Endless_suffering
I want out
- Jul 12, 2024
- 115
So my parents started abusing alcohol when I was six. Then heroin two years later. They started abusing us kids somewhere in between then. When they would get desperate to get high they would sell one of us girls off to the drug dealers to have sex with them in exchange for drugs. There was four girls and three boys. Back in the 90s boys didn't sell as well. Not in Baltimore to say the least. I've been kicked down stairs. Had my arm spiral fractured by my mom twisting it around behind me coz cops brought me back home after running away from home. I've been beaten with belts and tree branches. My mom told me she wished I was never born that I was a mistake and she tried to abort me. Tho she never stated exactly how. I'm assuming a botched abortion. They would deprive us of food when I was smaller. Until people started realizing and commenting on how small we were then they stopped doing that. We got lucky that people noticed. But they never cared about covering the beatings. Cps had been involved multiple times (child protective services for those not in the United States) when I was 12 they sold me off for drugs. I was a virgin. And 8 months later I watched my big brother blow his brains out. Cps took us away for good after that. But shit only got worse. I eventually wound up in a Maryland state hospital. Where the criminally insane people go. I would bang my head against the wall. Burn myself with erasers. Cut myself with anything I could find. Even paper clips if I could get my hands on them. Staples. I spent more time in four point restraints than I did out of them. The first hospital we were in closed down for I don't remember what reason and they packed us on a bus and moved us to a new location. I spent four years in that hospitalization. I got out and within two weeks I took a three months supply of medications and was sent to yet another state hospital for another four years. This was all ended eleven years ago now but the memories are still locked into my brain. Spending a total of 8 years in those places like I did something wrong instead of my parents paying for their crimes…. They never spent a day in jail. All because my father was a government employee. They got away with everything. Not even community service. My dead brother never even got justice. My parents never even went to his funeral. I live with this nightmares inside my brain every single day. I can't escape it. After I left the state hospital I was homeless for eight years. I wandered the streets. Trying to kill myself in various ways not caring what happened. Mostly ending up in multiple psych wards all over the country as I was a drifter. Maryland, Louisiana, Texas, South Dakota, Georgia, South Carolina and California. Now Utah. I've been in Utah for four years tho. I'm in a bad marriage. Therapy doesn't help. Medications don't help. My best friend says I'm stubborn and I don't let it help but that's not true. I try. I take the meds I do the shit the therapist says but none of it works. I just want out. I did EMDR. I did DBT (for borderline personality disorder) they kept me doing that for two years before I finally said fuck this shit and dropped out, it was too damned much! Only one of the supposed coping skills did jack shit for me the rest felt like brainwashing. I want the pain to go away. I blame myself all the time and I feel like I'm being blamed. I don't know what else to do…
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