Every day feels like such a horrible cycle which is scary considering that this is what I am dealing with after prior weights being lifted. Imagining what I'd be feeling if they weren't makes me shudder. I find it truly tragic that the "good times" in my life essentially always consist of either fleeing the dread that is embedded deep within my mind or trying to find a way to express my disgust for life in a way that has not grown stale yet. I must be checked out 24/7 in order to not overflow with the mental suffering that I have been feeling for years and this really begins to upset me if I think about it too much but I simply can not avoid thinking about these things forever. All of the ideas that haunt my psyche always resurface and quite frankly, it is a very unpleasant game of whack a mole that I play with my mind daily.
I just don't really understand where I could possibly find lasting relief at this point and unfortunately I feel naive as hell for even believing that things won't get better because I have experienced enough to understand that beliefs will hardly even take me anywhere whether they are invested in optimism or pessimism. Nothing will take me anywhere because I have a psychological ailment that refuses to budge despite putting everything I am capable of into fixing it. I possess such a feeble damaged mind and it is driving me insane day by day, at the very least, anytime that I acknowledge it or lift my attention from what I am doing. What can I possibly do? I would love take initiative over my life and bring my desires to fruition by ctb'ing but am making the conscious decision to postpone as long as possible for my parents' sake. And damn, my masochistic altruism poses a new problem considering that I risk losing access to my chosen method if laws change in the future and we all know what that would mean. A much more violent and chaotic exit! Awesome!
Well, I am just filled to the brim with feelings of disgust towards this life and my sense of obligation. Again, I just seriously wish I could have never been born and I am so disappointed at the fact that reality was imposed upon me. I abhor this life.. Seriously. To my parents: I know that there was no way you guys could have known it would be this way, but it still hurts to live this life and not a day goes by where I don't feel like I am not of this world. I can cope with the fact that everything ends but I can not cope with the fact that everything ends by dying in agony.
I just don't really understand where I could possibly find lasting relief at this point and unfortunately I feel naive as hell for even believing that things won't get better because I have experienced enough to understand that beliefs will hardly even take me anywhere whether they are invested in optimism or pessimism. Nothing will take me anywhere because I have a psychological ailment that refuses to budge despite putting everything I am capable of into fixing it. I possess such a feeble damaged mind and it is driving me insane day by day, at the very least, anytime that I acknowledge it or lift my attention from what I am doing. What can I possibly do? I would love take initiative over my life and bring my desires to fruition by ctb'ing but am making the conscious decision to postpone as long as possible for my parents' sake. And damn, my masochistic altruism poses a new problem considering that I risk losing access to my chosen method if laws change in the future and we all know what that would mean. A much more violent and chaotic exit! Awesome!
Well, I am just filled to the brim with feelings of disgust towards this life and my sense of obligation. Again, I just seriously wish I could have never been born and I am so disappointed at the fact that reality was imposed upon me. I abhor this life.. Seriously. To my parents: I know that there was no way you guys could have known it would be this way, but it still hurts to live this life and not a day goes by where I don't feel like I am not of this world. I can cope with the fact that everything ends but I can not cope with the fact that everything ends by dying in agony.
