My life story for anyone who even cares

[OvertheRainbeaux]

Here's my life story, I've been asked multiple times to post a thread like this and have always been too scared to do so. When I first posted this I wrote it quick and posted without proof reading or fixing the grammatical errors but shoutout to @Diceroller90 for doing that for me it was really helpful. So here it is:


I was born to a mother with severe mental illness. My biologicial father beat my mom while she was pregnant with me and left. When I was born my mother met my step-father, who is my sister's biological father who I considered my real father. Things still were not good because my step-father was severely abusive to me for no particular reason, since the time I was a baby until the time my mom finally left him when I was around ten years old. He would beat me, hit me, call me names to the point where I would often go to a fantasy world in my mind to escape, I became pretty isolated and would stay up in my room, wouldn't ask for anything I needed because I was too scared.

When they broke up, I still would go to visit him with my sister because I still considered him my real father but his girlfriend didn't like me for some reason, saying things like I was not allowed over anymore because I wasn't his real child. I was hurt. So very hurt. I still have a vivid memory of my sister leaving without me for the first time and me looking out the window, that caused me to be more isolated I stayed in the house rarely played with the neighborhood kids and just would stay on the computer.

My mom was also severely depressed she would constantly cry. We were dirt poor. Throughout these years we never had clean clothes or food; and she would always have to ask people for money. To make things worse, most of the time the money she recieved would be spent on cigarettes rather than for things we needed. I grew to resent my mother because of her frivality. During this time I started middle school and I declied from an honor roll student to a "flunk everything" student. I acted out in school which got suspended; my mom never cared. I also was dealing with being a gay male in the closet which in of itself is a battle, and the one thing I can thank my mom for was that she accepted me and helped me come out when I did. That helped me realize she is not all bad. It's also worth mentioning that when I was eleven I met my real dad. I was so excited to have a father of my own like my sisters did and maybe actually a real parent who cared about me. That turned out not to be the case when he walked out on me again and I didn't speak to him for years later.

Anyways during middle school years I developed really bad acne and had a very severe obsession with looks (I started to believe the only way anyone would ever love me and stay is if I was beautiful) so it was real hard because not only was I dealing with getting made fun of for being gay, I had real bad acne to boot. I couldn't connect with anyone or really socialize so the friends I did make I tried to hold on for as long as I could.

High school finally rolls around and I start to think things might be okay. But then my mom had a nervous break down because she had no money, the power was cut off due to nonpayment, and we had Child Protective Services in our life and when they came over she flipped a table. This incident led to my sister and I going into foster care. We were assigned to stay with a family friend which wasn't so bad, but I barely knew them and it caused me resent my mom even more. She also let men in our lives who I would always say I was not comfortable with but accused me of being "selfish, and jealous and not wanting her to be happy" so I believed that and it made me feel horrible even though these men would hit me, and one of them tried molesting me.

Well when I turned 16 I had to get a job bc my mom wasn't taking care of us so I got a job at McDonalds. I had no motivation for school and money was coming in which was even better so I ended up dropping out. Eventually when I turned 19 I moved out and got my own place. Now this is where I finally thought my life would change for the better and I was SO happy. I got into my first serious relationship even though it wasn't serious he was way older than me and had a kid my age and wanted to keep me secret. Ot really hurt me when he said that, but I loved him too much and he seemed to love me.

I remember on his birthday I gave him a card with pictures of us and wrote a beautiful paragraph about how much I cared for him and he threw it out and told me to get rid of the pictures. He then broke up with me later on because he was too nervous of his daughter finding out of his sexuality. The breakup occured around Christmas so my heart was broken and brought me back to the fact that I'm never good enough to be apart of anyone's life and people leave.

Eventually I garnered the strength and willpower to get over the breakup and help a friend of mine. She was one of my best friends from middle school her mom was getting evicted and she had no place to go so I had her come live with me... turned out to be a big mistake. We got a bigger apartment together to have our own rooms, and I even invited her boyfriend to come live with us to help with the bills. Turns out there plan all along was to get rid of me to have there own place which they did they signed a lease behind my back and when we got into an argument decided to kick me out. So I was forced to live with my mom and we would argue and argue. She would force me to give her a lot of money, to let her use my car anytime she asked, to watch my baby brother whenever she decided she was going out and she even got me in trouble with the police. That incident occured because we got into an argument where she told me she wouldn't care if I was dead and I pushed her and it escalated into a legal matter.

So then I moved in with another friend who eventually turned out to be the same thing when she got a boyfriend, and I ended up losing my job. I had to move back in with my mom again I'm 22 now. And then I meet this new guy who I really fell for and I thought he fell for me but then he just became distant and weird and when I tried to find out why just dismiss my feelings and say I'm over reacting so I just let it fade away and then my ex from before came back into my life whispering beautiful fantasies again and saying he changed and wanted to marry me but then I guess I messed it up and he wants nothing to do with me again and blocked me on everything. I'm all alone in this world. And nobody gets the pain I'm in and why I'm all alone. And I've been so self aware of how negative thinking can create negative circumstances that even when I was a kid I would google "how to be happy, how to be secure with yourself, how to be confident" and try to put those steps in place to help and better myself, went to therapy, got medicated and nothing helped me. I'm at my last straw in this world and life.

 

[Elekrel]

Hey, I am sorry to hear about you're story. I want to say that you are strong. You are not who they told you, you are. And we will fight for the future, where to love without restriction is celebrated and two men's hands touching is not looked upon with disgust but it is known to be natural and stunning and unstoppable, and two women gazing into each other's eyes is not just tolerated, it is beautiful, as all love is. We are a fire, and we are not a gentle flame, we are not a pretty candle in the wind, we are blazing and roaring and we will burn the hatred and fear and prejudice to the ground, and from the ashes we will rebuild a better world, built from love and hope and belief, we will build a world knowing that to love is beautiful and to be loved is beautiful and we will replace hatred and violence with kisses and touch and pride.

It will not be perfect or picturesque, it will be angry and blazing and fearless, stunning and moving, tears and smiles and screams, laughter, uncontainable, we will not be forgotten or downtrodden or shunted to the side, we are unforgettable, irrefutable, unstoppable.

I would totally hug you if I could right now. I know you are struggling right now, but you can always message me if you want someone to rant too.

 

[OvertheRainbeaux]

Hey, I am sorry to hear about you're story. I want to say that you are strong. You are not who they told you, you are. And we will fight for the future, where to love without restriction is celebrated and two men's hands touching is not looked upon with disgust but it is known to be natural and stunning and unstoppable, and two women gazing into each other's eyes is not just tolerated, it is beautiful, as all love is. We are a fire, and we are not a gentle flame, we are not a pretty candle in the wind, we are blazing and roaring and we will burn the hatred and fear and prejudice to the ground, and from the ashes we will rebuild a better world, built from love and hope and belief, we will build a world knowing that to love is beautiful and to be loved is beautiful and we will replace hatred and violence with kisses and touch and pride.

It will not be perfect or picturesque, it will be angry and blazing and fearless, stunning and moving, tears and smiles and screams, laughter, uncontainable, we will not be forgotten or downtrodden or shunted to the side, we are unforgettable, irrefutable, unstoppable.

I would totally hug you if I could right now. I know you are struggling right now, but you can always message me if you want someone to rant too.

Thank you that was beautiful.

 

[Diceroller90]

I hope you do not take this the wrong way, but I have a hard time reading non-formatted threads. So I went through and added paragraphs where I thought they belonged and I am going to post that edit here to ensure as many people can read what you wrote as possible. I also did proof reading as well to help out. Didn't have too much time since I basically live at work, I no joke have a sleeping bag here for my often late nights, but it is a lot more readable and helped me better understand your plight.

I was born to a mother with severe mental illness. My biologicial father beat my mom while she was pregnant with me and left. When I was born my mother met my step-father, who is my sister's biological father who I considered my real father. Things still were not good because my step-father was severely abusive to me for no particular reason, since the time I was a baby until the time my mom finally left him when I was around ten years old. He would beat me, hit me, call me names to the point where I would often go to a fantasy world in my mind to escape, I became pretty isolated and would stay up in my room, wouldn't ask for anything I needed because I was too scared.

When they broke up, I still would go to visit him with my sister because I still considered him my real father but his girlfriend didn't like me for some reason, saying things like I was not allowed over anymore because I wasn't his real child. I was hurt. So very hurt. I still have a vivid memory of my sister leaving without me for the first time and me looking out the window, that caused me to be more isolated I stayed in the house rarely played with the neighborhood kids and just would stay on the computer.

My mom was also severely depressed she would constantly cry. We were dirt poor. Throughout these years we never had clean clothes or food; and she would always have to ask people for money. To make things worse, most of the time the money she recieved would be spent on cigarettes rather than for things we needed. I grew to resent my mother because of her frivality. During this time I started middle school and I declied from an honor roll student to a "flunk everything" student. I acted out in school which got suspended; my mom never cared. I also was dealing with being a gay male in the closet which in of itself is a battle, and the one thing I can thank my mom for was that she accepted me and helped me come out when I did. That helped me realize she is not all bad. It's also worth mentioning that when I was eleven I met my real dad. I was so excited to have a father of my own like my sisters did and maybe actually a real parent who cared about me. That turned out not to be the case when he walked out on me again and I didn't speak to him for years later.

Anyways during middle school years I developed really bad acne and had a very severe obsession with looks (I started to believe the only way anyone would ever love me and stay is if I was beautiful) so it was real hard because not only was I dealing with getting made fun of for being gay, I had real bad acne to boot. I couldn't connect with anyone or really socialize so the friends I did make I tried to hold on for as long as I could.

High school finally rolls around and I start to think things might be okay. But then my mom had a nervous break down because she had no money, the power was cut off due to nonpayment, and we had dcf (Editor's Note: What is DCF?) in our life and when they came over she flipped a table. This incident led to my sister and I going into foster care. We were assigned to stay with a family friend which wasn't so bad, but I barely knew them and it caused me resent my mom even more. She also let men in our lives who I would always say I was not comfortable with but accused me of being "selfish, and jealous and not wanting her to be happy" so I believed that and it made me feel horrible even though these men would hit me, and one of them tried molesting me.

Well when I turned 16 I had to get a job bc my mom wasn't taking care of us so I got a job at McDonalds. I had no motivation for school and money was coming in which was even better so I ended up dropping out. Eventually when I turned 19 I moved out and got my own place. Now this is where I finally thought my life would change for the better and I was SO happy. I got into my first serious relationship even though it wasn't serious he was way older than me and had a kid my age and wanted to keep me secret. Ot really hurt me when he said that, but I loved him too much and he seemed to love me.

I remember on his birthday I gave him a card with pictures of us and wrote a beautiful paragraph about how much I cared for him and he threw it out and told me to get rid of the pictures. He then broke up with me later on because he was too nervous of his daughter finding out of his sexuality. The breakup occured around Christmas so my heart was broken and brought me back to the fact that I'm never good enough to be apart of anyone's life and people leave.

Eventually I garnered the strength and willpower to get over the breakup and help a friend of mine. She was one of my best friends from middle school her mom was getting evicted and she had no place to go so I had her come live with me... turned out to be a big mistake. We got a bigger apartment together to have our own rooms, and I even invited her boyfriend to come live with us to help with the bills. Turns out there plan all along was to get rid of me to have there own place which they did they signed a lease behind my back and when we got into an argument decided to kick me out. So I was forced to live with my mom and we would argue and argue. She would force me to give her a lot of money, to let her use my car anytime she asked, to watch my baby brother whenever she decided she was going out and she even got me in trouble with the police. That incident occured because we got into an argument where she told me she wouldn't care if I was dead and I pushed her and it escalated into a legal matter.

So then I moved in with another friend who eventually turned out to be the same thing when she got a boyfriend, and I ended up losing my job. I had to move back in with my mom again I'm 22 now. And then I meet this new guy who I really fell for and I thought he fell for me but then he just became distant and weird and when I tried to find out why just dismiss my feelings and say I'm over reacting so I just let it fade away and then my ex from before came back into my life whispering beautiful fantasies again and saying he changed and wanted to marry me but then I guess I messed it up and he wants nothing to do with me again and blocked me on everything. I'm all alone in this world. And nobody gets the pain I'm in and why I'm all alone. And I've been so self aware of how negative thinking can create negative circumstances that even when I was a kid I would google "how to be happy, how to be secure with yourself, how to be confident" and try to put those steps in place to help and better myself, went to therapy, got medicated and nothing helped me. I'm at my last straw in this world and life.

 

[Broken Chimera]

You got stuck around a bunch of self centered users. People who don't mind running over you to get what they want. Ik what that's like and I'm sorry.

Best thing to do is to save up to leave then go no contact. I feel bad for you and hope your life gets better.

 

[OvertheRainbeaux]

I hope you do not take this the wrong way, but I have a hard time reading non-formatted threads. So I went through and added paragraphs where I thought they belonged and I am going to post that edit here to ensure as many people can read what you wrote as possible. I also did proof reading as well to help out. Didn't have too much time since I basically live at work, I no joke have a sleeping bag here for my often late nights, but it is a lot more readable and helped me better understand your plight.

No offense taken whatsoever, this was a tough post for me to do so I just did it quick and posted it . That's why I left that little disclaimer at the end so I really appreciate you doing that for me I'll probably copy and paste this and repost.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Thank you for sharing your story.

You didn't say you sought input, so skip the rest of this post if you don't want any, okay?












___________________________
Others' actions are a reflection of them, not of you.

You may ask, Well then, why does it keep happening to me?

If I think about it.....these patterns of victim/victimizer behavior have always been in the world. But they seem to have become rampant in the West over the past 20-30 years with online technology. And you didn't get the foundation to know how to protect yourself, it wasn't validated, you even saw your mom was dating shitty men and they intentionally manipulated you so that they could have influence, not you. So you had to shut off your danger detctor and your bullshit detector.

All that stuff you're googling, sure it can help, but maybe some resources to help you recognize manipulative behaviors will help you to connect with the okay self you always were and maybe had to set aside in order to survive a childhood environment that was out of control. If you want suggestions, I put them at the end of this post after the hug.

I know you hurt. I empathize. I can't make any of it better. At the very, very least, I'm glad that you did not become a victimizer, too. I didn't either. I struggle with that as I consider all the steps to ctb, remaining decent and not screwing my parents at the end, though I've finally recognized it is justifiable.

Sending a safe, non-intrusive hug if wanted.


Reources: The book Boundaries (you can ignore the Christian acrobatics and the my-shit-don't-stink tone of the authors), the book Wolf In Sheep's Clothing to recognize manipulative behaviors (esp. the guy who ghosted you), and by Patricia Evans, the books Controlling People and Victory Over Verbal Abuse.

 

[Zoltiel]

I'm sorry your life turned out this way. It doesn't seem like there was anything you could have done for things to have turned out differently, things were out of your control. Some of us are unfortunate enough to be born in these circumstances, it is a fact of life. My only hope is to CTB.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Thank you for sharing your story.

You didn't say you sought input, so skip the rest of this post if you don't want any, okay?












___________________________
Others' actions are a reflection of them, not of you.

You may ask, Well then, why does it keep happening to me?

If I think about it.....these patterns of victim/victimizer behavior have always been in the world. But they seem to have become rampant in the West over the past 20-30 years with online technology. And you didn't get the foundation to know how to protect yourself, it wasn't validated, you even saw your mom was dating shitty men and they intentionally manipulated you so that they could have influence, not you. So you had to shut off your danger detctor and your bullshit detector.

All that stuff you're googling, sure it can help, but maybe some resources to help you recognize manipulative behaviors will help you to connect with the okay self you always were and maybe had to set aside in order to survive a childhood environment that was out of control. If you want suggestions, I put them at the end of this post after the hug.

I know you hurt. I empathize. I can't make any of it better. At the very, very least, I'm glad that you did not become a victimizer, too. I didn't either. I struggle with that as I consider all the steps to ctb, remaining decent and not screwing my parents at the end, though I've finally recognized it is justifiable.

Sending a safe, non-intrusive hug if wanted.


Reources: The book Boundaries (you can ignore the Christian acrobatics and the my-shit-don't-stink tone of the authors), the book Wolf In Sheep's Clothing to recognize manipulative behaviors (esp. the guy who ghosted you), and by Patricia Evans, the books Controlling People and Victory Over Verbal Abuse.

Correction: The book is In Sheep's Clothing, no wolf in the title.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I'm sorry for all your suffering. I hope it gets better for you.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

You got stuck around a bunch of self centered users. People who don't mind running over you to get what they want. Ik what that's like and I'm sorry.

Best thing to do is to save up to leave then go no contact. I feel bad for you and hope your life gets better.

So damn true... so damn true

 

[Final Escape]

I had a similar childhood and it ruined my adulthood. I wish I could say don't give up because people who come from this shit sometimes are better off bc u werent born into a spoiled rotten get everything handed to u environment. You were actually on your way to improving your situation but yes u need to become more aware to spot abusers and potentially bad situations. You also need to make friends but maybe change how u meet people to meet better quality pple.