My mind starts to bring my life to a close

[S7W5115A9H0]

Recently, I noticed that I start to think about my suicide nearly all the time. I would not have thought that I am already so far but I am not sure anymore. Whenever I have good moments with friends or family I always enjoy the time better than before because I feel like it could be my last time and then always the thought comes into my mind that it is great to leave the world in good. For me, I don't have any further dreams or goals in life and would be happy to stop it now. I have travelled to many countries and so far I had lots of luck in my life and people would say my life is successful and great. But I just don't see any sense in being here and I am scared to lose everything and disappoint all the people around me. Because they just know my facade but not my real me. Now I am thinking in starting to prepare to end my life but I am not sure if I should give it first some more time because my life right now is bearable....but I would rather leave in good than in bad what do you think?

 

[R_N]

No one here can decide that for you but in my opinion giving self more time can't be that bad because suicide is permanent.

 

[Last Caress]

Hi sweetie,

I totally understand you. If those times looks good for you and you feel at least decent with your life, give it a chance. Why?

Well, just look at this. My life felt good, I had a good time at my job, with my boyfriend and in general everything was ok. But I kinda have up my job, and this made me quit my life. The last time I left my house was 21 December when I met my boyfriend for the last time. I am about to end it all because I know for sure I can do nothing.

So the best time to ctb is when you fell for yourself you can do nothing, but as long as you know you can enjoy life, why quitting? Think twice.

Love,
Last Caress.

 

[S7W5115A9H0]

Hi sweetie,

I totally understand you. If those times looks good for you and you feel at least decent with your life, give it a chance. Why?

Well, just look at this. My life felt good, I had a good time at my job, with my boyfriend and in general everything was ok. But I kinda have up my job, and this made me quit my life. The last time I left my house was 21 December when I met my boyfriend for the last time. I am about to end it all because I know for sure I can do nothing.

So the best time to ctb is when you fell for yourself you can do nothing, but as long as you know you can enjoy life, why quitting? Think twice.

Love,
Last Caress.

Thank you for your reply and your kind words. Probably you are right and I should continue but something in me has a desire to die and this desire gets bigger and bigger even though my life is ok. I mean it is okay on the surface but inside I feel already like parts of me are completely empty. And then I just feel so alienated from everybody around me....

I also have the feeling that subconsciously I prepare for ctb. Because for example I bought for each of my family members as christmas presents trees to plant....and only afterwards I realized that it had a deeper symbolic meaning. So that they have something that reminds them of me when I am gone and something that can grow instead of me.

I don't know if it is understandable what I mean but it just feels weird that my subconscious mind is further than I am aware of.

 

[Last Caress]

Thank you for your reply and your kind words. Probably you are right and I should continue but something in me has a desire to die and this desire gets bigger and bigger even though my life is ok. I mean it is okay on the surface but inside I feel already like parts of me are completely empty. And then I just feel so alienated from everybody around me....

I also have the feeling that subconsciously I prepare for ctb. Because for example I bought for each of my family members as christmas presents trees to plant....and only afterwards I realized that it had a deeper symbolic meaning. So that they have something that reminds them of me when I am gone and something that can grow instead of me.

I don't know if it is understandable what I mean but it just feels weird that my subconscious mind is further than I am aware of.

It's just you are used with the idea you can ctb.. it happens to everyone around here. You should ignore it for now.

And about the deeper thoughts.. you know how it is, you are enough to cope with them :)
You still have to give it a chance and stick to those happy moments.

Sorry, ik it's just confusing, but you can't give up right now, it's too good to be true, and it can be better.

Love,
Last Caress.