Venting My honest thoughts on my life since I cannot express them anywhere else.

[Justso-tiredof-life]

When I was in middle school I first admitted to my dad I wanted to die. He responded by asking me to touch the stove top, because that was how hot hell was.

I begged for forgiveness that day, to a God I didn't believe in. As a kid though, I was terrified of heaven and hell and grew up with the notion of every action, saying, doing, would lead me to one or the other rather you believed or not.

Now days I don't care, I haven't in a very, very long time. My life is monotonous and empty, there is no meaning in it. I try to buy things to fill this whole, a habit I don't know where I picked up, since I had no money access growing up but I can tell it's getting worst, not gambling, just books, video games, etc.

I wish I was diffrent, could full fill my dad and mom hopes and dreams as my life has never been mines to begin with, but I am not good for anything.

I wish to kill myself, get it over with. I'm just too scared to do so, I wish for a partner to be there with me, as maybe I can get more encouragement from it. I wish to jump off a bridge or a building, I wish to fall into an endless sleep. I'm so tried.

 

[rabbitmalice56]

i feel like we went through the same things (except i didnt tell my family i wanted to die) and comes to the same conclusion. all your words really connected to me. getting forced into believing something, stopped caring, monotonous and empty life, and most of all i also feel like i can commit to it easily if there was someone with me.

 

[iloveeetreeeess1]

I was terrified of heaven and hell and grew up with the notion of every action, saying, doing, would lead me to one or the other rather you believed or not.

this though, growing up in an overtly religious environment (I went to a Catholic school) it was heavily ingrained in my mind that there was right and there was wrong. From a young age I was taught that ideations of suicide meant you were going to hell, unless you repented and found god. This can be so confusing for a child suffering from mental illness or just suicidal thoughts in general. I hope one day you can start living for yourself instead of for everyone else <3

 

[FuneralCry]

It's really understandable feeling so tired of suffering here, I wish that suicide is more straightforward, it certainly would be such a relief if there's the option to just fall asleep eternally. But anyway I wish you the best.