Sorry if this is quite long.
I'm not sure if other people have dealt with this. I think one of the biggest reasons I'm drawn towards CTB is the way I just can't seem to change myself. I want to preface this with the fact that I am not looking for a psuedo-diagnosis online, that is nonsensical, but I do need to get it off my chest.
I'm under the suspicion that I probably have BPD. My mother was diagnosed, and I fit the criteria, but it's not my psychiatrist's specialty, and I've never brought it up. I was thinking about looking into a clinical psychologist, but after doing research I saw a lot of people online with BPD saying the diagnosis wasn't worth it. That it impacted them negatively. But not knowing if there's something else wrong with me makes my head spin. Because if I don't have another disorder outside of GAD, then clearly I'm the problem (i.e. the personality I've never been able to change throughout years and years of therapy). I can't maintain or build relationships like a normal person, I'm obsessed with making friends, but the concept of socializing stops me in my tracks. I always freeze up and go nonverbal when I'm overwhelmed, it's like my mouth is sewn shut because I know people will hate me when I open it back up.
I've started to drift into the mindset that I should stop blaming my mental health--that my existence as a person is unethical. I know that I'm a bad person, and of course we've all done bad things, but it kind of feels like there's no saving me. I have interests, sometimes I get that high every now and then that makes me want to live. Still, I'm enamored with the idea of committing, like I'd be getting my karma for all the wrongdoings I've committed. Every time I don't hold the door open, every time I lie, every time I get overwhelmingly jealous that my two only friends hang out with their friend group that I'm not a part of. Sometimes I feel like it's not that I want to die, but that I want to get hurt in private, where nobody can see so that I'm not seeking validation. That karmic thing again.
I've "dabbled" in SH, but I've never cut. There's a part of me that just really wants someone else to do it. I fantasize about getting beat up and berated--in a non-sexual way, obviously. I kind of yearn for something that pushes me over the edge to justify CTB that doesn't align with being a self-pitying asshole. After all, I'm getting my BA on scholarship (although not doing very well....), I know I should be grateful. But it's cyclical for me. Because the moment I address the fact that I have it well in certain aspects, I hate myself even more, because I'm undermining other people's experiences.
So I end up in the same boat again where I want someone to tell me to my face that I need my karma and I need to be physically hurt. Of course there's a part of me that still wants to live. If I could have it any way I wanted, I would just wish to be another person with a different brain and a different body. And that's kind of why I feel like CTB would be my karma. Paradoxically, I want to get what I don't want. And in private so that's it's not unethical (like seeking external validation from people who'll go: "oh no actually you're a good person." I don't want to be told that. That just makes me feel like more of a bad person.)
I'm not sure if other people have dealt with this. I think one of the biggest reasons I'm drawn towards CTB is the way I just can't seem to change myself. I want to preface this with the fact that I am not looking for a psuedo-diagnosis online, that is nonsensical, but I do need to get it off my chest.
I'm under the suspicion that I probably have BPD. My mother was diagnosed, and I fit the criteria, but it's not my psychiatrist's specialty, and I've never brought it up. I was thinking about looking into a clinical psychologist, but after doing research I saw a lot of people online with BPD saying the diagnosis wasn't worth it. That it impacted them negatively. But not knowing if there's something else wrong with me makes my head spin. Because if I don't have another disorder outside of GAD, then clearly I'm the problem (i.e. the personality I've never been able to change throughout years and years of therapy). I can't maintain or build relationships like a normal person, I'm obsessed with making friends, but the concept of socializing stops me in my tracks. I always freeze up and go nonverbal when I'm overwhelmed, it's like my mouth is sewn shut because I know people will hate me when I open it back up.
I've started to drift into the mindset that I should stop blaming my mental health--that my existence as a person is unethical. I know that I'm a bad person, and of course we've all done bad things, but it kind of feels like there's no saving me. I have interests, sometimes I get that high every now and then that makes me want to live. Still, I'm enamored with the idea of committing, like I'd be getting my karma for all the wrongdoings I've committed. Every time I don't hold the door open, every time I lie, every time I get overwhelmingly jealous that my two only friends hang out with their friend group that I'm not a part of. Sometimes I feel like it's not that I want to die, but that I want to get hurt in private, where nobody can see so that I'm not seeking validation. That karmic thing again.
I've "dabbled" in SH, but I've never cut. There's a part of me that just really wants someone else to do it. I fantasize about getting beat up and berated--in a non-sexual way, obviously. I kind of yearn for something that pushes me over the edge to justify CTB that doesn't align with being a self-pitying asshole. After all, I'm getting my BA on scholarship (although not doing very well....), I know I should be grateful. But it's cyclical for me. Because the moment I address the fact that I have it well in certain aspects, I hate myself even more, because I'm undermining other people's experiences.
So I end up in the same boat again where I want someone to tell me to my face that I need my karma and I need to be physically hurt. Of course there's a part of me that still wants to live. If I could have it any way I wanted, I would just wish to be another person with a different brain and a different body. And that's kind of why I feel like CTB would be my karma. Paradoxically, I want to get what I don't want. And in private so that's it's not unethical (like seeking external validation from people who'll go: "oh no actually you're a good person." I don't want to be told that. That just makes me feel like more of a bad person.)
Last edited:
