Venting My mind doesn't know how to take kindness

[Inferdan]

So, I opened up to one of my friends about my state, my past, and everything that I'm currently going through. He supported me, giving me the 'aggressive support', saying that I'm a warrior for not giving up, even after life giving you so much shit, and that life will get better, and other general stuff. I liked what he was doing, honestly, it gave me a a bit more will to keep going. Well, I went offline for two days (school got in the way) and came back online, finding a bunch of DM's from the group (it's an online group of friends, and we're all close. Yes, I know they're good people, I've made sure), which I found strange, and go into the actual chat itself and make my presence known. Suddenly, everyone is saying how happy they are, and that they were paranoid I offer myself; only one thought logically that I had stuff on. So, my friend that I opened up to got worried about me, and another one suggested a reason why, and everyone asked about it, and they all ended up knowing how I was, and started freaking out.

Anyways, they were going on how glad they were they were wrong, and so on, and I asked why they were, I wasn't special. One proceeds to say the following:

°You are a god at story-telling
°You're so funny and creative
°You have a huge heart

Everyone agrees and say variations of the same reasons, but still heartfelt. Now, I should be happy from this, maybe a single tear. But now I was conflicted. It was so kind of them to do this, and that they truly cared about me, but for the first time, my mind became a bigger confused mess than usual. The kindness and joy from them conflicted the growing emptiness, and it seems it's finally reached a point where good things like this make it harder to choose to suffer and live for others or to pass on and let it spread. Something I especially hate is that that same friend I opened up to has told me if I ctb, he will do the same. So now if I go and then he goes, it's my fault. Don't get me wrong, they're nice people, but that was just wrong.

Something else I've come to realise is that most, if not all, of my friends are depressed, and i am a reason they haven't fallen deeper into it. I've become a pillar of support without entirely knowing, and now the decision is harder than ever. I know I said I'd leave it for a few months, but now, I don't know what will happen and when it will. I'm stressed more, and I feel drained. It may have sped my decline, for all I know. I just can't take the kindness as it should be, it's just becoming a part of the confusion in my mind. I'm going to start looking for SN sources just in case.

 

[Thereisnothing]

I think when we have so much going on, there is always going to be conflicting idea's and thoughts in our heads. When we feel low and people say things to us about what good qualities were have, it makes us lift a little and yet at same time can cause more confusion and even make us doubt ourselves and things even more. You say you are still at school, so being the age you are is a very difficult time anyway, without added worries and depression. I dont say this is a derogatory way, I was a teen once and have gone a few decades since and gone through so much and just dont know what on earth I am still doing here.
It does help if we know the cause of our depression/despair and wishing to depart earth. You say your past and current issues, would it be helpful to share a little more about what happened to bring you to this state? No pressure of course, but could help to get off chest a little and also some very good listeners on here who even if cant help, really do care and give good advice. Take care of yourself and glad you posted.

 

[Inferdan]

I think when we have so much going on, there is always going to be conflicting idea's and thoughts in our heads. When we feel low and people say things to us about what good qualities were have, it makes us lift a little and yet at same time can cause more confusion and even make us doubt ourselves and things even more. You say you are still at school, so being the age you are is a very difficult time anyway, without added worries and depression. I dont say this is a derogatory way, I was a teen once and have gone a few decades since and gone through so much and just dont know what on earth I am still doing here.
It does help if we know the cause of our depression/despair and wishing to depart earth. You say your past and current issues, would it be helpful to share a little more about what happened to bring you to this state? No pressure of course, but could help to get off chest a little and also some very good listeners on here who even if cant help, really do care and give good advice. Take care of yourself and glad you posted.

My whole childhood was pain and fighting. Every day at school was fighting, and my father treated me horribly. Never physical, but he blamed me for everything, and treated my unfairly compared to my siblings. He would provoke me and then lie to my mum, saying I was sick. I've been to so many therapists, I lost count, but it was always me. I was always the problem. Anything I did was wrong, always backlash. I used to get good grades, but they've dropped a lot since than. I moved out when I was 16, and currently living with a shitty roommate who doesn't clean up after himself, leaving me to do everything. I made a complaint, but nothing has happened. School is a waste, even if the end is beneficial, every second wasted in there is horrible. My mind overthinks everything, and I feel like I'm broken. I hate life, I hate the world, and I hate myself for not being happy when I should be. I'm in a way better position, yet I feel worse than before. Only thing I give reason to live for are my friends, since when I help them, I feel useful, but the meaning to that is starting to waver. I know I'm pretty young compared to everyone here, but I feel like mentally I'm on the same level. I've been told many times that they're surprised I'm not a full-on adult with how I think. My brother seems to be slowly becoming sadistic, some friends are falling deeper into depression without me being able to help them, and I'm slowly losing the will to fight, to feel any meaning to anything. I've had a shit life, and the pain is horrible, and I know it's something that won't go. Yes, of course it's a part of life, but I've had my share of it. I've seen what the world is, and I hate it. I refuse to be a part of it.

Anyways, I think I've said enough, I don't know what else to add.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Everyone agrees and say variations of the same reasons, but still heartfelt. Now, I should be happy from this, maybe a single tear. But now I was conflicted. It was so kind of them to do this, and that they truly cared about
. So now if I go and then he goes, it's my fault. Don't get me wrong, they're nice people, but that was just wrong.

Something else I've come to realise is that most, if not all, of my friends are depressed, and i am a reason they haven't fallen deeper into it. I've become a pillar of support without entirely knowing, and now the decision is harder than ever. I know I said I'd leave it for a few months, but now, I don't know what will happen and when it will. I'm stressed more, and I feel drained. It may have sped my decline, for all I know. I just can't take the kindness as it should be, it's just becoming a part of the confusion in my mind.

My observations and opinions...


You identify their actions as kindness, but you feel drained. Kindness fills one up. It seems that others make you responsible for their well-being, and that is their responsibility. They act like they are giving to you, but feeling drained indicates they are taking.

If the one person decides to ctb after you, it is not your responsibility, their decision is their responsibility. Their saying that to you was an attempt to manipulate and control you.

I'm not encouraging you to ctb. I'm pointing out that there are boundary issues.

You commented after the OP that your father blamed you for everything, your roommate is not responsible for his own messes, and you do not have the power to rescue your friends from their problems. You do not have to carry the burdens of everyone's opinions and problems! Of course you are unhappy, it's not a satisfying way to live, and drains the energy you need to live your own life and focus on your own pursuits.

Being mad at yourself about not being happy is, I think, another message of blame courtesy of someone like your father. I'm giving you a different message that you may use or reject as you choose; I have no desire to burden you by insisting you take on something I want for you -- that would mean I was one more person trying to make you responsible for fulfilling my needs.