First of all I am so glad that I found this community! You are all awesome and giving me so much more than i could ever give you guys back! I know my problems sound easy to handle and the most of users here are going through much worse. I am ashamed that i cant handle this and sorry for everyone that is having much more trouble in life then me but i just cant handle it.
To me: I am 22 years old and I am struggling with lazyness since I was born. My parents divorced when I was about 1 year old and there was alot of fighting between them till today including my mother crying every day when i was young and my father swearing about my mother.
I changed my schools alot cause of bullying and was always "the new kid". My mother is dealing with depression since about 10-15 years. My father isnt working and had his second divorce about 5 years ago.
6 years ago I met this beautiful woman. She was my first kiss and my first GF and my only real friend. The relationship was verry emotional.
Evetually i got addicted to her. Her family was my family. Her friends were my friends. So with hobbies, intersts and so on. I lived her life with her and not my own that i would share with her.
I feel like I always loved her more than she loved me. We were together for over 5 years. She decided to move away from our hometown and families, so i also moved with her without even thinking. She cheatet on me for some months, but i was so addicted to her that i forgave her and moved with her no matter what. Im kind of an lazy introvert. She had alwys plans, always kept me going, pushed me out to meet some people and so on.
Then I got my depression. I lost my job in the new town, didnt want to meet people, didnt want to sleep with her... all i began to do is playing video games online and seperating me from her.
After some months she had a heart surgery and i broke up with her in an stupid argument about some really stupid stuff. Where she needed me the most, i left her. Just to tell her 1 week later how sorry I am and everything. I did everthing so she woukd forgive me for weeks, but it was too late.
After a couple of months i was forced to move out of our apartment, lost again my job, was beaten up to hospital and had to move back to my hometown because i couldnt handle life alone.
So In conclusion: I had everthing (Loving GF, apartment, HER family that I loved, her parents that felt like they also would be my parents and so on....) and now I am back in my howtown and have nothing. No job, have to go to psych. every month cause of depression and now also diagnosed borderline.
I just cant handle the loss of "my family (hers)" my gf, my apartment and everthing. I just basically threw away my life in the trash that i had and i cant handle it anymore.
Yesterday and today I am feeling better cause of anti depressants and other meds i get. But It scares me to feel better. I was like:"yeah im gonna ctb no matter what in some months, i dont have to improve anything". And now till i am feeling better it scares the fuck out me. I didnt eat for several days and today i didnt even took my pills cause it scares me so much that i feel better and have to face my loss, my future and everthing.
I did this already about 1 month ago whehre i didnt took my pills and 1 day later i wrote goodbye letters to people i care about. Someome called the police and they evetually found me on a roof before i could jump.
I am thinking about talking to someome. My father maybee or my cousin about all this stuff. No one knows that i have borderline. But i dont know how. I already wrote a handwritten note of 18 pages for my ex for the time when i CTB and i am not even close to be finished. I am so addicted to her and i cant handle the loss and that she is so happy without me and is loving her normal life and doing great. And I am here, on a pro choice forum whining about to want CTB because of some stupid love.
I dont eat reguarly, sometimes even for up to a week.
I push everyone away from me, even when they just want to help me.
I am harming myself cause I dont wanna feel better and it scares me really to face all this shit. Thats why i dont took for e.g. my pills today.
Thank you for reading this stupid stuff. Again, I know alot of you are going through much worse and I am really sorry for all of you guys beeing here. But I am also glad you are here. I just cant handle it anymore.
To me: I am 22 years old and I am struggling with lazyness since I was born. My parents divorced when I was about 1 year old and there was alot of fighting between them till today including my mother crying every day when i was young and my father swearing about my mother.
I changed my schools alot cause of bullying and was always "the new kid". My mother is dealing with depression since about 10-15 years. My father isnt working and had his second divorce about 5 years ago.
6 years ago I met this beautiful woman. She was my first kiss and my first GF and my only real friend. The relationship was verry emotional.
Evetually i got addicted to her. Her family was my family. Her friends were my friends. So with hobbies, intersts and so on. I lived her life with her and not my own that i would share with her.
I feel like I always loved her more than she loved me. We were together for over 5 years. She decided to move away from our hometown and families, so i also moved with her without even thinking. She cheatet on me for some months, but i was so addicted to her that i forgave her and moved with her no matter what. Im kind of an lazy introvert. She had alwys plans, always kept me going, pushed me out to meet some people and so on.
Then I got my depression. I lost my job in the new town, didnt want to meet people, didnt want to sleep with her... all i began to do is playing video games online and seperating me from her.
After some months she had a heart surgery and i broke up with her in an stupid argument about some really stupid stuff. Where she needed me the most, i left her. Just to tell her 1 week later how sorry I am and everything. I did everthing so she woukd forgive me for weeks, but it was too late.
After a couple of months i was forced to move out of our apartment, lost again my job, was beaten up to hospital and had to move back to my hometown because i couldnt handle life alone.
So In conclusion: I had everthing (Loving GF, apartment, HER family that I loved, her parents that felt like they also would be my parents and so on....) and now I am back in my howtown and have nothing. No job, have to go to psych. every month cause of depression and now also diagnosed borderline.
I just cant handle the loss of "my family (hers)" my gf, my apartment and everthing. I just basically threw away my life in the trash that i had and i cant handle it anymore.
Yesterday and today I am feeling better cause of anti depressants and other meds i get. But It scares me to feel better. I was like:"yeah im gonna ctb no matter what in some months, i dont have to improve anything". And now till i am feeling better it scares the fuck out me. I didnt eat for several days and today i didnt even took my pills cause it scares me so much that i feel better and have to face my loss, my future and everthing.
I did this already about 1 month ago whehre i didnt took my pills and 1 day later i wrote goodbye letters to people i care about. Someome called the police and they evetually found me on a roof before i could jump.
I am thinking about talking to someome. My father maybee or my cousin about all this stuff. No one knows that i have borderline. But i dont know how. I already wrote a handwritten note of 18 pages for my ex for the time when i CTB and i am not even close to be finished. I am so addicted to her and i cant handle the loss and that she is so happy without me and is loving her normal life and doing great. And I am here, on a pro choice forum whining about to want CTB because of some stupid love.
I dont eat reguarly, sometimes even for up to a week.
I push everyone away from me, even when they just want to help me.
I am harming myself cause I dont wanna feel better and it scares me really to face all this shit. Thats why i dont took for e.g. my pills today.
Thank you for reading this stupid stuff. Again, I know alot of you are going through much worse and I am really sorry for all of you guys beeing here. But I am also glad you are here. I just cant handle it anymore.
