Venting My life is fucking worthless.

[Livingvsdying25]

My life means nothing. At least to me rn.

I knew I'd regret replying to messages. I knew it. And yet I did bc I am a fucking moron.

At the very least.... at least stress will amplify the thyriod storm and hopefully kill me sooner.

I don't wanna hear fake shit about being valued. That's not true and I don't believe it anymore. I don't believe that anyone genuinely cares. I just force them to care bc of how fucked up my life/health is.

If I'm not dead by Friday I'm gonna get drunk as hell and jump off a bridge. Its raining all weekend so that's the perfect weather for me.


I don't want to live in this world anymore. I just wanna get more cannabis products and wait to fucking die. Maybe I need to do more to push this thyroid storm further.

The agitation is getting to be very very high. That's how I knew that something was going on tbh. Like yeah I'm hot blooded but usually for more reasons. Now? Sometimes I'll just be thinking and feel agitated.

Anyway... that's all... I don't believe in any care anymore. I don't believe in love and I sure as hell don't believe anyone loves me. I'm done.


I have 2 bridges in mind and 1 of em is easier to access. So... yeah my end is soon to come.

 

[MrDarkness]

Hey bro, I see life is getting very tough at the moment, I hope your able to ride through it, If not I hope you find peace, I'll cya soon. I hope life turns around

 

[Lostandlooking]

I'm so sorry you're in this mess. I'm just a stranger and have little to offer, I just wanted to let you know I know (and most people on SS know) how painful life can be. And how hard it is to push through all that stress and screaming, burning panic. Day after day after day.

You find yourself changing, no longer able to believe in the things you used to believe in.

If life truly gets unbearable I wish you good luck with the method of your choice. Wish things could change.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

My life means nothing. At least to me rn.

I knew I'd regret replying to messages. I knew it. And yet I did bc I am a fucking moron.

At the very least.... at least stress will amplify the thyriod storm and hopefully kill me sooner.

I don't wanna hear fake shit about being valued. That's not true and I don't believe it anymore. I don't believe that anyone genuinely cares. I just force them to care bc of how fucked up my life/health is.

If I'm not dead by Friday I'm gonna get drunk as hell and jump off a bridge. Its raining all weekend so that's the perfect weather for me.


I don't want to live in this world anymore. I just wanna get more cannabis products and wait to fucking die. Maybe I need to do more to push this thyroid storm further.

The agitation is getting to be very very high. That's how I knew that something was going on tbh. Like yeah I'm hot blooded but usually for more reasons. Now? Sometimes I'll just be thinking and feel agitated.

Anyway... that's all... I don't believe in any care anymore. I don't believe in love and I sure as hell don't believe anyone loves me. I'm done.


I have 2 bridges in mind and 1 of em is easier to access. So... yeah my end is soon to come.

Fell asleep again and just woke up to some funds and ordered some cannabis products should help with agitation and anxiety...

Now I just gotta make sure I can keep myself awake long enough for it to be delivered.

If ima die soon anyway I'd like to spend my days in good CBD effects.


My deathwish is the same and most likely will not change and I'm not even tryna change it. I have therapy tmrw but I might just cancel bc again wtf is there to talk about if I'm set on dying? There's isnt. My therapist is alright with suicidality but eh. I'll see.


Im not in the mood for anything anymore though. I'm not in the mood to try to be convinced of anything.

I just want this illness to kill me or I'm just going to kill myself.

Jumping off a bridge is scary but my survival instincts are at an all time low. It's a method that doesn't require my brain to be together enough & it makes death certain.


If I can't jump I'll look into drowning myself. If I can't drown I'll hang. If I can't hang i'll buy SN. If SN isn't accessible/I'm not able to I'm going to buy nitrogen.


Im dying either way and soon.

Fell asleep again and just woke up to some funds and ordered some cannabis products should help with agitation and anxiety...

Now I just gotta make sure I can keep myself awake long enough for it to be delivered.

If ima die soon anyway I'd like to spend my days in good CBD effects.


My deathwish is the same and most likely will not change and I'm not even tryna change it. I have therapy tmrw but I might just cancel bc again wtf is there to talk about if I'm set on dying? There's isnt. My therapist is alright with suicidality but eh. I'll see.


Im not in the mood for anything anymore though. I'm not in the mood to try to be convinced of anything.

I just want this illness to kill me or I'm just going to kill myself.

Jumping off a bridge is scary but my survival instincts are at an all time low. It's a method that doesn't require my brain to be together enough & it makes death certain.


If I can't jump I'll look into drowning myself. If I can't drown I'll hang. If I can't hang i'll buy SN. If SN isn't accessible/I'm not able to I'm going to buy nitrogen.


Im dying either way and soon.

Cannabis order came. The guy said something to me about "something being downstairs??" But I didn't hear him clearly so who knows

My friend who was gonna take me to the hospital asked how im doing/my throat. I said it's feeling worse. She offered to take me to the hospital said she is coming now ok?

And I said no and explained that even tho mentally I'm triggered from my Dad and brother yesterday and aware that im in an emotional flashback mindset... I'm suicidal and If this is fatal ima let it kill me. (Im paraphrasing) she hasn't responded and I can only hope she isn't coming and also is choosing to just not bother with me. I appreciate the care of others but rn I just feel like a burden and love from others doesn't feel real or justified.

All that to say I'm hungry but not starving... very interesting. Usually would have needed to force myself to eat but it seems like ima be able to keep starving today. I like that. Yes im unwell and yes my eating disorder is also triggered. Its a sick game of feeling proud to ignore my bodies natural functions.

Took some CBN/CBD capsules and I'm going back to sleep.

It's essentially 8:30 sooo am done for the day. More method research tmrw.

Night y'all