I remember the day I lost my GSD, she had to be euthanized due to severe hip dysplasia , it was one of the saddest days of my life, and only a few months after i lost my mother. Back then I did not know how peaceful euthanizing is for an animal. I said that I will never get a dog again, it is too traumatic to lose them. I think I feel a bit different now that I know how it works (Nembutal injection).
2010 - My father tried to commit suicide on my childhood bed. Sister phoned me one day and said I must go to his house, because he said he is going to commit suicide. I found him unconscious after he took an overdose Amitriptyline I phoned 911, he was incubated for 1 week. His estranged family (brother) accused me for his suicide attempt, but soon changed his mind and no longer wants anything to do with my father.
2006 - Me, my x-gf and my cousin went clubbing, cousin went missing and we went looking for her, found her laying in an alley, cut her wrists, phoned 911, watch her getting stitched up in hospital. A few days later I asked her to get help, she got mad at me, and so we lost contact. In 2015 she committed suicide, jumped in the sea, body was found on shore, it was all over the news, as her father is a mayor.
2006 - A guy sent me a message on Facebook, saying "please don't stop writing", he refereed to the poetry that I wrote. I thought he was a stalker and I banned him. A few months later I received the news that he was my half brother, and he committed suicide. Worked for the police, got PTSD.
In 2003 my mother died of cancer. I was about 20 years old.
My best friend of 18 years also died in 2018, this happened while I was away. I tried to phone him when i got back 5 days later, no answer, send Skype message, no answer. I phoned his sister and she said he passed away (not suicide). This phone called happened while i was walking in a mall, i remember that I just felt numb, I did not know what to say or do.
I had a tough childhood which consisted mostly of physical and mental abuse. Diagnosed with serious health issues at the age of 6 , and which required ongoing surgical treatment. I left school early because of chronic pain. I had brain, spine and chest surgery which ultimately left me disabled . My spinal cord is damaged, as-well as my chest (intercostal muscles and nerves) after 4 prominent ribs were removed. If you look at me walking in a mall you would not think that my body is damaged the way it is, x-rays and mri's reveals the train-wreck that i am. Lots of metal, missing ribs, fused vertebrate, cyst in spinalcord (which caused all the other conditions) etc....
Two months ago I walked down a staircase and lost total control of my legs and arms, they went into spasm, went straight into a concrete wall, head first. I thought "this is it" i am paralyzed. The spinal cord problems I have caused this episode. I crawled in my apartment for two days, not knowing whether i am paralyzed or not. I did not want to go to hospital. I rather wanted to wait, took lots of morphine, a "central nervous system reset" as i call it. I often get new symptoms like this, i have learned to not get upset and wait it out, but not being able to stand on your feet, and not being able to feel your legs is quite upsetting.
I have heaps of benzodiazepines and opioids in my apartment , never felt the need to abuse them, don't like the feeling of being sedated. Had enough of it during my teenage years....but OCD is my coping mechanism. I would get obsessed by one thing for about 2-3weeks, and then all the sudden I would loose complete interest. It is pretty bad, and an expensive condition to have.
I know what it feels like to find someone unconscious, after an attempted suicide, it really destroys one from the inside. I don't have a close relationship with my father as he is abusive and told me that he never wanted a child like me (disabled), he tried to leave a message that day, the day he tried to commit suicide on my childhood bed.
I myself have never attempted suicide (thought about it a zillion tines) , but never attempted to. My physical health is really bad, and I am living in complete isolation. I am considering options (as some of you know), at the same time I will try everything i can to stay alive. There will come a time when the fight for survival is over. People sometimes ask why I am still fighting the fight, the reasons;
1. I know what I have now. I don't have verifiable data of what I will have after life. I am agnostic when it comes to death, I say I don't know when I don't know, and I really don't know. Scientist don't know, no one knows. Science only knows about the observable universe, they don't know a lot about the grand scheme of things, consciousness is still a mistery to neuroscientists, they say they don't know. How can say I know when modern science tells me that they don't know? (rhetorical question).
2. I had good times in my life, even under the circumstances of chronic pain, depression and OCD. I know how good life can be, the joy in the little things.
3. Buddhist teachings "ruined it for me". if I commit suicide I will have to ignore all the wisdom I got from Buddhist Philosophy (about suffering, that life is suffering, how to deal with it..etc). I cant go back and change what I have learned, sometimes i wish i could do that, turn the clock back. There is this saying "if you know better then you do better" , it haunts me everyday, yet I still study daily, about the cosmos and philosophy, which makes it really hard to quit. I will have to say ok "i know you right, but i am going to do what i want to do" and I have done that so many times in the past, and it did not turn out in my favor.
4. A question that often comes up is "how can you expect to feel good when you do this, whatever this is?"
5. It takes strength to give up, and it takes strength to fight for survival.
I don't know what I am going to do in attempt to make a comeback, or if going to do so to begin with. I just don't know.
Ok rant is over, non of the above applies to you personally, please don't think that, not directed at you at all. I am not telling you what to do with your life. I am just telling you how I got where I am today, and that i don't know what decisions i will make, who knows?
PS: English is not my first language.
2010 - My father tried to commit suicide on my childhood bed. Sister phoned me one day and said I must go to his house, because he said he is going to commit suicide. I found him unconscious after he took an overdose Amitriptyline I phoned 911, he was incubated for 1 week. His estranged family (brother) accused me for his suicide attempt, but soon changed his mind and no longer wants anything to do with my father.
2006 - Me, my x-gf and my cousin went clubbing, cousin went missing and we went looking for her, found her laying in an alley, cut her wrists, phoned 911, watch her getting stitched up in hospital. A few days later I asked her to get help, she got mad at me, and so we lost contact. In 2015 she committed suicide, jumped in the sea, body was found on shore, it was all over the news, as her father is a mayor.
2006 - A guy sent me a message on Facebook, saying "please don't stop writing", he refereed to the poetry that I wrote. I thought he was a stalker and I banned him. A few months later I received the news that he was my half brother, and he committed suicide. Worked for the police, got PTSD.
In 2003 my mother died of cancer. I was about 20 years old.
My best friend of 18 years also died in 2018, this happened while I was away. I tried to phone him when i got back 5 days later, no answer, send Skype message, no answer. I phoned his sister and she said he passed away (not suicide). This phone called happened while i was walking in a mall, i remember that I just felt numb, I did not know what to say or do.
I had a tough childhood which consisted mostly of physical and mental abuse. Diagnosed with serious health issues at the age of 6 , and which required ongoing surgical treatment. I left school early because of chronic pain. I had brain, spine and chest surgery which ultimately left me disabled . My spinal cord is damaged, as-well as my chest (intercostal muscles and nerves) after 4 prominent ribs were removed. If you look at me walking in a mall you would not think that my body is damaged the way it is, x-rays and mri's reveals the train-wreck that i am. Lots of metal, missing ribs, fused vertebrate, cyst in spinalcord (which caused all the other conditions) etc....
Two months ago I walked down a staircase and lost total control of my legs and arms, they went into spasm, went straight into a concrete wall, head first. I thought "this is it" i am paralyzed. The spinal cord problems I have caused this episode. I crawled in my apartment for two days, not knowing whether i am paralyzed or not. I did not want to go to hospital. I rather wanted to wait, took lots of morphine, a "central nervous system reset" as i call it. I often get new symptoms like this, i have learned to not get upset and wait it out, but not being able to stand on your feet, and not being able to feel your legs is quite upsetting.
I have heaps of benzodiazepines and opioids in my apartment , never felt the need to abuse them, don't like the feeling of being sedated. Had enough of it during my teenage years....but OCD is my coping mechanism. I would get obsessed by one thing for about 2-3weeks, and then all the sudden I would loose complete interest. It is pretty bad, and an expensive condition to have.
I know what it feels like to find someone unconscious, after an attempted suicide, it really destroys one from the inside. I don't have a close relationship with my father as he is abusive and told me that he never wanted a child like me (disabled), he tried to leave a message that day, the day he tried to commit suicide on my childhood bed.
I myself have never attempted suicide (thought about it a zillion tines) , but never attempted to. My physical health is really bad, and I am living in complete isolation. I am considering options (as some of you know), at the same time I will try everything i can to stay alive. There will come a time when the fight for survival is over. People sometimes ask why I am still fighting the fight, the reasons;
1. I know what I have now. I don't have verifiable data of what I will have after life. I am agnostic when it comes to death, I say I don't know when I don't know, and I really don't know. Scientist don't know, no one knows. Science only knows about the observable universe, they don't know a lot about the grand scheme of things, consciousness is still a mistery to neuroscientists, they say they don't know. How can say I know when modern science tells me that they don't know? (rhetorical question).
2. I had good times in my life, even under the circumstances of chronic pain, depression and OCD. I know how good life can be, the joy in the little things.
3. Buddhist teachings "ruined it for me". if I commit suicide I will have to ignore all the wisdom I got from Buddhist Philosophy (about suffering, that life is suffering, how to deal with it..etc). I cant go back and change what I have learned, sometimes i wish i could do that, turn the clock back. There is this saying "if you know better then you do better" , it haunts me everyday, yet I still study daily, about the cosmos and philosophy, which makes it really hard to quit. I will have to say ok "i know you right, but i am going to do what i want to do" and I have done that so many times in the past, and it did not turn out in my favor.
4. A question that often comes up is "how can you expect to feel good when you do this, whatever this is?"
5. It takes strength to give up, and it takes strength to fight for survival.
I don't know what I am going to do in attempt to make a comeback, or if going to do so to begin with. I just don't know.
Ok rant is over, non of the above applies to you personally, please don't think that, not directed at you at all. I am not telling you what to do with your life. I am just telling you how I got where I am today, and that i don't know what decisions i will make, who knows?
PS: English is not my first language.
