Venting My mistakes make me want to die

[shelaysdown]

Every little thing I do that I deem "incorrect" or "wrong" seems to hurt me intensely.

If I say the wrong thing to someone I feel horrible. If I make a tiny error in judgment or a mistake I feel horrible.

Today I was on a bus, and another bus pulled up next to it. A little girl was sitting in the neighbouring bus. She waved at me through the window. I waved back, but my hands were full, so I waved with my phone in my hand.
That interaction should have been a good one; this sweet, simple hello to a stranger. But all I could think about was how I waved with my phone in my hand. I wanted to HURT myself for not putting my phone down first before I waved.
Isn't that insane? Doesn't that seem like a level of weird obsessive behaviour that is ridiculous? I don't understand.

It happened again when I got home - I wrapped Christmas gifts, but after I wrapped them I realized I left the price tag stickers on the gifts. I've heard it's in poor taste to leave the price stickers on gifts, but it took me so long to wrap them, I didn't want to rip the wrapping off and have to do it all again. So I'm just sitting here in agony, thinking over and over about how clumsy and tacky they'll think I am when they open them.

I want to ctb so bad for these tiny little mistakes.
Why does my brain torture me like this? I haven't done anything to intentionally hurt anybody, why do I feel like a terrible person?
I feel awful, I want to leave so bad. I keep messing everything up and I'm in so much pain.

 

[Celerity]

I used to be the same exact way. Only getting older dulled the propensity somewhat.

If it brings you any comfort, I suspect that this is less of a weird quirk and more of a reasonable (yes, reasonable!) reaction to childhood abuse by an authority figure. This impulse, however destructive it seems now, helped you navigate a situation where somebody with power expected way too much of you. That's what it was for me anyway. Took me years to figure it out and even longer to move on from the realization.

Whatever the ultimate cause, I'm sorry you're going through this, and I hope you are able to eventually adapt as I have.

 

[brighter_in_tupelo]

I feel the exact same way. This could just be a young person thing, but I still feel haunted whenever I remember slightly rude/cringe things or mistakes I made in elementary school. It didn't help that I was socially awkward and had less friends as I got older, so any interaction with other people would make me nervous and overthink things until I ultimately made a mistake that felt like the world ended. I tried to prevent it by not interacting too much with other people, but that's hard to do.

The best advice I can give is try to remember that you are a good person, and little mistakes don't change that, it just makes you human. And in reality, you might beat yourself up over small mistakes but other people don't even notice it. Take care. ❤