bea_bivng
Catbun
- Jul 16, 2023
- 18
I already apologize for the bad English, it's not my first language
I come here just to pronounce myself, I am close to completing the diagnosis and after almost 20 years I discovered that I am on the autistic spectrum, it is still hard for me to believe but after discussing with my mother and she has already identified the traits in her and my brother I believe that the doctor may be right.
But what makes me the saddest is that I could have dealt with it much earlier, I feel like now I ruined my teenage years by not knowing who I really was, I'm currently friendless, I have no contact with people my age, I suffer to leave the house and do things alone, last year was when my thoughts of suicide increased, and I've been dealing with it since I was 5 that I can remember, only things intensified when I started cutting myself almost every day, I tried miserably cbt 3 times but it turned out that medicines were not enough.
I'm currently going to therapy and trying to get better, my Psycho says I'm already better compared to the beginning of this year (when I started treatment) but I feel like I'm fooling her because I still have thoughts about sh, I know I don't want to die yet, but when the adults in the house talk about the end of the world, religion, lgbtqia +, in pejorative and exaggerated tones I feel that the only escape would be to kill myself.
I try to deal with it by drawing and it's what keeps me here I want to be famous, but sometimes I feel like neglecting my mental health for so many years stopped me from focusing on the things I loved to listen to what others wanted to say about what I should or shouldn't do with my life.
It's funny how after my near diagnosis the weight I felt for being different has almost disappeared, I now know that my "obsessions" were hyperfoco, and one of them is wanting to do my job in this case drawing, however I don't think the adults in the house are happy about that.
I'm just pretending to be better (even I don't know) because my last sh alarmed everyone, and I want to keep marking my skin but I need to pretend I'm okay so they don't hospitalize me.
It's hard being a woman.
Sorry if it's confusing, I know what I mean but putting it into words is more complicated than it sounds.
I come here just to pronounce myself, I am close to completing the diagnosis and after almost 20 years I discovered that I am on the autistic spectrum, it is still hard for me to believe but after discussing with my mother and she has already identified the traits in her and my brother I believe that the doctor may be right.
But what makes me the saddest is that I could have dealt with it much earlier, I feel like now I ruined my teenage years by not knowing who I really was, I'm currently friendless, I have no contact with people my age, I suffer to leave the house and do things alone, last year was when my thoughts of suicide increased, and I've been dealing with it since I was 5 that I can remember, only things intensified when I started cutting myself almost every day, I tried miserably cbt 3 times but it turned out that medicines were not enough.
I'm currently going to therapy and trying to get better, my Psycho says I'm already better compared to the beginning of this year (when I started treatment) but I feel like I'm fooling her because I still have thoughts about sh, I know I don't want to die yet, but when the adults in the house talk about the end of the world, religion, lgbtqia +, in pejorative and exaggerated tones I feel that the only escape would be to kill myself.
I try to deal with it by drawing and it's what keeps me here I want to be famous, but sometimes I feel like neglecting my mental health for so many years stopped me from focusing on the things I loved to listen to what others wanted to say about what I should or shouldn't do with my life.
It's funny how after my near diagnosis the weight I felt for being different has almost disappeared, I now know that my "obsessions" were hyperfoco, and one of them is wanting to do my job in this case drawing, however I don't think the adults in the house are happy about that.
I'm just pretending to be better (even I don't know) because my last sh alarmed everyone, and I want to keep marking my skin but I need to pretend I'm okay so they don't hospitalize me.
It's hard being a woman.
Sorry if it's confusing, I know what I mean but putting it into words is more complicated than it sounds.
