, when things get out of control I'll order high quality SN and it will do the job.

 

[blueclover_.]

I remember being going without food. It is a feeling that no child should experience. But it was because my parents were extremely poor. They were negligent too so that didn't help either.

Man, i know that feeling too well. In my case, it was the embarrassment. I couldn't handle the thought of the kids in school knowing about how poor i am.

If you decide to go with SN, prepare 2 full doses. Just in case the first dose doesn't finish the job. That seems to be the common advice around here.

People who claim that SN isn't effective to kill them are just too scared to drink a second glass. SI got the best of them and they called for help, blaming SN for being yucky. Well, it's poison. You expect them to taste like candy? Seriously.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

Man, i know that feeling too well. In my case, it was the embarrassment. I couldn't handle the thought of the kids in school knowing about how poor i am.

I was homeschooled. But my parents didn't teach me anything. They just left me home alone for years. I had no chance of a normal life. It is hard to get back on track in life when you are so dysfunctional as a human being. Suicide was the only logical conclusion.

 

[blueclover_.]

I was homeschooled. But my parents didn't teach me anything. They just left me home alone for years. I had no chance of a normal life. It is hard to get back on track in life when you are so dysfunctional as a human being. Suicide was the only logical conclusion.

So sorry for you. Having a child when you know that you can't give them the best or at least proper education is pure evil. Parents don't care if their kid has to be a wage slave, they just want their genes to live on because "mUh lEgAcY".

 

[eternalmelancholy]

So sorry for you. Having a child when you know that you can't give them the best or at least proper education is pure evil. Parents don't care if their kid has to be a wage slave, they just want their genes to live on because "mUh lEgAcY".

Yeah it makes no sense why people like our parents ended up having kids. Like do they have a sense of self awareness? You didn't deserve to feel less than others. You did nothing wrong.

A lifetime of working dead end jobs with no family, friends or partner is such a bleak future. Why even go through the hassle just to die in the end? Why not just skip that part and go straight for death?

 

[SuicideRun]

Sorry about your situation, but it's identical to mine. My parents were never parents and they were never husband and wife and there was never love between them. Inevitably I have absorbed a lot of their not being happy and over time, without my noticing it, all the unspoken unspoken things have caused and are causing me a lot of problems. I don't blame it all on them anyway. I like the world less and less, And maybe I never liked it. For years, decades that I have not been well in this sterile world where the only thing that matters is the profit, the work. I am tired. I wish you the best, and you are not alone here.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

Sorry about your situation, but it's identical to mine. My parents were never parents and they were never husband and wife and there was never love between them. Inevitably I have absorbed a lot of their not being happy and over time, without my noticing it, all the unspoken unspoken things have caused and are causing me a lot of problems. I don't blame it all on them anyway. I like the world less and less, And maybe I never liked it. For years, decades that I have not been well in this sterile world where the only thing that matters is the profit, the work. I am tired. I wish you the best, and you are not alone here.

Beautifully written. That deep empty feeling starts to become more and more familiar. Sinking anything remotely good in your life until nothing is left. At some point you gotta just admit defeat and tap out. There is no shame in it.