Minerva___
in need of some eternal sleep š
- Jan 6, 2024
- 51
I DON't UNDERSTAND. WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS LIFE. I GIVE PEOPLE MY ALL, I TREAT THEM LIKE SENTIENT BEINGS WHILE I FEEL LIKE ALMOST EVERYONE WOULD USE, ABUSE OR REPLACE ME EVERY CHANCE THEY GET. I'M TIRED OF FEELING UNWANTED AND UNLOVEABLE MY ENTIRE LIFE. I'M TIRED OF FEELING THOSE "I NEED A MOM" MOMENTS BECAUSE MY BIRTHGIVER IS MY ABUSER WHO DESTROYED MY LIFE AND I OFTEN HAVE NO ONE ELSE BUT I WISH I DID, I WISH I HAD ANOTHER, LOVING MOM. I JUST WANT SOMEONE WHO CARES ABOUT ME AND WON'T LEAVE.
I got taken with the amb to the urgency today for the 4th time in a few months because of how much I'm suffering no matter where I am & how much I struggle to calm down. My counsellor called them because I was in so much distress I threw up and when she showed me basic human empathy and care I felt so undeserving of it and confused & I kept thanking her for every little thing she did for me while I was put into a safe room while waiting for the ambulance & I can't stop thinking about it because I'm so not used to it. I'm beyond fucking tired of psychiatrists, psychologists, all that shit that l've been surrounded by since I was a kid and l'm a young adult now. What the fuck. The suffering literally never ends. I lost my last real irl friend yesterday because he is leaving for a long time while I have my s. planned and I was desperate to see him again because I always miss him & he means the world to me because l've been very lonely my entire life all until I met him last year. I feel abandoned and unimportant. I'll never see the person I love endlessly again. We didn't get enough time together at all. My plan was to leave somewhere around this fall but now I plan on going out (if I'll be able to at all) tomorrow to buy the rest of the needed things and try to find a place for my pet asap so l can do it this month instead. I wish to be gone so badly. l've been suicidal since I was a child because of all the abuse and loneliness. Now it has reached its peak. It's literally been more than 2 decades of loneliness, anxiety, panic attacks, neverending breakdowns at home and in public, all kinds of abuse, terrible self esteem issues and extreme mental pain. I don't know what i've done to deserve this life. I'll die without ever feeling truly loved and cared for.
I got taken with the amb to the urgency today for the 4th time in a few months because of how much I'm suffering no matter where I am & how much I struggle to calm down. My counsellor called them because I was in so much distress I threw up and when she showed me basic human empathy and care I felt so undeserving of it and confused & I kept thanking her for every little thing she did for me while I was put into a safe room while waiting for the ambulance & I can't stop thinking about it because I'm so not used to it. I'm beyond fucking tired of psychiatrists, psychologists, all that shit that l've been surrounded by since I was a kid and l'm a young adult now. What the fuck. The suffering literally never ends. I lost my last real irl friend yesterday because he is leaving for a long time while I have my s. planned and I was desperate to see him again because I always miss him & he means the world to me because l've been very lonely my entire life all until I met him last year. I feel abandoned and unimportant. I'll never see the person I love endlessly again. We didn't get enough time together at all. My plan was to leave somewhere around this fall but now I plan on going out (if I'll be able to at all) tomorrow to buy the rest of the needed things and try to find a place for my pet asap so l can do it this month instead. I wish to be gone so badly. l've been suicidal since I was a child because of all the abuse and loneliness. Now it has reached its peak. It's literally been more than 2 decades of loneliness, anxiety, panic attacks, neverending breakdowns at home and in public, all kinds of abuse, terrible self esteem issues and extreme mental pain. I don't know what i've done to deserve this life. I'll die without ever feeling truly loved and cared for.
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