it all started with my abusive, alcoholic father, and my narcissistic mother who turned a blind eye to the way he treated me. i think she resented me because i have autistic tendencies, therefore i failed to live up to her expectations as her perfect little vessel to project into. after 20 years or so of my parents and peers treating me like garbage for either being different or some other reason that is imperceptible to me, i developed borderline personality disorder.
one paragraph doesn't really do it justice, but you see, just a year or two after my mind fell apart from the 20 straight years of abuse, i became chronically ill. part of that chronic illness is an inability to focus or remember things—as if things weren't bad enough. please forgive me for not really being able to go into detail (the short version is i spent a lot of time on the computer posting on forums and playing online games because i didn't fit in anywhere else and couldn't freely speak my mind without being shunned for some inexplicable reason, and getting threatened and called terrible things by my parents every day—mostly my father, who would swing a knife around and allude to "cutting someone today").
i was already suicidal, but i thought i could somehow recover. i guess the sadist that runs this world thought that that would be too simple, and cursed me with a sickness i'll never be free from. now i have the cognitive capacity of a wet mop. three or four years of trying to get help for my medical issues and i've pretty much made no progress. they think i'm malingering—sad that a lot of people here can relate to this experience, from what i've read.
it's the typical deal: the doctors can't see it, therefore it isn't real (even though they have proof of my heart palpitations and tachycardia issues, which are other problems i face, they still act like nothing is wrong).
sprinkle in some toxic relationships that failed tragically, a drug and alcohol addiction, and an inability to find a living situation where i am not being treated like a doormat, and you have someone who is ready to ctb as soon as possible. that's a sad reality to be facing at just 25 years old. i really thought i was going to be someone "special." ha, what a joke.
oh, yeah, i'm transgender too, and it's going horribly. i did it too late, and my secondary sex characteristics are pitiful. i have no chance of passing unless i somehow materialize tens of thousands of dollars to pay for exorbitantly expensive cosmetic surgeries (fat chance of a person with chronic fatigue and other medical issues ever being able to pull that off).
i'm incredibly ugly and am one of the unfortunate few who is forced to acknowledge the reality of lookism and natural selection. this one's hard—you can't even find support because people hate this so much that they just say it doesn't exist. but i live the short end of the stick every day of my life. i know it's real.
so, yeah. i'm your run of the mill, suicidal, autistic nihilist. every day sucks because my brain is fried and i'm constantly fatigued to the point of barely being able to take care of myself. i'm ugly and i face the consequences of that. nothing is fun because of the anhedonia (and i wouldn't be able to focus on it anyway). i live in a place i hate and i can't fix that because i'm too fucked up to pick up the pieces.
i sum it up like this: all i see is pitch black.
one paragraph doesn't really do it justice, but you see, just a year or two after my mind fell apart from the 20 straight years of abuse, i became chronically ill. part of that chronic illness is an inability to focus or remember things—as if things weren't bad enough. please forgive me for not really being able to go into detail (the short version is i spent a lot of time on the computer posting on forums and playing online games because i didn't fit in anywhere else and couldn't freely speak my mind without being shunned for some inexplicable reason, and getting threatened and called terrible things by my parents every day—mostly my father, who would swing a knife around and allude to "cutting someone today").
i was already suicidal, but i thought i could somehow recover. i guess the sadist that runs this world thought that that would be too simple, and cursed me with a sickness i'll never be free from. now i have the cognitive capacity of a wet mop. three or four years of trying to get help for my medical issues and i've pretty much made no progress. they think i'm malingering—sad that a lot of people here can relate to this experience, from what i've read.
it's the typical deal: the doctors can't see it, therefore it isn't real (even though they have proof of my heart palpitations and tachycardia issues, which are other problems i face, they still act like nothing is wrong).
sprinkle in some toxic relationships that failed tragically, a drug and alcohol addiction, and an inability to find a living situation where i am not being treated like a doormat, and you have someone who is ready to ctb as soon as possible. that's a sad reality to be facing at just 25 years old. i really thought i was going to be someone "special." ha, what a joke.
oh, yeah, i'm transgender too, and it's going horribly. i did it too late, and my secondary sex characteristics are pitiful. i have no chance of passing unless i somehow materialize tens of thousands of dollars to pay for exorbitantly expensive cosmetic surgeries (fat chance of a person with chronic fatigue and other medical issues ever being able to pull that off).
i'm incredibly ugly and am one of the unfortunate few who is forced to acknowledge the reality of lookism and natural selection. this one's hard—you can't even find support because people hate this so much that they just say it doesn't exist. but i live the short end of the stick every day of my life. i know it's real.
so, yeah. i'm your run of the mill, suicidal, autistic nihilist. every day sucks because my brain is fried and i'm constantly fatigued to the point of barely being able to take care of myself. i'm ugly and i face the consequences of that. nothing is fun because of the anhedonia (and i wouldn't be able to focus on it anyway). i live in a place i hate and i can't fix that because i'm too fucked up to pick up the pieces.
i sum it up like this: all i see is pitch black.
Last edited:
