My heart is broken

[SpectorStar]

It's been almost 3 years now that I have endured my heart ache with them. I know that might not be a very long time but when you love someone, and I mean really really love someone, time is just a thing. And it was the bare minimum that I asked for. It's what we all ask for. For them to just love you too. Clearly it wasn't easy for them, they lied, cheated, hurt me, and lied again. I've come to terms with the fact that it's my fault. I wasn't enough to satisfy them and I forgive over and over again at the expense of my heart. I just love them. I look past the hurt they caused me because I truly believed we could grow and learn together. That we could really be happy one day. To grow old while in love. But that wasn't in the cards for me. They know how much I have gone through already, they always did, but it didn't stop them from making new cuts and holes. Ones that can't be filled and in which the bleeding can't be stopped. I was already bleeding before and they only made it worse, but I love them. They stuck hot knives into healing wounds and watched me cry and suffer, but I hugged them. They looked me in my eyes and told me they loved me but then did the same to a dozen or so others, but I kissed them. I was nothing, but I stayed with them. It's really killing me, but I reassured them. It's all killing me but I love them. I know I need to leave them and end this soon but I'm not sure I'm strong enough to do what I need to do. At first I really believed they loved me. I believed I found a reason to keep moving forward. All my past traumas and pain melted away in their arms. But just like everything before them, it went bitter and cold. I don't think I know how to love anymore. I don't think I know what receiving real love feels like. I feel tricked. I feel deceived. I feel stupid for thinking that I had found someone so loving and so beautiful inwards and outwards… I was awestruck by their presence; by their voice, their laugh, their jokes, their smile, their dreams, their expressions, their creativity, their kindness. I fell deeply for them beyond description words. I believed with my whole self that they were my future. That they were what I was made for. I was wrong. My heart lied to me. Their heart lied to me. It hurt so much. The messages, the photos, the people who told me what they did behind my back, his tears. I guess when you grow up not being loved properly or really at all, you don't know how other people are supposed to love you. Even though you find it very easy to love them. Maybe it's because you want to give them what you never felt. Make them feel perfect and special and loved and seen, like you never were. Even if it's not returned. Giving with hardly anything in return has me running on fumes. I'm tired of not being good enough. I'm just not what anyone wants. I'm not for them. I'm not for my parents. I'm not for any of my old friends. I'm not for my old partners. I'm just not. I won't be for anyone else. I just don't fit. I'm not right here. It's not a life I can see myself living anymore. The abuse, the hurt, everything. I'm not made for this pressure. No one is. I just wanted to make someone happy and for it to be enough. For them to say "I love you too" and to mean it. That's all. Maybe it's too much to ask for after all. I'm sorry to them for making them feel like they had to pretend. If I wasn't good enough I'd rather honesty. I hope they didn't feel like they had to be around me because they felt bad. I tried to be good. Sorry I wasn't good. Sorry. I'm really sorry. I didn't realize I was doing that to them. I'm sorry I let you down. Really I am. Sorry.