Venting My impulse to CTB increases when I’m left alone at home.

[heLLishLandscape]

This is my first post so I'm not exactly sure how this works but here it goes.

When I'm home alone, I overthink everything and I spiral to an episode of passive SI. Thinking it would be so easy since I'm alone and I know how I would do it. What I would wear, what song I would play at the end. But then I think about who would pick up my SO from work? And who would take care of the cats? And how I can't do that to my mom since I'm her only child. I don't think I'm actually CTB any time soon since I still have a few things I want to do. But these feelings have been going on for 10+ years now and I don't know what to make of it. Maybe I just have issues with interpreting/navigating my emotions. Any feedback or advice would be appreciated!

 

[wait-bus-stop]

I can relate - but for me its when I am travelling and have to stay overnight in a hotel. It becomes a massive urge sometimes

 

[thouxan]

I struggle with this too. I feel lonely very fast. For the time being it helps being around someone, even if we don't talk or make eye contact. Just having someone's presence in the same room helps me calm down, even if I am literally searching suicide methods at the same time lmao. It is actually really relaxing browsing this forum on my phone while having a family member in the same room, it takes all the anxiety away

 

[FuneralCry]

It does sound tiring being trapped in that situation, but anyway best wishes. I think that if you want "advice" related to feeling less suicidal then it's probably best to post in the recovery section.

 

[bobosanogo]

Maybe I just have issues with interpreting/navigating my emotions.

I think you may have potentially answered the question for yourself - have you had a chance to discuss with some people, not least the people who make you feel less impulsive? Perhaps there's something more to it than just isolation. Regardless, I hope you can navigate these feelings in the most suitable way possible for yourself.

 

[heLLishLandscape]

I think you may have potentially answered the question for yourself - have you had a chance to discuss with some people, not least the people who make you feel less impulsive? Perhaps there's something more to it than just isolation. Regardless, I hope you can navigate these feelings in the most suitable way possible for yourself.

I'm home alone again and I've thought about it. I think I just have a deep disdain for myself and when I don't feel validated/appreciated, I spiral or go into a seething rage. It's kind of ironic because I've already gone to therapy for these issues but at this point, I think I'm too self-aware to be helped. Thank you for your kind words (:

 

[bobosanogo]

You're always welcome. I can get the lack of validation/appreciation point, and also the part about self awareness. It may not be helpful for everyone, but one way I was able to work with it was to turn it back on myself - I was getting caught up in these thoughts of why people don't reciprocate in ways that I expect, but I realised, in my self-awareness, that it's unfair to set those expectations in the first place. Took a lot of time and a lot of reinforcement, and I still have to remind myself constantly these days. But like I said, I don't want to assume that it's exactly what you're going through, or that these words are a suitable remedy for you. I do hope for the best for you, no matter what you do and which direction you decide to go in.