Venting My home is a Prison, my mind is a cell

[19andOverdue]

I'm new to this forum, Id like to start by expressing how genuinely surprised I am at how empathetic and understanding this community is. There's no pain greater than loneliness. In my opinion it's the closest thing to death you can experience while alive. And Im glad I've found people who finally understand that.

I have been chronically suicidal my entire life. I thought I'd be dead at 12, then 13, then 16, then 18. And with each passing year I grow more and more guilty at the cowardice. The painful memories stack up, and escape becomes impossible. I'm currently at a rock bottom, the third rock bottom this year alone. And with each passing day of doing nothing and speaking to no one, I feel more and more dead. I can't keep this up the rest of my life, my family already has dirt level expectations for me. So I might as well give up, die with some dignity, and maybe cause some emotional damage to those fuckers from highschool. I curse the world

 

[Medicmedic72]

I understand. I was at dirt level, then my family started digging the hole to help me go deeper and darker.

 

[lostmyacc]

Welcome to the forum.
Don't feel guilty for 'cowardice'. I don't believe that is cowardice, even in terrible situations doing the last step is never difficult for anyone.
I understand loneliness too. It has plagued big parts of my life, not fitting in, having no memories with other people.
I'd like to say it gets better but honestly it remained just as difficult at 35, as it did at 15.

 

[NG_Kasumi]

Dying from suicide is probably the most bravest action a human can do.

Sending you virtual fist bumps from Singapore. Take it easy my dude.

 

[Area Man]

I'm in a similar place to you dude, I have lots of past traumas that racked up from childhood and have become more reclusive and ultimately isolated. My family have now turned on me and keep things away from me and talk shit about me behind my back. I'm a pariah who can't do anything with my life now because my enemies have multiplied and are everywhere mobbing me and tearing me down. All really down to insecurity, mental illness and some idiosyncracies on my part which aren't widely accepted.

I've got ideas in my head for grabbing a bag and travelling far away or setting up a homestead but honestly I know myself well enough and my past experiences. I won't be able to take that on and because its all so sucky I might as well ctb. But it's really hard still when an oppertunity comes and though I've attempted once and failed I've backed out numerous times recently.

 

[FuneralCry]

Living really is so horrible and I know that it can be dreadful when things just get worse. It is such a cruel and unfair life and I wish that it is not so difficult to escape from all the suffering. I hope that you find what you are looking for.

 

[Area Man]

Living really is so horrible and I know that it can be dreadful when things just get worse. It is such a cruel and unfair life and I wish that it is not so difficult to escape from all the suffering. I hope that you find what you are looking for.

That's why faux-positivity and anti-chioce virtue signalling peeves me off big time. You're told if you stick at it that it'll all fall into place and you'll find the energy to put in the effort that will pay off. But that's not reality. Reality for many of us just gets worse as we outstay some assumed welcome within this society.

There's not such thing as living without climbing up that dominance hierachy and 'building the foundation of a house' before a deadline. Life be scary.

 

[sadloner]

Relate to every word. Always thinking you're at the lowest point and then it somehow manages to get worse. As problems stack up, your motivation and ability to fix them decreases. Too many people live their lives while ignoring how truly pointless it is. We are better off dead, but in a good way.

 

[lostmyacc]

Relate to every word. Always thinking you're at the lowest point and then it somehow manages to get worse. As problems stack up, your motivation and ability to fix them decreases. Too many people live their lives while ignoring how truly pointless it is. We are better off dead, but in a good way.

Someone told me on this forum a while back a quote. It is poignant but true.
There is no rock bottom.