Venting my life is falling apart and everything i do just makes it worse

[thebelljar]

earlier this year i was in a really awful emotionally abusive relationship and i swear that shit changed my brain chemistry . he would constantly cheat on me and lie and he really did ruin both my perception of love and myself . i ended the relationship in may after i found out he cheated for the nth time but i found out i was pregnant with his kid so i had to maintain contact with him (later i found out the only reason he stayed in my life after he found out i was pregnant was to have the ability to fuck up my head even more, this is almost verbatim from his text messages) i told him i owed him no exclusivity but he promised me he would be loyal to me (obviously a lie and i knew it) so although i definitely wasn't in the right headspace to , i explored other connections . he found out and called me a cheater and we're both part of a relatively large group of friends and acquaintances and completely ruined my reputation and told everyone i was the manipulative and emotionally abusive one . for reference i have been diagnosed with bpd, so the stigma that follows it made me convince myself that maybe i really was the problem and i was gaslighting myself into believing i was the victim . fast forward i meet someone else and i don't really plan on having anything serious with him but it happens and my ex finds out and him and his friends leak very very vulnerable text screenshots (that he found by going through my mac) to everyone . to my friends , my sorority , like they went out of their way to reach out to these people . i still have my current bf by my side but holy shit everyone hates me and everyones telling him to leave me and im failing my classes and i think im about to be kicked out of college , i have no family support system and because of so many factors i attempted to ctb by mdma overdose . i took 2g so i actually have no idea how im still functioning .
and then the news that i tried to od spread again and the very very few friends i had left thought i was a lost cause and i feel completely alone expect for my bf . i don't understand why i need to be punished or how this got out in the first place and i look at the girl i was before i met my ex and i was doing so good for myself and i miss her more than anything . i hate being a relationship centered person and i have so many issues in my life but everyone is telling me it's selfish to kill myself and that im taking the easy way out and my brain is so fried that i can't even articulate how im feeling and i don't even know where to start

 

[F@#$]

Your so called friends suck.

 

[thebelljar]

Your so called friends suck.

yeah or SOMETHING . but it's so hard to make new friends in this generation