Venting My Hypothetical CTB letter

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Dear reader,

I am dead. I have made the conscious decision to die on my own terms. I have exercised the right to die and hope that others are not stopped from exercising it too.
I do not think that my life is worth living. There is no God, no afterlife, no consequences of dying that I will be aware of. Once I die, my consciousness will cease to exist. What is there to life? There is more suffering than pleasure. If I can't and don't want to end said suffering, I will be better off ending my experiences with it.

Below are the things in life that I hate:

• My family. I do not want to spend a huge chunk of my life with people that don't share the same values as me, and they make me do things I don't like.
• My father. A religious man. Forces me to wake up early everyday, guilt-trips me into God, every second without him is a second of relief. Maybe death too. Baba, I hate you. Semoga kau masuk neraka.
• This World. It has been corrupted by capitalism. Rich people influencing lawmakers has been normalized under 'lobbying'. I hope they normalize suicide like how they normalized inequality, homelessness, hate, greed, abuse, exploitation, ignorance, depression, and many more stuff. It is cheaper to kill me than to fix me. There is no such thing as ethical consumption under capitalism.
• Therapy. A subscription even made a subscription service for the 'mentally ill'. No amount of therapy can fix the economy, nor can they solve the housing crisis. Even worse, they might declare me mentally unfit and force me to mental institution. Just let me die.
• My future. The world is burning. Why bother preparing for future that kills everyone?
• My country. Mainly because I am a closeted atheist. Although, the entire World is a hellhole. Malaysia is just symptom like other countries. I don't see myself leaving here, I might as well die on my own terms.
• Myself. It is easy to point fingers at yourself than at others. Sometimes, I'll be happy for no reason then I realize the absolute state of my life. A frustrating mess. I complain about loneliness, yet I am lazy to make myself a desirable man. I see injustice, yet I chose ignorant bliss. I have dreams, yet I often understand that they are unrealistic. I am a terrible person, I am better off dead and this World will keep spinning and no one will care. No changes will be made. My death will achieve nothing in the Grand Scheme of Things.

Below are the things in life that gave me Survival Instincts:

• My cousins. I see them as my sisters of the same age, the only family members in MY FAMILY. I can talk more comfortably with them. Dear H & A, I'm sorry I have broken your hearts, I cannot bear the burden of existence.
• My crush. Sometimes, what kept me alive is the thought of living a life with her. But it will only remain a thought. I do not know how start relationships, where to find the right woman, I am not ready for it and let alone deserve it.. I am sorry to my female classmates that I have fantasized about, you deserve someone much better than me. I know a girlfriend is not a solution for my frustrations, only death is.
• My future. Of course, hope and anxiety is about the future. There is always a thought that life will be better. I'm sure every failed man has thought of the same thing. The truth is, the probability of life getting worse is much higher.
• My cowardice. If I were brave, I would have jumped of my apartment years ago when I tried to came out of the closet to my mother. But my cowardice requires me to find more peaceful methods to catch the bus.
• My laziness. I am lazy. I cannot pick up a book and read it because I am lazy. It is because I am lazy is why this letter is only hypothetical. Maybe I will find the will to do research on dying peacefully. Or maybe I'll just starve myself to death.

Sometimes I feel like I want to be evil. I want to make troll Reddit accounts where I post vile stuff, and reply terrible things to people. Just to have a sense of ecstasy that the evil people enjoy. It must be fun doing things you're not supposed to do and not getting any punishment from it. Being an evil psychopath just because you can. Big Jack Horner from Puss In Boots 2 looks like he's enjoying life. I wish I can try being like him. But my laziness, cowardice and any sense of morality still inside is preventing me. Morality is just a coping mechanism.

And I dedicate this last section of my letter to You, God, if you exist. You claim to be the All-Loving but you created eternal hell. Where were you when the World Wars happened? Where were you when capitalism destroyed us? Where were you when I left Islam? Am I right or wrong? Or did you simply not care. If so, you should not care that I do not worship you anymore. You are useless, this existence is useless.
Goodbye Cruel World.