Venting My hands are tingling

[clouds768]

Hello i found this site not too long ago maybe 1 hour ago? I dont know but I just know I've been wanting to die and i think the time is now. Im 20 years old and all my life has been torture since I remember. One of my earliest memories is hiding under my crib at 3 years old from my dad so he wouldnt hit me. Idk maybe saying my story or whatever you want to call it will make me feel better but typing on this site makes me feel desperate and crazy. Ive been abused by my parents since i was a child. I have a twin and she already killed herself so i guess it's my turn. My dad hit me with anything ranging from his hand to a cattle prod. Called me every name in the book and never told me he loved me and my mom in fear of getting hurt also just sat back and watched everything happen to us. Just a couple weeks ago she admitted to me that she knew my sister was going to kill herself but she was too absorbed into protecting herself she didn't do anything. I wish my parents tried harder. To this day I still get abused. Ive also been sexually assaulted by my cousin on my moms side when i was 7 and then i was sexually assaulted all through middle school by an older boy. All through this ive been battling panic disorder and now agoraphobia which has taken a huge toll on myself. Ive tried for help and nothing has worked. I cut myself all through middle school and high school but once they found out my sister was doing it also they would make us stand in our underwear and do nightly checks so if there was a new cut then we'd get hit. One day my sister just cut herself too deep. I tried ctb in 9th grade i bought maybe 12 xanax pills and was just going to swallow them then hope for the best but then i met my boyfriend. We've been dating for 6 years now and he's the best thing thats ever happened to me. He's the only one who has ever truly loved me. But the feeling of sucide has always been there. I just tell myself "Live for him." "You can live for him." But that band aid is slowing falling off. I just always wondered why I was chosen to be the one to have to be put through all this. Why did it have to be me? Then i think at least maybe because im suffering someone out there is living the best possible life they can have. I dont know just trying to find the tiny strings I can grasp onto. My hands tingle everytime I think about hurting myself. I just wanted happiness but Ive been waiting for 20 years now for it and I dont want to wait anymore. Maybe somewhere inside my parents heart they will be hurt by this but i have nothing to lose except my boyfriend and my puppy. I love them so much and I hate what trauma i might cause my boyfriend but I know he'll pull through and find someone who isnt as broken as I am. Peace peace

 

[Defenestrator]

Can I ask, have you tried to seek help? Like counselling?

I'm sorry you've had such a shitty upbringing by the sounds it.

 

[LegaliseIt!]

Welcome!
Thank you for sharing your sad story. Tears filled my eyes as I read it.
This is a caring pro-choice community and we are here 24/7 to listen and support any decisions that you make.
After you have been a member for 24 hours, and made 5 forum posts, you will have private message privileges (so that you can direct message others)
Sending peace and comfort,

 

[yetme]

. I just tell myself "Live for him." "You can live for him." But that band aid is slowing falling off. I just always wondered why I was chosen to be the one to have to be put through all this. Why did it have to be me? Then i think at least maybe because im suffering someone out there is living the best possible life they can have. I dont know just trying to find the tiny strings I can grasp onto. My hands tingle everytime I think about hurting myself. I just wanted happiness but Ive been waiting for 20 years now for it and I dont want to wait anymore. Maybe somewhere inside my parents heart they will be hurt by this but i have nothing to lose except my boyfriend and my puppy. I love them so much and I hate what trauma i might cause my boyfriend but I know he'll pull through and find someone who isnt as broken as I am. Peace peace

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. Life is just unfair. I wish the world would be a better place for you! hugs!

 

[Rotten thing]

It breaks my heart reading your story, I'm truely sorry you had to live through this abuse. I'm also sorry for your sister may her soul rest in peace. We are all here for you all the time, you are not alone. I understand why you do feel this way but I only suggest you try to seek help in whatever way suitable for you. You do deserve to enjoy your life and make it your own. Your boyfriend loves you and so does your puppy and you owe it to yourself to have a better life. Sending peace and love your way.

 

[Skyview]

I never experienced sexual trauma as a child though I did get the beatings the same as you did , often for no reason. It changes you forever and no one understands this unless they have been in the same situation. You end up being broken inside , a big part of you is missing , instead of love and affection you get beatings and when you grow up people ask why don't you smile more , it's because the memories are still there and for a moment you let your guard down .
It doesn't get easier as you grow older , damage is already done but you can hide it . It's not all doom and gloom , you have someone who loves you so learn to love back unconditionally .
Be the child again , your inner child . I learned this from one of the members on here, growing up what was your favorite food , make it and enjoy , try to spoil yourself with anything that was good when you were a child . Boiled egg and soldiers is my comfort food , I'm still working on it to see if it helps , you can too .
My dog helped me to pull through a bit just as your puppy loves you .I kinda distance myself from people , anxiety panic attacks and if I encounter people arguing loudly or fighting I freeze , past sometimes haunts me .
When you have 5 or 6 posts and active for 24 hrs you can PM me anytime if you want to talk .