squirtsoda
Fallen Eagle
- Jan 19, 2020
- 324
Hello everyone, I just want to say I've been lurking for a short while and I'm amazed at the mutual support you all show each other and it's awesome.
I'm a 29 year old male and I've lived a lot for that amount of years. I hold 2 passports, I don't know which one of them represents home. I do know I absolutely detest where I currently live (I'm not the country I'm from, but it's the particular state and city I'm in I hate).
I have a BS in Aeronautical Science and am commercially certified to fly both helicopters and airplanes, however, immediately after completing all of that very hard work I was diagnosed with a devastating autonomic neurological disorder which grounded me forever. Unfortunately I did not have any engineering background in my education nor any money to go back to school (my schooling and flight training set me back around $250k because I went to the Harvard of the skies), so I had no real lucrative job opportunities in aviation. I ended up in a railroad/marine adjacent industry at an extremely toxic company doing something completely uninteresting. Now I'm trapped because I bought a house, car, got myself into more crippling debt, medical debt, school debt, etc. I also fell into severe alcoholism over the years and it has landed me in hospital a few times. As has bipolar II. I've always had issues figuring out my sexuality. I have no hang ups about it, i just don't understand it. I have PTSD from some horrifying things (they always are). Which leads me to November 9.
November 9
On this day without seeking resources like those on this website, I was going to attempt full hanging with a neck snap. When I measured my garage, there was nowhere near enough room, I'm a very very tall guy.
So then, I went perusing the internet and my heavily stocked medicine cabinet full of different neurological cocktails and it appeared as if amitriptyline was the most toxic thing I had. I did my best to find what the lethal stat dose could be, and then added a reasonable safety margin. I landed on 5.5 grams. I took 500mg diphenhydramine to try to prevent vomiting (unlikely choice but it was mentioned in some literature, and it did work, mostly, read on). I also had several glasses of bourbon, 10mg lorazepam, 50mg zolpidem, 250mg quetiapine. This was taken around 7pm, I was out when people were trying to contact me at 8pm.
Anyway, I wrote a very long note, mostly for the comfort of my mother which was to be delivered to my funeral director friend backdated 72 hours using Gmail scheduled send. I had details roughly of my method in the note. I never accounted for so many people trying to contact me, and then coordinating. By late Sunday night (the 10th), my mom who lives out of state was already in contact with my friends who she does not know. My dad was already at the airport coming back from out of state. His neighbor is a cop and he got him to break into my place at 3am on the 11th. I was found blue with HR of 31bpm with what was described as a death rattle by my dad. He literally just witnessed his mother pass away weeks before.
I was taken to a local hospital after being administered narcan several times because of course the first thing they think is opioids these days. Narcan obviously did nothing. I was intubated and vitals stabilized. They found out I coincidentally had severe bilateral pneumonia and believed that is what put me in a coma, they had no idea I had any drugs in my system. EEG showed no brain activity, CT showed major brain damage, anoxic brain injury, coma score of 0, because they had no idea about the drugs I was pronounced brain dead and my parents advised to withdraw life support as I am an organ donor. I was in stage 3 kidney failure but that was resolved as they were prepping me for donation.
Then my friend got the letter. He rushed it to the hospital. The doctors then realized that pink stuff they saw aspirated into my lungs were the pills of amitriptyline. 4 hours before organ donation they realized I may not be brain dead, but they told me parents I was likely to be a vegetable IF I wake up at all. 8 days later I woke up.
I have no long term memory issues. My speech is slightly affected. I am back at work. My short term memory is not quite as reliable. I used to be one of the sharpest people you could ever meet. My sense of taste and smell is significantly changed. I have nerve palsy on my left side and I am left handed. I can't even put a glove on my hand because the muscle weakness is so bad my fingers just collapse. I can't write. I can't fly a helicopter in X-Plane flight simulator anymore. My coordination is trashed. It takes my full effort to drive a car, I used to race rally cars recreationally and race motocross bikes. I get choked up for no reason in public at times. There are a litany if brain injury symptoms that are just terrible.
If I had just been left alone for another 30 minutes I would have been successful. It would have been a peaceful way. I felt NO discomfort-I remember everything.
Due to access of materials, my next will probably be SN.
Edit- I feel I should probably note for those of you who don't have medical insurance. This hospitalization cost my insurance $367,592, and that's after negotiated rates. The claims totaled around $700,000. If I didn't have medical insurance I don't know what would have happened. My job only knows that I ended up in a coma from pneumonia, which isn't untrue, and I received short term disability insurance. I mean I would have if they knew the truth too. I guess just something to reinforce proper planning.
I'm a 29 year old male and I've lived a lot for that amount of years. I hold 2 passports, I don't know which one of them represents home. I do know I absolutely detest where I currently live (I'm not the country I'm from, but it's the particular state and city I'm in I hate).
I have a BS in Aeronautical Science and am commercially certified to fly both helicopters and airplanes, however, immediately after completing all of that very hard work I was diagnosed with a devastating autonomic neurological disorder which grounded me forever. Unfortunately I did not have any engineering background in my education nor any money to go back to school (my schooling and flight training set me back around $250k because I went to the Harvard of the skies), so I had no real lucrative job opportunities in aviation. I ended up in a railroad/marine adjacent industry at an extremely toxic company doing something completely uninteresting. Now I'm trapped because I bought a house, car, got myself into more crippling debt, medical debt, school debt, etc. I also fell into severe alcoholism over the years and it has landed me in hospital a few times. As has bipolar II. I've always had issues figuring out my sexuality. I have no hang ups about it, i just don't understand it. I have PTSD from some horrifying things (they always are). Which leads me to November 9.
November 9
On this day without seeking resources like those on this website, I was going to attempt full hanging with a neck snap. When I measured my garage, there was nowhere near enough room, I'm a very very tall guy.
So then, I went perusing the internet and my heavily stocked medicine cabinet full of different neurological cocktails and it appeared as if amitriptyline was the most toxic thing I had. I did my best to find what the lethal stat dose could be, and then added a reasonable safety margin. I landed on 5.5 grams. I took 500mg diphenhydramine to try to prevent vomiting (unlikely choice but it was mentioned in some literature, and it did work, mostly, read on). I also had several glasses of bourbon, 10mg lorazepam, 50mg zolpidem, 250mg quetiapine. This was taken around 7pm, I was out when people were trying to contact me at 8pm.
Anyway, I wrote a very long note, mostly for the comfort of my mother which was to be delivered to my funeral director friend backdated 72 hours using Gmail scheduled send. I had details roughly of my method in the note. I never accounted for so many people trying to contact me, and then coordinating. By late Sunday night (the 10th), my mom who lives out of state was already in contact with my friends who she does not know. My dad was already at the airport coming back from out of state. His neighbor is a cop and he got him to break into my place at 3am on the 11th. I was found blue with HR of 31bpm with what was described as a death rattle by my dad. He literally just witnessed his mother pass away weeks before.
I was taken to a local hospital after being administered narcan several times because of course the first thing they think is opioids these days. Narcan obviously did nothing. I was intubated and vitals stabilized. They found out I coincidentally had severe bilateral pneumonia and believed that is what put me in a coma, they had no idea I had any drugs in my system. EEG showed no brain activity, CT showed major brain damage, anoxic brain injury, coma score of 0, because they had no idea about the drugs I was pronounced brain dead and my parents advised to withdraw life support as I am an organ donor. I was in stage 3 kidney failure but that was resolved as they were prepping me for donation.
Then my friend got the letter. He rushed it to the hospital. The doctors then realized that pink stuff they saw aspirated into my lungs were the pills of amitriptyline. 4 hours before organ donation they realized I may not be brain dead, but they told me parents I was likely to be a vegetable IF I wake up at all. 8 days later I woke up.
I have no long term memory issues. My speech is slightly affected. I am back at work. My short term memory is not quite as reliable. I used to be one of the sharpest people you could ever meet. My sense of taste and smell is significantly changed. I have nerve palsy on my left side and I am left handed. I can't even put a glove on my hand because the muscle weakness is so bad my fingers just collapse. I can't write. I can't fly a helicopter in X-Plane flight simulator anymore. My coordination is trashed. It takes my full effort to drive a car, I used to race rally cars recreationally and race motocross bikes. I get choked up for no reason in public at times. There are a litany if brain injury symptoms that are just terrible.
If I had just been left alone for another 30 minutes I would have been successful. It would have been a peaceful way. I felt NO discomfort-I remember everything.
Due to access of materials, my next will probably be SN.
Edit- I feel I should probably note for those of you who don't have medical insurance. This hospitalization cost my insurance $367,592, and that's after negotiated rates. The claims totaled around $700,000. If I didn't have medical insurance I don't know what would have happened. My job only knows that I ended up in a coma from pneumonia, which isn't untrue, and I received short term disability insurance. I mean I would have if they knew the truth too. I guess just something to reinforce proper planning.
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