my life right now

[bugjanelane]

i am tired. everyday is the exact same, wake up, go to school, go home, smoke, sleep. im left with complete guilt for constantly wanting to escape everything & jst die bc i have family & my boyfriend & i know my mom would lose her mind. i have no friends bc my bf is controlling, everyone at school hates me anyways. im about to graduate high school & i have no plans for anything. gpas too low for college. not really good at anything anyways. walking the halls at school feels horrible, feeling like everyones looking & judging from whatever rumor theyve heard abt me. i have nothing but my mom & my boyfriend & i feel selfish for wanting to die when i have them. theyre great people. i am not. i am selfish & jst rlly fucking annoying, never good enough

i know one day im gonna muster up the courage to finally end it but for now, im stuck, dont know how much more i can take

 

[Pluto]

Sorry to hear you are going through this.

At your age, one of the hardest things is to know what is 'normal' and what is 'OK'. If you are discouraged from having friends, your BF may have narcissistic tendencies. (I say this because my mother never had friends, due largely to Nfather.) If so, you are being drained of energy and there is going to be all sorts of abuse happening and then covered up with gaslighting. Without guidance, you'd have no idea what is really going on.

If you feel like they are great people and you are not, that could indicate you have had impossible expectations put on you and been set up to fail. Parents can be negligent and then blame their offspring, or pretend that everything is fine even as abuse is happening.

If you have access to a counsellor at school, I would suggest starting there.

 

[Lavender Dreams]

I'm sorry, it's always depressing when people feel this way at your age. Shouldn't happen. It appears to me that you feel this way because of your current circumstances, and a setting change could do you some good. My suggestion would be to drop the bf asap if they're controlling, and don't allow you to have friends. Don't miss out on years of your life for nothing, you'll regret it a lot later. Maybe try and engage with hobbies, groups in your area (the ones on meetup app can be decent), or volunteering outside of school to make friends. You can end yourself anytime, but at least go through any other option available to you first.

 

[FuneralCry]

It does sound tiring being in that situation and I get that it can be hard to carry on existing when you feel trapped in a life that you hate. Existing can certainly be painful and depressing but I wish you the best.