snoot
Member
- Dec 1, 2020
- 34
For some context I have been abused for the majority of my life, starting with physical abuse from my mother combined with emotional neglect, which led to various abusive relationships as I've grown up. I've been raped, beaten, lived in a women's shelter, assaulted by police, even criminalised for finally standing up for myself against an ex who used to strangle me.
Found out recently that I have autism, so I've missed out on a lot of support if people had just realised sooner. I also have c-ptsd because of everything that's happened to me.
I just don't have anything going for me anymore. I thought I found "the one" at the start of this year and things were going well, until we broke up because he wanted to work on himself. I was upset of course but I also didn't mind because we planned to get back together in a few years, and I wanted to really to work on myself too, I don't know why I felt hopeful about the future. Really wanted to sort my life out so I can be "normal" like everyone else but I realised I will never get that kind of stuff, I just don't have a place in this world.
I completely ruined everything with my ex by accident and it's gone to the point of no return with him. I found out I was pregnant after we broke up so I wanted to handle it by myself and then tell him in the future. But pregnancy hormones have seriously fucked with my head, to the point of feeling suicidal every day, I have become a completely different person too. I've gone from being a shy, passive person to someone completely unlike myself because of these fucking hormones. I ruined the one good thing I have because I didn't realise I was pregnant until it was too late.
I have even started seeing people out of the corner of my eye. I've only read one thing about "pregnancy induced psychosis", maybe that's what I have ??
Doesn't help that someone who I thought was a friend has been harassing and stalking me for the last month.
But I pushed my ex away so it would be easier to CTB, I caused stupid arguments over nothing just so I could isolate myself from everyone. I did an herbal abortion by myself and stupidly reached out to him in a panic, now he's blocked me entirely and I'm terrified he's even trying to get me done for harassment.
My main point is I have nothing left, and I have been failed by so many people, so many systems. My local police assaulted me during a false welfare check, they victim blamed me in the past, the mental health services here are abysmal, when I went to a domestic violence centre during my past abusive relationship they turned me away. I could go on but it's a lot. I reached out to my ex and his family asking for support because I'm grieving, and get ignored. I deleted all my social media and nobody even notices.
I know I am insignificant but I'm hoping if I can write out about all the things that have failed me before I CTB, that maybe things will change on my island. That hopefully other autistic women, or just abused people in general will finally get justice, get treated with the respect they deserve. I know it sounds pretty stupid and I probably won't make much of a difference. But I'm going to CTB one way or another, so it's worth a try.
Found out recently that I have autism, so I've missed out on a lot of support if people had just realised sooner. I also have c-ptsd because of everything that's happened to me.
I just don't have anything going for me anymore. I thought I found "the one" at the start of this year and things were going well, until we broke up because he wanted to work on himself. I was upset of course but I also didn't mind because we planned to get back together in a few years, and I wanted to really to work on myself too, I don't know why I felt hopeful about the future. Really wanted to sort my life out so I can be "normal" like everyone else but I realised I will never get that kind of stuff, I just don't have a place in this world.
I completely ruined everything with my ex by accident and it's gone to the point of no return with him. I found out I was pregnant after we broke up so I wanted to handle it by myself and then tell him in the future. But pregnancy hormones have seriously fucked with my head, to the point of feeling suicidal every day, I have become a completely different person too. I've gone from being a shy, passive person to someone completely unlike myself because of these fucking hormones. I ruined the one good thing I have because I didn't realise I was pregnant until it was too late.
I have even started seeing people out of the corner of my eye. I've only read one thing about "pregnancy induced psychosis", maybe that's what I have ??
Doesn't help that someone who I thought was a friend has been harassing and stalking me for the last month.
But I pushed my ex away so it would be easier to CTB, I caused stupid arguments over nothing just so I could isolate myself from everyone. I did an herbal abortion by myself and stupidly reached out to him in a panic, now he's blocked me entirely and I'm terrified he's even trying to get me done for harassment.
My main point is I have nothing left, and I have been failed by so many people, so many systems. My local police assaulted me during a false welfare check, they victim blamed me in the past, the mental health services here are abysmal, when I went to a domestic violence centre during my past abusive relationship they turned me away. I could go on but it's a lot. I reached out to my ex and his family asking for support because I'm grieving, and get ignored. I deleted all my social media and nobody even notices.
I know I am insignificant but I'm hoping if I can write out about all the things that have failed me before I CTB, that maybe things will change on my island. That hopefully other autistic women, or just abused people in general will finally get justice, get treated with the respect they deserve. I know it sounds pretty stupid and I probably won't make much of a difference. But I'm going to CTB one way or another, so it's worth a try.
