My kids

[Tintypographer]

I worry about only my kids but I go existential. If im gone, I won't feel bad about my kids because I'll be gone. But right now I feel bad about them and how it will affect them. It's a really strange dichotomy as I've gotten closer to wanting to die for real.

 

[Bat 17]

They will never ever get over it and it will blight their lives and relationships forever. Sure, you will be dead but you will leave behind a terrible legacy. I understand the bind you are in because I have children and I tried to kill myself too.

 

[JustAMatterOfTime]

They will feel bad about you though, you not existing doesn't stop them existing. I don't know, I don't even know how old they are maybe they are adults so it doesn't matter as much.

 

[WornOutLife]

It's certainly a very difficult situation to be in.
I have no children but I'm very worried about my dad because ctb means killing him too (for real! He might have a heart attack or stroke).

 

[Tintypographer]

Thats what I worry about the most. My kids being hurt. But then I flip flop-if I'm gone and will never ever be back then philosophically it only hurts a legacy and I simply won't be there and to me the universe stops existing. That's actually what I want the most. I want to simply disappear for good. I spend most of my time imagining whether I matter or any aspect of my life matters 500 years from now. Will my kids and my lives matter. I don't mean the aberration thought experiment of "maybe you or one of your kids would have cured cancer" because it's highly statistically improbable that anyone will know I or my kids exist 500 years from now. I try to always look at whether or not I will matter in 500 to 1000 years and it's very unlikely I will. I know that pyramids and great buildings exist but can we find a peasant from 500 years ago and care whether or not they committed suicide?

They will never ever get over it and it will blight their lives and relationships forever. Sure, you will be dead but you will leave behind a terrible legacy. I understand the bind you are in because I have children and I tried to kill myself too.

 

[yosi]

They will never ever get over it and it will blight their lives and relationships forever. Sure, you will be dead but you will leave behind a terrible legacy. I understand the bind you are in because I have children and I tried to kill myself too.

true. but also living with a depressed father does damage

 

[FuneralCry]

This is the worst part about making this decision, those that are left behind. I'm not responsible for anyone but I think about my parents. I can't imagine what it is like to leave behind kids. I just want to disappear too as it hurts me that the only way out is one that causes such destruction and trauma to others.

 

[Bat 17]

I try to always look at whether or not I will matter in 500 to 1000 years and it's very unlikely I will. I know that pyramids and great buildings exist but can we find a peasant from 500 years ago and care whether or not they committed suicide?

Do things have to matter in 500-1000 years in order to matter? Nothing is permanent, even the great buildings (look at the Twin Towers or the ancient city of Palmyra). Mattering is relative and in order to believe that we matter outside ourselves and each other we'd have to believe in a Deity or spiritual order of some kind. Unfortunately I don't.

I'm sure you matter to your kids. I'm sure it matters to them, and will matter, that you are in their lives as they grow, go through adversities and happinesses, have kids of their own. If you go they will be devastated. What if they become affected by mental illness and suicidality? You need to be here for them. You matter not because you matter in 500 years but because you matter to those around you, here and now.

I'm not being preachy and I'm in no place to. If it wasn't for my own miscalculation I would have CTB'd by now, and done this to my kids. In my case it wasn't because I didn't think life mattered, but because I'd created a narrative that they would be better off without me. I now believe that was false and - in my case - lacking courage. So I accept that life will be lived with CTB on my shoulder and mental illness in my mind, but try to make the here and now have meaning.

 

[Pookie]

It's certainly a very difficult to be in.
I have no children but I'm very worried about my dad because ctb means killing him too (for real! He might have a heart attack or stroke).

Same with my mother. She might get a heart attack or stroke upon hearing the news. She's already had a stroke and is on blood pressure meds. And she has untreated high cholesterol.

 

[Tintypographer]

I understand that a 500 year from now view is not what I'm supposed to care about but it's what goes through my head. I'm so depressed, hate waking up in the morning, hate my career, my family is a hellacious group of dysfunctional jerks and my spouse is a personality disordered psycho who screams at all of us regularly and hoards everything. I've just stopped caring about them and all I know is that by disappearing I'll be free. I tried to catch the bus once and my spouse talked me out of both doing it and getting help as it would hurt their political career. I've been on meds, therapy, been intervened by my extended family and our in in patient therapy at a resort place called Sierra tucson in the USA. My oldest kids both suit college to come home and be stuck in the drama and mess. Everyone needs something from me all the time. I don't have issues with finances or work and I have the outward appearances of a family but there is never a single break from the codependent crapfest and all I think about day in and day out is dying so that I will have a bit of peace.

 

[Bat 17]

Well that does sound pretty unbearable. Have you considered divorcing your wife and cutting yourself off from the meddlesome family?

 

[FinalDays]

I worry about only my kids but I go existential. If im gone, I won't feel bad about my kids because I'll be gone. But right now I feel bad about them and how it will affect them. It's a really strange dichotomy as I've gotten closer to wanting to die for real.

I honestly feel your pain. I can't properly CTB peacefully knowing the pain I will cause my kids but at the same time, what good is a 'messed up' parent to a child? :(