Ilovedyoulikeadog
“I am Chemistry”
- Dec 17, 2023
- 14
I am trying to send one last message to my significant other/ love of my life. The reason why I have not attempted to CTB, is because of the hope that I can try try to fix this somehow. I spent so many hours putting together this message. Do you think I worded this right? What would you do if you got this message?
""""I'm sorry for this novel, but my chest literally feels like it is going to explode if I keep all of these words inside of it any longer, even now this isn't even all I want to say. [REDACTED], I just, realy adore you , so fucking much. I've never felt so safe, so home, so secure with anyone ever in my life. For once, I was able to just, let go. Let go of the mask, the stress, the fear of the unknown that tomorow always brought. "Tomorow" was always a feeling of a monster lurking around the corner, and that any day, it could strike me down. With you, "tomorow" was a breath of fresh air. It was me standing at the top of the tallest mountain, looking at the most beautiful views you could ever imagine. It was the monster still existing, but kept away by you, because you had my back. You'd never let anything hurt me. I knew that. I was always able to be my genuine self. No mask. No fake me. No trying to be someone else to get you to like me. I have never experienced that.
You gave me what the kid in me always needed. Security. Love. Safety. A place I could be myself. A place that was so secure and full of love. A place where the fridge was always full, I never had to worry about how I was going to eat. That I'd never starve. A place where I knew I would never go homeless. A place where I could cry, I could scream, I could shout, I could be angry, I could love. I was allowed to feel, and show how I felt. I've always been a sensitive person. I feel things. I feel things hard. Everyone always told me I needed to fix it. That I shouldn't be like that, but, that's not me. You knew that. You never tried to change that. You gave me a safe place to feel those things without fear of being judged. You made me feel safe, but most importantly, you made the little girl in me feel safe. She was finally able to come out, and with that, I have had to relearn myself. Who I really am. What I really think. What I really feel. What I really want. I've only ever lived my life people pleasing and doing damage control. It's all I have ever known before you. Person likes X so I like X , otherwise I will not be able to eat, lose my home, or beaten. I had to force myself to think like them. I did not genuinely know myself. The person I was when you met me, were just fragments of everyone I had met before you to prevent damage to myself and suffering. I am very sorry that in trying to learn myself, I was less focused on your needs.
It's my first time doing this. I'm very sorry I didn't get it right the first time, but if you allow me, if you let me, I will take everything I have learned a long the way and apply it to the second, because you are worth every second of it. I will not find this in anyone else and even if I did, even if there "was someone better" I don't want them, plus noone would ever compare to you and no one could replace what you have made me feel. Regardlessof it all, YOU were the one to bring out the [REDACTED] that was buried so long ago. That is something you, and you alone, could ever carry. I am relearning every aspect of my life. How to love. How to be loved. How to exist in a world/environment/relationship that isn't out to get me, when I am in my late 20's. That is 27 years I have to unpack and unload. I've never done this before. I'm sorry I didn't get it right, but I am willing to do everything I can, until I do get it right. It's not going to be easy. It's going to be hard, and I'm going to have to be mindful of it every single day but it doesn't matter because I want you. I want all the good parts of what we have, and I want them for the rest of my life, and I will spend the rest of my life proving it to you if I have to. I feel like I have a chinese sweatshop in my head 24/7, it's easy to get lost in it, and lose sight of what is outside of that workshop. I want to do this with you. I want a chance to make it right and show you that I am capable of all the things you need from me. I am sorry I lost sight of that, and got over consumed by the war inside of my own brain. When your brain is in a warzone, fighting off all of the parts of myself I had to adopt, and relearn every single part of myself, that is no longer needed, it's very easy to take anything and everything as an attack.When all you know is war, how would you recognize when something is not? I'm sorry that made it feel that you were also, in a warzone. It was never my intention, and I never knew that's how you felt, not until now. You aren't another thing adding to the war in my head, you are actively the one thing that isn't. I want us to do all of the things we ever talked about. All of our plans. All of our ideas. I want that more than anything. I want us to bring out the best possible versions of ourselves, together. It's possible, and I know it deep inside my heart that it is. I know that it's not so easy for you to see, I understand that, and I get it, but please, let me show you.
This past year has been probably the best year of my entire life. Yeah, that sounds dramatic , doesn't it? I wish I could say that it was just dramatic, but I swear on every single part of me that it isn't. I did so many first time things that I've wanted to do my ENTIRE life with you. Long roadtrips. Hunting. Shooting guns. Fishing. Catch and cooking the fish we caught. Beach walks. Sitting in the back of a truck bed, looking at stars and galaxies. Moving out of Vegas. Moving out of state. Getting and raising my dream wolfdog puppy, and making that possible. Going to Idaho, Montana, Utah. Sightseeing the most beautiful things I have ever seen. Hawaii. Nude beaches. Snorkeling and swimming with Sea turtles and fish. Making me not scared of sharks as I used to be, and actually being interested in them. Not being scared of deep oceans and water. Shooting my first guns as an adult. Long term camping. Trying so many different foods, drinks. I've learned, so much as a person being with you. Why in the world, would I be interested in learning what someone's favorite color is all over again? Nothing , noone, could ever compare. Whatever the issue is, I can fix it. We can fix it. I'd much rather fix it, than to lose what we have, and what I have experienced with you. I promise that I can fix it. Please beeive in me like I believed in you. I love you with every single part of my soul. The worst part of it all, is that, you are just so lovely, than even in the end, even now, you don't want to "fix" me. Thank you for just listening and not trying to fix me. I absolutely adore you for that, but I what I do want to do, is change parts of myself, to compromise for us to make this work. Not because you "want" that from me, and not cause you think I need to "fix" it. I want to. If I have to change 1-3 things, so that you are happy, and we are strong, side by side, why in the world would I not?
Please let me know what I can do to ensure this goes smoothly, and I promise on every part of my soul. I will do it. I do not ever want to lose you ever again like this.
I can let you know the things I need from you as well, and we can do this together. Side by side. Just two people working on problems together as a team. I want this more than anything else. Please with every part of me. Let us do this right the second time around. I can talk about specifics, at a later time, but to keep this message/novel
more heart felt and less objective-like, I will keep it as such. Seriously, I am willing to do anything. You are worth it. This family is worth it to me. I love you [REDACTED]. More than anything. My life has a deep level of fulfillment that is largely filled by the love we share together. You give me a love I didn't know was possible.
You make me think differently and broke me out of my old ways of thinking how love should be. I didn't know that a shift in thinking would change my life in the most profound way and I'm trying to be a better person and do better in the world because of you. The love I have for you ignites, excites and envelopes the very core of my being. I actually never knew I could love anyone this much. Please let me show you. My soul, physically hurts. My body, physically hurts. This has been torture, and knowing that a solution is right here. Right there for our taking, and I can't get you to see it, destroys me. """""
""""I'm sorry for this novel, but my chest literally feels like it is going to explode if I keep all of these words inside of it any longer, even now this isn't even all I want to say. [REDACTED], I just, realy adore you , so fucking much. I've never felt so safe, so home, so secure with anyone ever in my life. For once, I was able to just, let go. Let go of the mask, the stress, the fear of the unknown that tomorow always brought. "Tomorow" was always a feeling of a monster lurking around the corner, and that any day, it could strike me down. With you, "tomorow" was a breath of fresh air. It was me standing at the top of the tallest mountain, looking at the most beautiful views you could ever imagine. It was the monster still existing, but kept away by you, because you had my back. You'd never let anything hurt me. I knew that. I was always able to be my genuine self. No mask. No fake me. No trying to be someone else to get you to like me. I have never experienced that.
You gave me what the kid in me always needed. Security. Love. Safety. A place I could be myself. A place that was so secure and full of love. A place where the fridge was always full, I never had to worry about how I was going to eat. That I'd never starve. A place where I knew I would never go homeless. A place where I could cry, I could scream, I could shout, I could be angry, I could love. I was allowed to feel, and show how I felt. I've always been a sensitive person. I feel things. I feel things hard. Everyone always told me I needed to fix it. That I shouldn't be like that, but, that's not me. You knew that. You never tried to change that. You gave me a safe place to feel those things without fear of being judged. You made me feel safe, but most importantly, you made the little girl in me feel safe. She was finally able to come out, and with that, I have had to relearn myself. Who I really am. What I really think. What I really feel. What I really want. I've only ever lived my life people pleasing and doing damage control. It's all I have ever known before you. Person likes X so I like X , otherwise I will not be able to eat, lose my home, or beaten. I had to force myself to think like them. I did not genuinely know myself. The person I was when you met me, were just fragments of everyone I had met before you to prevent damage to myself and suffering. I am very sorry that in trying to learn myself, I was less focused on your needs.
It's my first time doing this. I'm very sorry I didn't get it right the first time, but if you allow me, if you let me, I will take everything I have learned a long the way and apply it to the second, because you are worth every second of it. I will not find this in anyone else and even if I did, even if there "was someone better" I don't want them, plus noone would ever compare to you and no one could replace what you have made me feel. Regardlessof it all, YOU were the one to bring out the [REDACTED] that was buried so long ago. That is something you, and you alone, could ever carry. I am relearning every aspect of my life. How to love. How to be loved. How to exist in a world/environment/relationship that isn't out to get me, when I am in my late 20's. That is 27 years I have to unpack and unload. I've never done this before. I'm sorry I didn't get it right, but I am willing to do everything I can, until I do get it right. It's not going to be easy. It's going to be hard, and I'm going to have to be mindful of it every single day but it doesn't matter because I want you. I want all the good parts of what we have, and I want them for the rest of my life, and I will spend the rest of my life proving it to you if I have to. I feel like I have a chinese sweatshop in my head 24/7, it's easy to get lost in it, and lose sight of what is outside of that workshop. I want to do this with you. I want a chance to make it right and show you that I am capable of all the things you need from me. I am sorry I lost sight of that, and got over consumed by the war inside of my own brain. When your brain is in a warzone, fighting off all of the parts of myself I had to adopt, and relearn every single part of myself, that is no longer needed, it's very easy to take anything and everything as an attack.When all you know is war, how would you recognize when something is not? I'm sorry that made it feel that you were also, in a warzone. It was never my intention, and I never knew that's how you felt, not until now. You aren't another thing adding to the war in my head, you are actively the one thing that isn't. I want us to do all of the things we ever talked about. All of our plans. All of our ideas. I want that more than anything. I want us to bring out the best possible versions of ourselves, together. It's possible, and I know it deep inside my heart that it is. I know that it's not so easy for you to see, I understand that, and I get it, but please, let me show you.
This past year has been probably the best year of my entire life. Yeah, that sounds dramatic , doesn't it? I wish I could say that it was just dramatic, but I swear on every single part of me that it isn't. I did so many first time things that I've wanted to do my ENTIRE life with you. Long roadtrips. Hunting. Shooting guns. Fishing. Catch and cooking the fish we caught. Beach walks. Sitting in the back of a truck bed, looking at stars and galaxies. Moving out of Vegas. Moving out of state. Getting and raising my dream wolfdog puppy, and making that possible. Going to Idaho, Montana, Utah. Sightseeing the most beautiful things I have ever seen. Hawaii. Nude beaches. Snorkeling and swimming with Sea turtles and fish. Making me not scared of sharks as I used to be, and actually being interested in them. Not being scared of deep oceans and water. Shooting my first guns as an adult. Long term camping. Trying so many different foods, drinks. I've learned, so much as a person being with you. Why in the world, would I be interested in learning what someone's favorite color is all over again? Nothing , noone, could ever compare. Whatever the issue is, I can fix it. We can fix it. I'd much rather fix it, than to lose what we have, and what I have experienced with you. I promise that I can fix it. Please beeive in me like I believed in you. I love you with every single part of my soul. The worst part of it all, is that, you are just so lovely, than even in the end, even now, you don't want to "fix" me. Thank you for just listening and not trying to fix me. I absolutely adore you for that, but I what I do want to do, is change parts of myself, to compromise for us to make this work. Not because you "want" that from me, and not cause you think I need to "fix" it. I want to. If I have to change 1-3 things, so that you are happy, and we are strong, side by side, why in the world would I not?
Please let me know what I can do to ensure this goes smoothly, and I promise on every part of my soul. I will do it. I do not ever want to lose you ever again like this.
I can let you know the things I need from you as well, and we can do this together. Side by side. Just two people working on problems together as a team. I want this more than anything else. Please with every part of me. Let us do this right the second time around. I can talk about specifics, at a later time, but to keep this message/novel
more heart felt and less objective-like, I will keep it as such. Seriously, I am willing to do anything. You are worth it. This family is worth it to me. I love you [REDACTED]. More than anything. My life has a deep level of fulfillment that is largely filled by the love we share together. You give me a love I didn't know was possible.
You make me think differently and broke me out of my old ways of thinking how love should be. I didn't know that a shift in thinking would change my life in the most profound way and I'm trying to be a better person and do better in the world because of you. The love I have for you ignites, excites and envelopes the very core of my being. I actually never knew I could love anyone this much. Please let me show you. My soul, physically hurts. My body, physically hurts. This has been torture, and knowing that a solution is right here. Right there for our taking, and I can't get you to see it, destroys me. """""
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