Venting My mind is war

[gnarly]

I'm going to be explaining my insane and draining mind to you all. Which to be honest is quite simple. Ever since I gained consciousness I have always been put down by others. I never had the chance to speak for myself. I was so in fear of being wrong. I held back and bottled every emotion. Eventually I felt maddened by my mind. Constantly having to speak to myself. Conjuring characters that split my soul and define certain emotions. Everyday I put on a mask to hide how I truly felt. The one thing I always felt was my hatred for society. For people. I had a rage for all those who acted wrong or had such an idiotic mindset. There would be moments in my anger I would feel the need to be violent. Dubbed the saint. This character was my anger. My hate. That feeling to punch someone or have the idea of even killing someone for just making my blood boil. But on the other end it was all swallowed for the other half of my brain knew that things could've been better. Heylel is its name. And he's all my positives. He dreams of happiness and joy. He wishes peace upon the world. Hoping, craving for that peace and silence. These two characters split me in half. Causing me to act so random and unpredictable. One minute I want to walk away from everyone and bash my skull on the wall Because it refuses to trust or believe anyone's words. The other half knows that not everyone will betray you. That there will always be someone there whether I believe it or not. They are at war with each other. A battle of good and evil. One side says "violence is always the answer" while the other says "it isn't" both pursuing different dreams. One of peace and one of blood. It's draining and it leaves me in misery. That's my mind. Nothing but war. Nothing but the loud noises the explosions and fire upon myself. My soul has dimmed greatly because of it.
I say I'm pretty close to becoming Saint more than anything. As bottling up all this anger and hatred has done extreme numbers to my mind and I envision my future. But heylel. That bit of hope to keep peace. To hide all that away and forgive all. Willing to put himself in front of everyone before himself. Call me crazy or whatever but that's how it is. That's my mind. I hope at least some of you can come to an understanding with what I'm saying