Discussion My lack of attachment to people and not expecting the long term has made life 10x more bearable

[Duochrome-Seahorse]

Having BPD has made relationships a pain in the ass to be in. Being love bombed to these bombastic promises, all for them to just fuck me over in the end. That and my history of being toxic has ruined too many friendships. But after a certain point, I kinda just stopped caring. I still want to be a decent person but I don't have any real reason to be a "great" one. I think those kinda expectations are not possible. I am a selfish, materialistic person who will do things in order to survive or get a quick high from, whether it be drugs or being a nuisance every once in a while.

I stopped caring and yearning for longevity. Nothing lasts forever, so why should I promise forever with anyone? I detached myself heavily away from my family, friends, and S/O that I made a mask that's actually starting to work. They genuinely think I wanna live a long and prosperous life because I just do what they want me to do. And it's not that I hate doing this, It actually helped with my social anxiety! I'm able to crack jokes with em and play games and stuff with them! It's as if they don't sense depression on me and It's, nice. I like living in the moment, no matter if life feels 2x faster than it was 10 years ago, but the fear of inevitable death slowly kinda goes away some days because of it.

Not only that, doing my hobbies don't feel like as much of a hassle/waste of time anymore. I'm able to write/draw at least once a day, whether it be a sketch or a full on piece. I don't like the thought of people having my things, so I might as well use them for its intended use.

Whether any of this matters or not, whether I care or not, accepting life in my own way and caring effectively for what I stand for and doing whatever the hell I want until I die has made commiting suicide inconvenient until further notice. I'm just gonna go animal mode and just do things because I want/need to and it's funny. Being liked or disliked doesn't even matter as hard anymore, I'm already disliked by many people and loved by many. I know my ride or dies and who's just there to have fun no deep shit.

I know the people around me are going to die. I'm going to die, and we're all going to lose everything we've worked our asses for, and the sun will explode all of it into ashes. And all of a sudden, that one late night call with friends doesn't sound like the most anxiety inducing thing anymore.

 

[timf]

Sometimes people can be driven to contemplate suicide by the anxieties and pain caused by being driven by forces that one does not even understand much less control. However, as one takes steps to cut off connections, one can find that the pain reduces. It sounds like you have found a degree of control such that you can find things that you actually enjoy.

You may find that you can reengage slowly and still maintain control. In a way you can rebuild your life such that you experience less of the "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune". As you experiment and develop new skills, you may find that you can expend and even make new connections with people. Being free from expectations can be a big help.