Discussion My life is going well, yet i have no desire to continue to do this for the next 60+ years

[Ghastly]

Basically the title. I have had depression for years, it's just part of my personality now. I'm content in my life and make strides to improve myself my career, etc. I have goals and am organized and have passions and hobbies I love. My family is strong and stable and loving. I do lack a lot of friends and an authentic intimate relationship though. Overall I'm satisfied and if I'm not I change my circumstances. I do not suffer from paralysis of decisions, rather I am reasonably reactive in a measured manner.


However I want to ctb in the next two years or so because I don't want to keep going forever. I am of the ilk that it's the exhaustion of everyday life that removes the possibility of my future happiness. I do get bogged down in the minutiae of life partly due to my ADHD for which I am appropriately medicated.

Does anyone else feel similarly? I am unsure if I will ever follow through as my outlook may change. The prospect of ctb is very calming and brings immense relief. Thoughts?

 

[Empty Smile]

I'm almost 50 and life hasn't improved. I don't even want to go another 2 years.

 

[gnrluver0105]

I feel exactly the way you did, I have a below average life, not so bad like other people around here, even so, thinking of doing this for another 40 years or more (I have 29 yr), it's so unbearable to me

 

[Jen Erik]

I share a similar view. Also, I would rather die before I have a whole host of problems that are even worse than the ones I have now. Doing it because I am in crisis or in a state of dire desperation isn't the way I want it.

 

[Ghastly]

Thanks Jen, it really is to avoid a later inevitable problem or to avoid the horror of wanting to die and then having a child or a spouse (in my case) that will make it so much harder and rushed.


The utter exhaustion of life is overbearing. I find so much relief in having a plan ready to go, even if I don't follow through right away.

 

[Lifeisatrap]

Yeah, living is a gamble, the longer you live, the longer the gamble. Would rather quit while I'm ahead. Leave on a high note, never been one for gambling. Despite having a descent life by comparison I have no interests in anything. Am completely detached from this world. So days seem to go by longer for me. Death is the only thing I look forward to but it's taking too damn long and I'm tired of waiting. Wish I could take action now but fear of failing keeps me here.

 

[stargazer]

Yeah, living is a gamble, the longer you live, the longer the gamble. Would rather quit while I'm ahead. Leave on a high note, never been one for gambling. Despite having a descent life by comparison I have no interests in anything. Am completely detached from this world. So days seem to go by longer for me. Death is the only thing I look forward to but it's taking too damn long and I'm tired of waiting. Wish I could take action now but fear of failing keeps me here.

This. This is exactly the outlook I feel too. I'm quite an optimist/pessimist. I'm pessimistic about life, optimistic about CTB.
I do feel I take a gamble every time I wake up and go to sleep. Life is full of dangers, risks. The pleasures are few and far between and are not enough to block out the cold reality. Life is scary...

 

[Ghastly]

Yeah, living is a gamble, the longer you live, the longer the gamble. Would rather quit while I'm ahead. Leave on a high note, never been one for gambling. Despite having a descent life by comparison I have no interests in anything. Am completely detached from this world. So days seem to go by longer for me. Death is the only thing I look forward to but it's taking too damn long and I'm tired of waiting. Wish I could take action now but fear of failing keeps me here.

Yes the analogy of gambling is quite close to what I feel! It's as if I were in the middle of an OK book but decided not to spend the next twelve hours reading and instead got a cup of tea. Why would I continue on if it's laborious and ultimately unnecessary and purely exhaustive?

 

[3dworldsucks]

for me personally, life is just dull if you dont have a loved one, thats the reason I lack the motivation to continue living.

 

[9thousand]

This is exactly how I feel. I've never been able to articulate that feeling. I can't imagine tolerating year after years after year... I always knew that I wouldn't live that long, that it was inevitable.