Venting My letter is 6 pages long

[almaPerdida]

I just ordered my SN as well. Tomorrow i will buy something for the nausea and then i will just to wait for the date i guess, in March. I feel so good, knowing that my suffering is near it's end.

Last month i asked for a signal from the universe if i should go on living, or just man up and CTB. Then something bad happened and that bad thing became even worse today. So yeah, i got my signal haha thanks, Universe.

Honestly tho, i feel peaceful. I am gonna go to some parties with friends, enjoy my last moments together, i am gonna make it fun for them. I hope their last memories of me are me joyful, happy, smiling and dancing with them. They are gonna remember me as a happy and innocent boy who enjoyed his 23 years on this Earth and decided to leave earlier. Who always believed in people and that good will made me sad. I am no victim and also made people sad out there tho. I am not perfect, and guess i never will.

My letter is 6 page long trying to explain all my reasons and calm them down. I don't want them to feel guilty. Is that even possible tho?
I don't think i can do much in that regard. My letter is digital, i will send via WhatsApp right after i ingest SN. This notification of a weird "thank you.docx" is gonna freak them out one way or another i guess.

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best with your plans, I understand why you'd feel so relieved at the thought of being free from this existence.

 

[baabbaabbaab]

I'm glad you can find some relief with a planned method.

This is nice of you making sure they have good and joyful last memories of you.

As for the feeling guilty part : from what I read around here and from what I understand, it's pretty hard. But you are doing all you can in that regard and I think it's already well enough.

They will freak out for sure...

 

[almaPerdida]

Thanks.

I'm gonna make my last months around count. I hope it doesn't take them long to get over me tho. What stopped me for so long was the pain i would inflict, but not even that can stop me now.

 

[FuneralGrey]

It can be hard to properly get across everything you're trying to say when writing a note/letter.

For what it's worth, in my experience, and from the bit of research I've read, no amount of writing will take away the guilt. Notes generally don't help the bereaved. As for having lots of fun, I suspect your friends will look back on that time wondering what they missed, stuck in the confusion of your last days/weeks versus your demise.

I'm glad to hear you feel at peace and are able to find a sense of relief. The fact that you can even have fun and experience joy is, in itself, wonderful. Unless you're exhausting yourself putting on an act.

The feeling of peace that comes with having a set date to ctb is unparalleled. It's okay if the date changes, but it sounds like you have time to plan things out and not act impulsively. I hope you continue to find peace and a sense of ease.

 

[almaPerdida]

It can be hard to properly get across everything you're trying to say when writing a note/letter.

For what it's worth, in my experience, and from the bit of research I've read, no amount of writing will take away the guilt. Notes generally don't help the bereaved. As for having lots of fun, I suspect your friends will look back on that time wondering what they missed, stuck in the confusion of your last days/weeks versus your demise.

I'm glad to hear you feel at peace and are able to find a sense of relief. The fact that you can even have fun and experience joy is, in itself, wonderful. Unless you're exhausting yourself putting on an act.

The feeling of peace that comes with having a set date to ctb is unparalleled. It's okay if the date changes, but it sounds like you have time to plan things out and not act impulsively. I hope you continue to find peace and a sense of ease.

Yeah, tbh my letter is a bit messy. I will try to make it as clear as possible when finished.

You bring a lot of good points i hadn't considered tho. I hope they don't keep looking for signals but knowing them, they will for sure. Looking back they might realise that i hid everything i felt on purpose.

Yeah i can only feel temporary fun, mostly when i'm not thinking about life, normally drunk or high with molly haha. I can't be left alone with thoughts or sober for too long tho.

I will keep on planning. Deep down i have a little hope that things will get better until march and make me want to stay. In case they don't, everything will be ready. And thanks a lot for the reply.

 

[IWishToDie]

WhatsApp right after i ingest SN

No don't do it. Use a future email service instead. Chance they will be opening the letter then rushing to save you. Don't message people just before you do it, please.

 

[almaPerdida]

No don't do it. Use a future email service instead. Chance they will be opening the letter then rushing to save you. Don't message people just before you do it, please.

Good call. I was planning on doing that while everybody was sleeping to minimize risks of intervention, and i didn't even think of using emails. It's much safer, i am gonna do that. Thanks a lot.

 

[alwayssearching202]

Good call. I was planning on doing that while everybody was sleeping to minimize risks of intervention, and i didn't even think of using emails. It's much safer, i am gonna do that. Thanks a lot.

Google has the ability to future schedule emails. That is what I plan to do, although I am still paranoid so plan to do multiple tests and send one right before I plan to setup my N2 to another email address I own because I plan to be nice and intoxicated. If it properly delays I'll send my final message to a family member to send a wellness check for delivery 48 hours later. A third email will be scheduled at the 72 hour point with my goodbye letter.

 

[almaPerdida]

Google has the ability to future schedule emails. That is what I plan to do, although I am still paranoid so plan to do multiple tests and send one right before I plan to setup my N2 to another email address I own because I plan to be nice and intoxicated. If it properly delays I'll send my final message to a family member to send a wellness check for delivery 48 hours later. A third email will be scheduled at the 72 hour point with my goodbye letter.

Thanks, i will be using that too. Sounds much better and if somehow i survive the SN, i will be able to make sure no one reads the letter before it's due time.

Your plan sounds solid. Hope everything works out for you and you find peace.