Venting My indecisiveness is putting me through so much pain

[darksideofthebright]

I have first thought of suicide from the age of 10, which is when I first tried to take my life based on what I had heard of. I then felt suicidal at 16, and multiple times every year from 18 until now (22). The reason why I mention this is because my last failed suicide attempt led to me being in E&A and everyone was thinking of me as being impulsive and not thinking things through without considering that I have been suicidal for a long time.

I, over a month ago, went through a terrible breakup. It was so out of the blue and we loved each other so much. He broke up with me via texts, saying that he wasn't in the headspace for a relationship. I have tried restlessly to get him back, because he was the ONLY happiness I've had since 8. From a bigger picture, this breakup isn't the sole reason for my current sufferings, it's rather many things on top of each other that led me here. Even though I have had so much support from others and I genuinely appreciate them, I have only cared for and held onto the thought of being back with my ex as well as breaking people's hearts. But as I thought things couldn't get worse, they did. I recently talked with my ex, and he was crying on the phone, saying that he didn't love me anymore, he was just caring for me and there would be no way we would get back together. On top of that, one of my friends who knew that I was struggling with suicidal thoughts OUTED me and made it public and since then, I have been bombarded with texts and visits, which STRESSES me out and causes me so much anxiety.

This time around, the first time I wanted to end it all, I was exhausted, scared, frightened and overall just fed up with life. And then the second time, I was calm, content, satisfied and ready to go ahead with my method of choice. Now, I was thinking about ending it all on Sunday last week, but for some reasons, it just didn't feel right and I was physically really unwell so I didn't do it. Now the feelings are all rushing back, and this time, it's a mix of emotions from both times and what is really scaring me is that I don't want to die alone and then be found later, dead and cold. I have made wonderful connections with people and the thoughts of having to leave this world with no one around is causing me so much pain.

It's like a part of me wants to live, but a bigger part of me wants to end it all; and now that the only reason that kept me alive for the past month has gone, I am finally at the point of no return. I have had all my affairs in order, but I am just unable to move forward. I know it is far from painless, but I am now thinking of OD on caffeine. Although I have a high pain tolerance, I know that I will be in so much pain. The only reason why suspension is not an option for me is because I have failed multiple times, and I don't want to go through with it anymore. Every time I was about to go through with it, I just backed out. I also can't really get SN where I am either (I know I can, it's just really difficult and the thought of having to wait really frightens me, more than to go through pain for some reasons).

I know I am contradicting myself a lot, but my feelings and emotions are also contradicting themselves. I thought I would just share part of my story here to hopefully get some clarity and direction. If you feel like you want to ask me more, just ask away. I will try my best to answer.

And finally, this is my first thread, and I am so glad to have found this little community. Most everyone here seems to be so understanding and that is just what I need right now.

 

[OminousVaL]

I read your post and you are heard.

 

[Lordsudbury]

Huge topic, thanks for sharing with us. I read it all too. I'm 32 but have been in your situation twice once when I was about your age and again now. It never gets easier.

Talk to us and do your best to get through the days as they are now. It DOES get better once you're through the thick of it and each day passing feels like a year. It takes a long time.

X

 

[botanormal]

I'm so sorry for all the pain you have had to endure, you don't deserve to be suffering in such a way. I understand how you're feeling, and I only want for you to find peace in whatever way that suits you. If you feel ready to ctb, I hope your journey is a relatively painless one. That being said, are you sure caffeine is the way you want to go about it? I fear it will be horribly painful, and you don't deserve to suffer anymore. Is there another method on the resources page you have considered looking into? It's tough when there is a part of you that still wants to live, whilst the rest wants to die. Maybe it could be best to push back ctb until you feel a bit more clear minded? Whatever you choose, I hope you're able to find some peace. Sending you love!

 

[darksideofthebright]

I read your post and you are heard.

Thank you.

Huge topic, thanks for sharing with us. I read it all too. I'm 32 but have been in your situation twice once when I was about your age and again now. It never gets easier.

Talk to us and do your best to get through the days as they are now. It DOES get better once you're through the thick of it and each day passing feels like a year. It takes a long time.

X

I am so sorry that it has not been easier for you. Sending you virtual hugs. And thank you so much.

I have got myself more than enough caffeine in the form of capsule, and I was thinking of doing it some points this weekend or next week, just whenever feels right (and as early as reasonably possible for me). Just the thoughts of leaving alone yet not wanting to be on this Earth anymore are pulling me apart.

That being said, are you sure caffeine is the way you want to go about it? I fear it will be horribly painful, and you don't deserve to suffer anymore.

Thank you so much for your kind words, and I really needed to hear this.

I know it is going to be painful, but apparently (from what I have gathered), if somehow I don't succeed, then there would not be intense consequences such as brain damage, vegetative state, etc.

I have looked at hanging, but partial hanging didn't seem to work and I just can't seem to find the carotid artery and every time I tried it, my head just seemed to be exploding. I don't know why a part of me cannot take the pain from hanging, yet is able and willing to take the pain from caffeine OD.

I have been pushing back the time to ctb for a few times now and the idea of me going through another day feeling a rollercoaster of emotions is just hurting me.

 

[woxihuanni]

Right now my neighbour is screeching like a banshee at her pussywhipped, miserable husband like she does everyday. That is the kind of woman who lives, when they have nothing to offer but a nightmare. Not even good sex.

Of course you were got rid of for no reason. Decent people always are. See, this woman will get to be 100 and screech in her dementia shit, we will go early.

 

[Time to fly]

First off welcome to SS our new family member...your story is so touching, I think we can all have some connection with what you are saying...yes you can get over this hurdle and then you will probably face another one down the line....it's always us sensitive ones that hurt...I would urge you to look through the resources on here as caffeine can be quiet rough..whatever you decide you will be heard on here and many of us will look out for you and will miss you if you get on the bus...I hope you find some peace on here and lots of us are open to speaking at any hour if you feel like you need someone to chat or just vent at...

 

[darksideofthebright]

Right now my neighbour is screeching like a banshee at her pussywhipped, miserable husband like she does everyday. That is the kind of woman who lives, when they have nothing to offer but a nightmare. Not even good sex.

Of course you were got rid of for no reason. Decent people always are. See, this woman will get to be 100 and screech in her dementia shit, we will go early.

I am so sorry that you have to deal with noisy neighbour. That obviously wouldn't help anything, and at best, it just makes one feel like they're in hell.

I would urge you to look through the resources on here as caffeine can be quiet rough

I am kind of looking everywhere on the net to see what kind of pain one will experience as they OD on caffeine. I am just wondering if painkillers can help or if my sleeping medication can help reduce the pain somehow.

And more importantly, thank you so much for your kind words! You have always seemed so nice and genuine and I really appreciate your presence here. Same goes for you! If you need to talk, I will be all ears.

 

[botanormal]

Thank you so much for your kind words, and I really needed to hear this.

I know it is going to be painful, but apparently (from what I have gathered), if somehow I don't succeed, then there would not be intense consequences such as brain damage, vegetative state, etc.

I have looked at hanging, but partial hanging didn't seem to work and I just can't seem to find the carotid artery and every time I tried it, my head just seemed to be exploding. I don't know why a part of me cannot take the pain from hanging, yet is able and willing to take the pain from caffeine OD.

I have been pushing back the time to ctb for a few times now and the idea of me going through another day feeling a rollercoaster of emotions is just hurting me.

Brain damage is something I've always worried about when it comes to hanging, too. From what I've read, it seems like the only major way for that to happen would be if someone were to find you before you managed to completely pass on.

It can be really tough to find your sweet spot for hanging, because it seems like everyone has a different way to position the noose. Perhaps you could try testing places along your neck, maybe with your hands or by repositioning your ligature a bit until you find it? The head exploding feeling is probably because you need to reposition it a little bit, it should be relatively painless if you find the right spot. Of course, if you're really not feeling this method it's completely understandable, it's so tough finding one you feel comfortable with.

I think going through the pain of a caffeine overdose would be horrible to endure, but if it's really the only method you can find and you think you can handle it, I won't be the one to stand in your way. I just don't want you to experience anymore unnecessary pain, is all. Having to push your date back can be painful, I'm really sorry life has become so unbareable for you. Sending many hugs your way!

 

[Time to fly]

I am so sorry that you have to deal with noisy neighbour. That obviously wouldn't help anything, and at best, it just makes one feel like they're in hell.

I am kind of looking everywhere on the net to see what kind of pain one will experience as they OD on caffeine. I am just wondering if painkillers can help or if my sleeping medication can help reduce the pain somehow.

And more importantly, thank you so much for your kind words! You have always seemed so nice and genuine and I really appreciate your presence here. Same goes for you! If you need to talk, I will be all ears.

Yep just an old soppy man here who will always try and see the best in people and try and help where I can...I know we all have that bus to catch but I hope before I get on I can at least give some help and advice from the grey matter along with greying hair...please do as much research as possible to make what ever you decide as quick and painless as you can...remember the bus can't go without you so you can keep the driver waiting as long as you need...stay safe and be blessed...

 

[darksideofthebright]

Brain damage is something I've always worried about when it comes to hanging, too. From what I've read, it seems like the only major way for that to happen would be if someone were to find you before you managed to completely pass on.

It can be really tough to find your sweet spot for hanging, because it seems like everyone has a different way to position the noose. Perhaps you could try testing places along your neck, maybe with your hands or by repositioning your ligature a bit until you find it? The head exploding feeling is probably because you need to reposition it a little bit, it should be relatively painless if you find the right spot. Of course, if you're really not feeling this method it's completely understandable, it's so tough finding one you feel comfortable with.

I think going through the pain of a caffeine overdose would be horrible to endure, but if it's really the only method you can find and you think you can handle it, I won't be the one to stand in your way. I just don't want you to experience anymore unnecessary pain, is all. Having to push your date back can be painful, I'm really sorry life has become so unbareable for you. Sending many hugs your way!

You are such a sweet soul, thank you so much!

I have tried doing so, and for whatever reason, I was still not able to find it?! I think it might have been something in me that didn't want to go in this way? I have seen photos of people after hanging, and for some reasons, I just don't want to go like that. Absolutely no disrespect to anyone who has succeeded using this method or to anyone who wants to use this method.

I think another part of why I want to go with caffeine is I think with how well I can handle pain (surprising well at times when I am determined), I am going to be on a call with someone? I know it sound stupid but I think I am going to hold on for as long as possible and when I can't do it anymore, I will just tell them that I am leaving the call (hopefully without raising any suspicion). That way, I won't be dying alone, I guess. I might sound so silly but...

 

[botanormal]

You are such a sweet soul, thank you so much!

I have tried doing so, and for whatever reason, I was still not able to find it?! I think it might have been something in me that didn't want to go in this way? I have seen photos of people after hanging, and for some reasons, I just don't want to go like that. Absolutely no disrespect to anyone who has succeeded using this method or to anyone who wants to use this method.

I think another part of why I want to go with caffeine is I think with how well I can handle pain (surprising well at times when I am determined), I am going to be on a call with someone? I know it sound stupid but I think I am going to hold on for as long as possible and when I can't do it anymore, I will just tell them that I am leaving the call (hopefully without raising any suspicion). That way, I won't be dying alone, I guess. I might sound so silly but...

I completely understand that. Everyone has different ideals and feelings on how they want to ctb, so if a method doesn't seem right for you, then it just isn't the way to go.

A lot of people want to have a death with as little pain as possible, but it doesn't mean you have to pick one of the less painful ones if it doesn't resonate with you. If you're able to handle the pain, then all the power to you, I'm happy you've found a method you feel comfortable using! Can I ask if you've looked through any resources on caffeine overdose? I hope there are some that can help you prepare for it okay, truthfully I've never looked into it so I don't have any super-specific advice I can give!

It's absolutely not silly to want to be with someone during your final moments! I think there are many who would choose, or have chosen to do the same. I hope it can bring you comfort. You are a very sweet person, and all I hope for is that you can find some peace soon. I'm sorry for all the pain you have had to endure to get to this point. Best of luck to you.

 

[darksideofthebright]

I completely understand that. Everyone has different ideals and feelings on how they want to ctb, so if a method doesn't seem right for you, then it just isn't the way to go.

A lot of people want to have a death with as little pain as possible, but it doesn't mean you have to pick one of the less painful ones if it doesn't resonate with you. If you're able to handle the pain, then all the power to you, I'm happy you've found a method you feel comfortable using! Can I ask if you've looked through any resources on caffeine overdose? I hope there are some that can help you prepare for it okay, truthfully I've never looked into it so I don't have any super-specific advice I can give!

It's absolutely not silly to want to be with someone during your final moments! I think there are many who would choose, or have chosen to do the same. I hope it can bring you comfort. You are a very sweet person, and all I hope for is that you can find some peace soon. I'm sorry for all the pain you have had to endure to get to this point. Best of luck to you.

There are not many resources on caffeine OD apart from what I have seen on SS and people's experiences on a famous forum-type site R. It definitely doesn't seem pleasant and apparently there is a lot of vomiting involved, but I will get some over-the-counter medication to help with the nausea and my upset tummy.

Thank you so much for your kind words (again and again haha). I think I would have a 40 minute call with my friend while watching the last episode of Gossip Girl. Surprisingly, I have never seen the last season, so I am going to have a marathon of Gossip Girl and watch the final episode with them. At least that way, the last memory we would have together is something lovely (from my point of view at least).

In the mean time, I will still be around so if you ever need to talk or vent, I am here! X

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Something that helps me get clarity and direction is to write an issue in the middle of a piece of paper, and then branch off from it, and branch off from the various branches. I figure out a lot of issues that way (or figure out what information I'm lacking), I get unstuck, and I feel more confident in making decisions and acting on them.

 

[darksideofthebright]

Something that helps me get clarity and direction is to write an issue in the middle of a piece of paper, and then branch off from it, and branch off from the various branches. I figure out a lot of issues that way (or figure out what information I'm lacking), I get unstuck, and I feel more confident in making decisions and acting on them.

That sounds like a great idea! I will try that! Thank you so much! X

 

[botanormal]

There are not many resources on caffeine OD apart from what I have seen on SS and people's experiences on a famous forum-type site R. It definitely doesn't seem pleasant and apparently there is a lot of vomiting involved, but I will get some over-the-counter medication to help with the nausea and my upset tummy.

Thank you so much for your kind words (again and again haha). I think I would have a 40 minute call with my friend while watching the last episode of Gossip Girl. Surprisingly, I have never seen the last season, so I am going to have a marathon of Gossip Girl and watch the final episode with them. At least that way, the last memory we would have together is something lovely (from my point of view at least).

In the mean time, I will still be around so if you ever need to talk or vent, I am here! X

Fingers crossed that it's at least able to be a relatively quick method, despite the unpleasantness. I hope knowing you'll be able to have some peace pretty soon after gets you through it. And hope the meds manage to help out okay!

Going out watching an episode of a show with your friend sounds very enjoyable. No spoilers (because I've not watched it myself) but I hear the last season is one of the best, so I hope you have a great time. Having such a sweet final memory should be comforting, for both you and your friend.

Thank you for the compliments! I appreciate you opening up on the forums, I'm happy I got to read your story before you leave. The same goes for you, my PMs are always open if you want to talk/vent, and I'll respond as soon as I see your message if you ever feel like sending one. Again, sending lots of hugs your way!